AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

[FlatPat]

I’ve recently moved to a home that’s close to a train station and opposite the track. A friend and her son who is autistic(As am I) have randomly appeared to see X or Y train. Most of the trains that pass are your standard passenger or freight trains but we do have a few better/well known ones passing through.

I don’t mind them visiting the odd time with advance warning but not just dropping in randomly especially as you can go to the train station to see them pass through or get almost the same view from elsewhere though I appreciate it’s more comfortable sitting in someone’s living room.

AIBU to gently suggest that they go to the train station instead?

TIA

You don’t have to answer the door!
I don’t answer it if it’s not convenient.

She isn't your friend. That's the stark reality of it.

She ignores your requests not to drop in. She ignores your needs. She uses your home for her own comfort and her son's while ignoring your discomfort.

If he wants to watch trains and be sheltered then she can buy a popup shelter and find a place near the tracks. Or she can move to a house where he can see the trains all day.

Stop answering the door if she ignores you after one more, very clear, No.

Your friend should understand that you might not want unexpected visitors, but even if she didn't, you've explained that to her and she persists in showing up without warning. YANBU to more boldly state that you're not comfortable with drop-in visits or even frequent planned visits (if you're not). You are allowed to want your home to yourself most of the time. Her son can still see the trains. They'll just have to do it somewhere else. If she continues to come by at inconvenient times, I wouldn't answer the door to her except by appointment.

Taken what into consideration? someone can't live in a house near a train station in case they get regular trainspotter drop ins?

That is a new one on me

Every AIBU thread must have a contribution from Captain Hindsight under a name change, it’s the rules.

This isn’t that though. This is, at heart, a thread about an autistic person asking for support about what truly is and isn’t reasonable. She might be the first person in decades to come onto AIBU and really not be sure if she’s unreasonable or not! And she’s had mostly nice reactions but some awful ones. There are two autistic people in this scenario.

OP, I think at heart this is a question of boundaries. You want to keep your friend whom you know is struggling but you can’t cope with unexpected turn-ups. What would work for you? Could you do one a month or one a fortnight with 48 hours or 24 hours notice?

Rail geeks - (looking at you @Letsgodancing !) how much notice do the websites give you that a train like this is going through?

YANBU at all. There will be much better vantage points for viewing/photos than your house, presumably.

i think you need to start saying no when it’s inconvenient, and tell her that you don’t like people dropping in. Good luck!

Rail geeks - (looking at you ** !) how much notice do the websites give you that a train like this is going through?

It must be long enough to get to a platform/bridge/wherever, as many go there. This means it's also long enough to message the OP, ask if it's okay and then go to a station, bridge or the OP's flat if she has replied to say yes.

Why can’t you let it go? You’re the one that’s posted 10+ times on this thread.

Apologies @Flatpat for your thread being derailed. Good luck with your friend. It’s difficult when dealing with someone who won’t respect your boundary and they keep popping up despite you telling them multiple times it makes you uncomfortable.

So OP does need the thread. No need to police what she posts.

Why? They can watch from the station platform with the other train enthusiasts.

I agree 100%. It’s disingenuous to accuse the OP of autism bashing when it is the opposite - she is someone with autism who is asking for help with a situation that happens to be more of a dilemma because one of the other people is an autistic child.

It’s odd to accuse someone of being ableist when they are asking for help because of their condition.

I would play the autism card tbh.
Tell her that you do actually want to be able to have her and her son over to watch the trains sometimes, but you are finding yourself getting really stressed out and overwhelmed with the unplanned drop-ins. That you want her to give you notice and for visits to be preplanned. Tell her that it's an autism thing and that it's not personal

It sounds to me that you are a lovely kind person who is trying her best to help a friend and her autistic son.
You are doing the best that you can, and being more than reasonable. Your friend is very lucky.

Op your friend isn’t getting the message (or is choosing not to) so I would be much more explicit. It really helps you are in a flat and she needs to be buzzed in. ‘Friend, as I’ve said before I enjoy your visits but I really don’t like unexpected guests. It’s just the way I am. It is stressful for me. I want to see you, of course I do, but you must give me warning.’ Then, the next time she comes unannounced I’d tell her down the speaker phone (or go down to the entrance if no ability to converse) and say sorry but no, it’s not convenient. Would she like to come over this evening / tomorrow (whenever is convenient) instead? Or offer to go to her. Obviously she will say that’s no good ‘cause it’s about the train. You might want to give her one more chance then - literally let her come up, stand at the window and watch the train go by, then leave - no cup of tea, no hospitality (you might even prepare a task to be conveniently ‘in the middle of’ in advance and carry on with it and ignore her till she is finished). If she has the cheek to do it again after that then there is no hope. Stand your ground and say no, you have been clear. It’s not convenient for you, she must let you know in advance.

What does autism have anything to do with it?

Because the OP is autistic and that is contributing to her discomfort about these people dropping in without notice.

Can’t you just let your friend and her DS watch the train whilst you carry on with whatever you were already doing?

Obviously if you are going out or working then that’s not an option so if that’s the case then just tell them it’s not a convenient time but other than that can’t you just let them watch the train whilst you carry on with whatever you were already doing?

That is not how normal people live their lives and I seriously doubt you would do this yourself. OP has repeatedly said she feels uncomfortable when people randomly visit so why aren't you listening to her instead of telling her to suck it up?

It's an autistic kid and his special interest, and the OP is autistic and that's a huge part of the dilemma because she doesn't like people dropping in unexpectedly.
Autism is explicitly mentioned several times.
My response is how I would handle it.
Some people have suggested OP should allow it because her friends kid is autistic. I'm saying that OP being autistic is perfect reason to tell friend without her being able to talk her round

It's her home not a drop in center!

I'm not neurodiverse and I still hate unannounced visitors. And I only like visitors in general if it's planned plenty in advance. I'd hate it if a friend messaged and said 'can I pop round in half an hour' noooo you can pop round thursday at 4 🤷‍♀️

I never said her house was a drop in centre. But it would just be a kind thing to do.

Some of these responses really do smack of ‘woman should put everyone else first, fuck her wants and needs’.

What a bizarre message. No need to emotionally blackmail the OP. She isn't rejecting her friend and friend's son. Just looking for some confidence to assert her own boundaries. She has said she's happy to have planned trips for special trains.
The OP just doesn't want unexpected visitors - as an autistic person herself that is something that's hard for her.
OP, YANBU. It's hard, but I would message your friend again and say that you find unplanned visits hard so they should not come unless agreed in advance. The phrase "sorry, that doesn't suit" is going to come in handy in future!