AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

[FlatPat]

I’ve recently moved to a home that’s close to a train station and opposite the track. A friend and her son who is autistic(As am I) have randomly appeared to see X or Y train. Most of the trains that pass are your standard passenger or freight trains but we do have a few better/well known ones passing through.

I don’t mind them visiting the odd time with advance warning but not just dropping in randomly especially as you can go to the train station to see them pass through or get almost the same view from elsewhere though I appreciate it’s more comfortable sitting in someone’s living room.

AIBU to gently suggest that they go to the train station instead?

TIA

Of course they're timetabled. It's how rail networks work. They might not be regular, but they won't be allowed to run at a time that disrupts the 11:43 to Waterloo or whatever - plus if people have booked to go on the Flying Scotsman or whatever, they will need to know what time to be at Alresford or Basingstoke or wherever they're picking it up. It's how trainspotters know when to be looking from particular bridges and so on.

Even if they're just passing through, if you know they're at one station at 10:25 and then at another one at10:49, you've got a good chance of working out when they'll be passing through a location two thirds of the way along that line.

How good can the view be from your living room as opposed to outsdie?

I think that’s it’s more that it’s more comfortable for them and sheltered but it is a very good view, better than much of the track. I’m ground floor but we’re on a small hill and facing the track and you can see the faces of passengers from my Juliet balcony. (Not that the passengers are the attraction)

She's taking the piss dropping in on you multiple times a week. I understand you're struggling with asserting yourself so if it's helpful, I'd send something like this:

Hi friend, I'm pleased X enjoys watching the trains from my house but as I've said before, dropping in unannounced doesn't work for me. In future I need you to ask me in advance or I'll have to say you can't come in. If you can't respect this boundary then sadly he is going to miss out because I'll have to put a stop to it completely. I'm happy to accommodate two visits a month.

NO- I wouldn't provide how many times per month! Your home isn't a viewing platform. Don't tie yourself into ANY views per month. Leave it as needing to check before ANY visit.

Do you say that to men too?

Of course they're timetabled. It's how rail networks work
Well, yeah, I meant it's not on the regular timetable and may require a bit of extra research, you can't just look up what's operating on the normal services e.g GWR. I took the OP to mean trains like the Harry Potter one and steam trains etc - no, they're not careering around the rail network will-nilly! Which all suggests the friend knows her stuff and really, really wants her son to see them at certain times and is riding roughshod over the OP's wishes.

So why can’t that go both ways?

I think, as PP suggested, may be get together and look over the timetable with your friend and her ds what they (he) would like to see - this in itself could be a nice little social event.

You can then control if you want to say yes (because you can refer to your diary, that you don't share with them, and decline any dates you don't want to do or when it looks like there's too many dates)

Outside the dates you've agreed upon, if she buzzes your intercom, you breezily say, "I'm sorry, I don't think this was a date we agreed on and it's not convenient right now. Look forward to seeing you on x date, though" and then don't be drawn into further conversation about it and then hang up on her and obviously don't buzz her into your flat

I don't think you need to give any headspace to anything else. It's lovely that you're thoughtful enough to get treats in that her ds likes.

Hope you can work something out.

OP has already stated she wants to allow two visits a month.

At her own emotional cost? Just no.

Why do the interests of an autistic child mean that the OP has to ignore her own comfort? Surely the mother knows that turning up is a risky thing to do as presumably her child will get upset if he can’t look at the trains. She needs to start taking him to the station and not relying on you to ‘be kind’.

It never does. Women are expected to give way to boys and men of whatever age. The responsibility for him lies with his mother, not the OP.

The problem is the unusual locos arent publically time tabled so if for instance Sir Nigel Gresley (60007) ( based in Crewe) is going to a steam gala at say the West Somerset ( where it is now) it will have to be slotted in to the timetable by Network Rail to interact with the normal timetable. And will basically enter the main line rail network at Crewe and come off at ( presume ) Minehead . This then published 'internally' to the rail network. But not for general public consumption It might not be listed as 60007 either it might have a code that shows who is operating the loco ie driving it down there.

So whilst the knowledge is there you have to have something of an 'in' to get the details. Or the information gets leaked. There are hundreds of groups on Facebook etc dedicated to tracking all sorts of unusual locos from steam to diesel .it can be a bit like bird spotting, so if an unusual unit or train is spotted then a load of spotters will descend in an area. For example one bloke I know regularly flies out to Europe on say a Friday evening, travels to a location in the early hours of Saturday and then is back on an early afternoon flight on the Saturday after seeing a special loco pass by .for about 20 seconds.

Having said all that you need to have a word with your friend and tell her the unannounced visits can't continue. She's probably really pleased that her DC can full fill their obsession and she can have a cup of tea and use the loo in comfort. But that's not your problem esp if she is taking the piss she's obviously got the knowledge.

I didn’t say any drop ins, I just said every now and again and not often. And of course you can say no if it’s not a convenient time x

Yes x

OP, you're going to need to actually turn her away at the door in order for her to get the message. This will be awful and uncomfortable for all of you (you in particular because it puts you in a position of having to say no to a small child and she WILL try and manipulate you "it's only for a few minutes/we'll miss it now if we have to go to the station from here"), but it's the only way to get her to stop.

I suspect she's not asking in advance because she thinks there's a chance you will say no if you're given the opportunity. You have to show her you can say no and mean it anyway.

You choose a sentence and you repeat it over and over. You do not try to respond to her different lines of attack with different arguments, or answer her questions. You might need to practice in a mirror or with a friend if it helps.

Here's an example script:

"Sorry Mumfriend, you can't come in today. I'm not able to host you and TrainKid."
"Oh it's just for a few minutes! He really wants to see X"
"No, sorry, I can't host you for the train watching today. I'm sure you understand. Thanks."
"But we'll miss it now if we have to go to station! And TrainKid has been looking forward to this all day/week/his life!"
"Aww that's a shame. Can you let me know in advance next time and I'll be able to tell you if it's a good time? I just can't do today."
"Why? What's so important that you can't let us in for 5 minutes?!"
"I can't do today I'm afraid. Send me a text ahead of next time! Thanks!"

To be honest I would have taken this in to consideration when I bought the house x

Why would you? Presumably either the OP didn’t know the child or didn’t expect the mother to keep dropping in? Was she supposed not to buy it just in case?

Your flat sounds like my dream flat!! I love trains!! We could swap flats & you could have the peace & I'd let your friend & DS drop in whenever they wanted! Let me know if you're interested 🤣

You are not being unreasonable to not like people dropping in. She has been unreasonable not to pick up on your clues. I'm not sure his clearly you have said it to her, but it sounds like you need to say it once more very clearly.

Friend, I'm really sorry (one of those social niceties, even when you're not really) but I cannot cope with anyone just dropping in. It makes me very anxious & uncomfortable (or whatever best describes the way you feel). I'm happy/ok with organised visits planned in advance & it's lovely to see you both then.

If she just 'drops in' after that, she's not a friend you need to worry about upsetting! Just turn them away & say you're busy!

Would you like to be someone that enjoys drop in visitors? I used to be when I lived in a nice big house & it was always immaculate. But I now live in a very small place & am disabled so it's not always 'visitor ready' & that makes me not enjoy drop in visitors! When it's in a state where visitors would be welcome no one pops in, they seem drawn to days when it looks like I've been turned over & they've eaten & done their laundry while they were here!!!

Why on earth would I plan my choice of housing around a friend’s child’s special interests? It didn’t occur to me that it would be an issue and even if it did I selected this place to accommodate my disabilities which means that being so close to a train station is a real bonus for me as I don’t drive due to my disabilities. I wouldn’t have refused to buy it because of my friend when the advantages of living here(Even though it isn’t perfect), were so many.

Fecking hell. Ok so you’re just on a wind up. Got it.

I wish you well op

That sounds insincere to me

Let it go.

I think she’s asking for advice on how to deal with an awkward situation. Obviously.

Don’t let them in.
Say you’re expecting guests, have a meeting, you have the flu.
Or just say “ now isn’t a good time for me. Please message ahead of time. “