HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

[notaurewhatusername]

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

Also to add DC no longer needs night feeds but does sometimes wake and morning start with 5-6am wakes which is also killing me

I’m finding it hard enough with a demanding career, very busy husband, a sports team, my running and 4 young kids. We’re all ‘thriving’ but it’s hard. I’ve a cleaner for 4 hrs.

No op you are NOT a failure and you CAN do all of the things you want to, but I personally could never do them all at the same time!

For example, my house is only getting back to an organised uncluttered state now my adult dc have left home and I have retired!

Before that, the kitchen and bathrooms were very clean and the downstairs was tidy and that was it!

What your child needs most to thrive is a calm, relaxed, happy mother, not an exhausted, anxious one!

I’m worried by your references to the high standards of your dh op. You don’t need to live up to his arbitrary expectations nor do you need his permission to set your own more realistic standards either. If he is expecting to carry on exactly the same as before you had a baby then he is being a tad unreasonable!

The expectations on women now are wild and never-ending. You can drop a few balls here and there op! I am sure other will be along to tell you the same. Until your child sleeps through the night, many things will be a struggle. You need to get through it the best you can and ask for more help if you need it. Take care 💐

I think you just have to expect way less at this stage. Not in general but right now. Your baby is one, that’s very young, I would say by two I was back to having all the things you mention, then of course I had another and now he is two I again feel like I’m getting the balance back. They are still very high needs at this age and that improves with time

Tbh lower your expectations.

“but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. ”

it depends on what you mean by the above?
I think it’s important to prioritise. For example, for me cooking a healthy meal for my family is non negotiable, so if the house needs to be a bit untidy so be it! I don’t consider my life shit because of it.

You have to lower your standards especially on the early days
you have less time and energy - so “high” standards in cleaning and cooking from scratch every day are impossible to maintain (especially on broken sleep )
just stop
is your baby clean and fed
then you’re doing well
Nothing will happen if your house isn’t spotless or your dinner is beans on toast - high proteins and fibre

OP, kindly, for your sanity you need to lower your expectations a bit. This isn’t forever. You need to look at your priorities, is it really worth feeling like a failure because your kitchen isn’t spotless? If you have a cleaner 6 hours a week I’m sure your house is fine.

Your baby is this age once, they will need you less and less the older they get, you won’t be reflecting on this time thinking “I was so good at keeping the house tidy!” you’ll be asking yourself how much time you spent with your child, how present you were for them. Focus on that, the other stuff will get easier as time goes on.

There are only so many hours in the day. You have to choose what matters.

You cannot work FT with a demanding career AND be a present parent who taxis around to activities (wait, til you get to the 9pm pick up from sports practice years!) and be active and have a social life and cook every meal from scratch and see family and have sex 3 times a week (wait also for the years when kids are awake later than you just on the other side of a not very soundproof wall) and still get enough sleep, plus keep a spotless house.

There aren’t that many hours in the day.

You have to choose what matters. You can have a big career with a Dh who takes a bit of a slower pace, does the school runs and the activities. You can be clever about cooking - I only really cook a few times a week, but it’s all from scratch and we use leftovers in creative ways. You can be senior enough to be flexible so you can take an hour for a run and do emails in the evening. You can hire a cleaner for more hours.

I’ve personally put career on hold (well, it put me on hold because I got cancer!), but when I go back it will be self employed and part-time but o should earn about similar to my FT salary. The house is liveable. Dh also doesn’t work FT as we have a business that takes care of itself. We are both active and look after our wellbeing. We are present for family life, no childcare needed (ours are primary and secondary), we do all the driving around between us. They’re old enough now that we can work out while they are at activities when there is a big enough gap. We have full control over our diaries so can also plan in a cycle or a hike during the day. We see friends if we want (not often as not really a priority) and also family every few months (also not a priority, but not local). Sex life on hold because of my health, but would be possible if we made time in other hours. We get plenty of sleep. I’m in bed for 9:30pm most nights and wake at 7am.

It is possible, if you choose what actually matters and what you can let slide, and if you build careers for maximum flexibility and family as a priority.

Im a single parent to two kids and I cook from scratch most of the time. I think that the secret to this not taking forever is to have a decent sized freezer.

A couple of nights a week I cook a decent amount of a really nice curry/veggie chilli/bolognaise etc and freeze in the right portions.

A couple of nights a week we defrost something homemade from the freezer.

A couple of nights a week we have something quick and easy.

Most weekends we eat at least one meal out.

One is very young - once they are primary age they dress themselves and take themselves to the bathroom etc, so you can get on with things around them.

My standards ARE lower - I’m doing less exercise because I’m spending more time with DS in the evenings instead of going to the gym or seeing friends (I do see them all but once a month not a couple of times a week). I am successful at work, I have prioritised that. House isn’t much different in terms of tidiness.

There just aren’t enough hours in the day though to do literally everything you were doing pre-kids, and also spend a decent amount of time with your kids as well. The years go quickly, I’ll have my evenings back in 6 years’ time which seems painfully soon!

Most people with ‘high standards’ understands that experts are experts- especially when it comes to household and other menial tasks. I would your husband what his aversion to having a chef and/or a housekeeper is…. unless he’s just bitter that he cant afford staff. If you can, even more baffling. If you work, there are only so many hours in a day so you are setting yourself up to fail trying to manage child, house, cooking and work.

For reference both me and DH are law firm partners with 2 children. We have a full time housekeeper, additional cleaner for 5 hours per week and a chef (preps all of our meals at the weekend for the week ahead) PLUS after school nanny to do school pick up.

You do not need to be perfect to have a good life. This is a busy season of life, you can’t add a baby in and still do everything exactly the same as it was before, there aren’t enough hours in the day. I think you can achieve most of it you have a full time nanny/housekeeper though but not all if you want to be an engaged mother.

Lower standards in the housework department. It's not essential.

I worked in a professional career full time, DC went to a lovely childminder after school, had a cleaner once a week and I cooked home cooked meals cos I like my food and I hate ready meals/take aways.

I didn't manage to get to the gym several times a week (either before or after kids) and I didn't care if the house was pretty untidy. I don't feel the need to conform to what other people think is 'successful' so if DH has hugely high standards re the tidyness of the house he would need to step up and take over entirely in that department.

You can't do it all without being too knackered for sex, frankly. Drop the tidying at least.

Are you working currently? The OP isn't clear.

I agree with this. We have always done a quick tidy while the other parent does the bedtime routine so the dishwasher is always filled and run, kitchen counters wiped and the "adult" space has any toys away in a big bin or a box or something. Your house will not be at the standard it was before children for more than an hour at a time - unless all three of you are out. That's not a "shit" life.

Also - the stuff everywhere isn't just the baby and toddler stage. DS is nearly 8 and he still has cars, and Hot Wheels structures, Lego, drawing stuff, football kit, earphones/tablet etc that need a place.

I work full time with one teenage child, I’m exhausted.

When DD was small I worked part time and it worked really well. Had time.

2021 I was made redundant and have ended up in a full time job. I love my job. I workout 3 nights a week, currently my house has a pile of laundry in the middle of the living room floor as I’ve been out with DD from 2.30pm to 8.15pm supporting her hobby. At least your DH does housework, bringing in said washing from the line and dumping it in the living room is the most housework DH has done since Christmas.

Personally I would make a tactical decision to lower housework standards, OR get a housekeeper if that is in your budget.

I get what you mean - I get up at 0530 to go to the gym, work FT in a demanding job, but also put the kids to bed and make sure they have homebaked things as I try to limit UPFs.

When they were babies like yours, I remember staying up till 1 or 2am making food from scratch, freezing it in tiny portions, then crashing into bed only to get up at 6am and go do my head of dept job.

God it was knackering.

I frankly just let the house go a bit.

Also as my career has progressed, these days DH has stopped work which really eases things.

But I think you also have to accept that if you want to be fit, and eat well, and hold down a big job, and make sure your kids have freshly made food and lots of activities... you will just have less time than others - I never sit watching tv for example - and you may need to de-prioritise something.

’A good life’ comes from your mind. You can have amazing conditions but if you don’t know how to be content, you won’t enjoy what you have. Equally you can have very little and feel you have a good life. We all struggle sometimes, or with different things more than others, that’s part of life. Some weeks I cook everything from scratch and manage to keep on top of the house, other weeks I manage lots of gym and the house is less great. I think the answer you need is about you and how you look at things, not someone who claims to have everything perfect to give you their top tips.

This is a good answer OP.

I have a high pressure (full time) career and consider myself to be "thriving" on the outside to people looking in but in truth there is a lot of compromising going on, we have a cleaner for 2 hours per week. We have one DD age 6. I used to feel like you did, and I genuinely think the only difference now is that DD is older and able to help more/play independently.

My non-negotiables:
A dog walk on my own every day
Cooking from scratch every day
The house is generally tidy before bedtime each night
I get to sit down and do whatever I want after bedtime (no chores) as I desperately need the time to unwind

My DH non-negotiables:
Cooking from scratch every day
Time to exercise (in training for a marathon)

We work as a team to achieve this and some weeks require more compromise than others, for example because Cooking from scratch is something we're noth passionate about one of us will cook while the other spends time with DD or does a few chores
This week I've really felt on it, coming into the weekend my washing pile was low so I could focus on other things today (gardening, which i enjoy, with DD and DH), tomorrow my DH will get to go for a long run while I spend time with DD with no chores. On the other hand last weekend I had gone out one evening with my friends so the weekend was spent catching up on chores to set us up for the week ahead.

Essentially I guess we have a carefully crafted routine to keep us on track and give us time for the things that we enjoy but I still think you are in the weeds in terms of your child's age. My top tip would be to get a huge toy chest or similar so that before bed you can do a quick sweep (with your child when old enough) and literally throw everything out of sight (we had our kitchen done last year and dedicating a space to 'random pieces of artwork' was honestly such a game changer for my mental health in terms of being able to sweep all those random bits of paper with a scribble on that are considered priceless artifacts to a 6 year old into). I shudder now at the memory of myself rebuilding a duplo Minnie mouse house every night because I had this 'aesthetic' open play structure thing in my living room.

Why is all about your husband?

”My husband has high standards”

”My husband doesn't really like…”

Do you get a say in anything? If you want a nanny and can afford it, then get one!

thank you so much for the comments,

i currently do work four days a week soon to be five as it isn’t enough, I get to manage my day myself and due to tiredness and trying to do all these things I only manage six hours a day on average, it isn’t enough.

the tidiness is killing me. DH has a rule whoever cooks also tidies after and he will not budge in this, he will also not tolerate ANY leftover dishes, now some of you may say oh just leave them, and e end in MASSIVE arguments. I don’t want a divorce so I just do it to keep peace. If I leave bottles longer than half a day he’s commenting. It’s VERY hard. He thinks I’m untidy and I think he has OCD, this makes it very hard to deal with this combination.

he does morning and bath times with DC, I do pretty much everything else. It just all feels a mess. He won’t proactively take over DC duties unless I leave the house for more then four hours a time, like he will never volunteer to look after DC 8 hours straight for example and I do this regularly. I have to leave the house at weekend for this to happen. Should we rotate every two hours weekends instead? I don’t know.

we financially are comfortable and could easily afford housekeeping, probably a chef too, he says it’s frugal I’m being ridiculous and a princess with no concept of real world. I didn’t come from money but have no idea why it sits in the bank or gets spent on what he decides aside from our monthly income.

i appreciate some may think I sound very ungrateful, sorry if it comes off this way as I know some people have it way worse. I know this. But I am still struggling it doesn’t change that.

i am spending ridiculous amounts on shopping to ease my sadness and is the one thing I can control. It feels like our needs have gone separate ways and not sure we can align. He just thinks everything should be a struggle and it’s life, get on with it,

I don’t want to struggle, I grew up struggling and worked hard to get AWAY from struggle not closer to it

Why are you saying you used to have a career?

Ah well. Following your latest update then your shit life is thanks to your DH entirely.

He's a cock. He doesn't get to make the rules. He steps up or he fucks off frankly.

If you're out of the house a lot it does not have time to get messy. I am a big believer in quick and easy meals with minimal washing up! Also people have to be prepared to eat weird combinations when I have forgotten to do the online shop.

When I am organised I make soup for my lunches every day. No breakfast, soup for lunch, takes all the thinking out of it. Only works if you're happy to eat the same thing every day.