HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

[notaurewhatusername]

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

Your partner is completely unreasonable, it is his expectations that are the problem and not you. You need to have a frank discussion with him about how he is making you feel. The rule about cooking and tidying is completely unreasonable. Honestly I don’t know how you live with him!

So as it so often is this is a marriage issue, not a you issue, not a motherhood issue, not a career issue. It’s him. So don’t try and fix anything else, the marriage needs to be the focus. That doesn’t have to mean divorce, but it does mean a conversation needs to happen and a compromise sought. He can’t have high standards and not support you in meeting them, it’s ludicrous you could outsource the problem and he won’t consider it.

You need to break this down to him.

@ihearyoucallingbecause I am currently working approx 25 hours a week which is enough to keep it ticking over but that’s it. Not enough time dedicated to it to expect anything more. It is also not something I enjoy so much anymore but in part because I’m not excelling at it, and I’m doing parts of it that I hate. Again, I could probably change this but it’s complicated, pros and cons to eliminating the parts of my role I hate.

ive also lost quite a bit of confidence at work and that’s probably taken joy from it. I’m also so tired I can hardly focus, I’ve been making errors lately. Fortunately I’m senior enough it get away with most of these things but it’s not good at all.

Life is very different now to pre-DC.

But I’m still fit, exercise most days, have a good job, have friends, reply to messages, (mostly) cook fresh food. House is nice & tidy etc

How I do it:

• just have one child
• Work from home
• be ruthlessly organised
• choose exercise over watching telly etc
• time management- eg go for 5km run while DC at gymnastics while most other parents sit & scroll phones. Run the school runs etc

DH works long hours. No cleaner/gardener etc.

OP your update makes me sad because it's your DH that is the failure here, not you. You shouldn't feel like this at all!

I think you need to sit down and rewrite the "house rules". Why does whoever cooks need to tidy up? You don't sound untidy to me, you sound like someone who just has different priorities than instantly cleaning everything up (I'm the same).

Your comment about him thinking everything should be a struggle... I can't see how he's struggling because he doesn't have to compromise on anything currently.

Honestly my set up wouldn't work without a supportive husband.

@ToRideOrNotToRidework from home isn’t an option for me. I never watch tv either or rarely, every minute of day is up on my feet or looking after DC at gym or work unless it’s 9pm and I’m wiped out. DC has fairly late bedtime too it doesn’t help. Bedtime is 8.30pm on average

Oh and I’m also very good at killing two birds with one stone. So I never meet a friend in a cafe, for example. I always meet my friends for a hike/cycle/swim. So I’m ticking the social box and the exercise box at the same time.

LEAVE THE PRICK

Oh I take back my previous comment about your perception of a good life being how you see it. Well I stand by the comment, but of course you don’t feel you have a good life when you have a DH that does barely anything to help yet thinks he has the right to dictate how the house is tidied. How dare he! I think to answer your OP in light of this new info - women thrive when they get rid of useless arseholes like him.

@SpookyGiraffehe is supportive to an extent, for example tonight I said I’m not doing bedtime. He hasn’t done bedtime for probably 9 months! I said no tonight. He didn’t argue and did it. Baby cried but I was done caring. Why does my night always have to go on indefinitely due to always having bedtime duty? That said he does all bath times but he enjoys bath time so I’m like ok you do the bits mainly you enjoy! He does share night shifts though so he is v good in some ways I don’t want people to think he doesn’t get involved he genuinely does, but he also has rigid rules about so many things. We have done counselling and still nothing changed he thinks his way is the right way and honestly I have been ground down to accept it.

I’m considering paying off son personal debt and then paying for my own housekeeper who cooks meals too from my own income and leaving him to it. Would this be ridiculous? I could afford it once my debts are cleared (debts I racked up on holidays because admittedly I spend on holidays silly things too much, one of the few areas of escapism for me). We have large joint savings but they don’t get touched for nothing in particular just because.

he once told me years ago we can save half and spend half of our income, while we enjoy a good income this isn’t what happened. We end up saving most of it just because. Rainy day, whatever,
I feel we have the balance completely wrong but he thinks he’s always right sadly and this is how things have always been.

i have lately seen him make efforts to let me decide more so he is trying but it isn’t hard enough.

I suggested housekeeper and he said as compromise he will get his work cleaner to do more at our house as it’s more cost effective this way, and expecting someone to help with cooking is ridiculous and it probably won’t taste nice is what he said (!!!)

@ToRideOrNotToRidevery good suggestion thanks

Super supportive family helps a lot. I’m at the teen stage now but have my brother’s young kids overnight once a month to help him and SIL out, as well as as hoc babysitting. I WFH and manage my own diary so can step in at pretty short notice. SIL is a teacher so used to help me out with school holiday babysitting years ago before she had kids. My parents babysit for them 2 days a week and also clean, do laundry & ironing, batch cook and do the kids swimming lessons and homework on those days. My sister is an FA and does the whole family’s admin and finance stuff for us. I plan and book all her holidays for her.
A village makes a LOT of difference.

@RazzleDazz1edo you mind sharing what county you are in or saying whether you are near a major city? Your setup sounds amazing, you are fortunate to have someone on the same page as you are.

i ask location because im in a remote part of the world not major city where these things seem easier to find.

@RazzleDazz1ecan you also share what you spend on these things? I understand if it’s too personal in which case sorry for asking

You not only bow to your husband’s rules, but work like crazy to avoid his anger and “massive rows” when you really should be breaking his rules to adapt to the inevitable changes in day to day situations.

I agree with others, you do not have an equal and respectful relationship and instead live by his unreasonable rules and tip toe around to avoid massive rows and retaliation should you dare to want a more flexible approach

@barkygoldiehe does help, he shares night duty and probably does 35% of childcare, I work less than him so I guessing balances out. The issue I think is his rigid expectations and reluctance to get help.

he mows the lawn himself for example says he doesn’t want gardener to do it as it’s too much!?

he says he loves cooking and will do it all yet I did the last two out of three meals?!! Because it all has to be his terms, so dinner has to be when HE is ready to make it.

im just so low at this point

We don't listen to high expectations of DHs. If he has high expectations, he needs to do all the jobs.
I'd say the first 2-3 years of a kids life you need to throw standards out the window!

What's stopping him from cleaning a bottle? What's stopping him from.tidying if you've made dinner? What's stopping him doing bedtime if you've got to be tidying downstairs?

Not everyone is thriving... we just decide what our priorities are in the trench stages. And the first thing you need to do is stop giving in to your husbands demands... are you seriously saying if you just washed bottles once a day or left the dishes aside for a few hours, he'd threaten to divorce you?

It's a husband problem I'm afraid. He sounds so controlling - when do you get a day in your own life?

@BudgetBusterno, but he will bring it up and up and says it’s one of the main reason we are having marital issues. My untidiness and mood swings apparently

You have a huge husband problem.

His ridiculous rules are the problem.

Please leave.

Agree. Your idea of a good life is like a list of boxes to be ticked at all times. Not only do I not think that's possible, I don't think it's what 'thriving' means. It's lime someone judging someone else's life from the outside in. Which of those things really matter? Focus on those.

Edited to add I hadn't rtft. You ARE seeing your life from the outside in: from your husbands perspective only because he has so overshadowed yours. You are a person too- just as important as him. How do YOU want to thrive?

When things go wrong he often says because it was my silly idea making for example, I’ve lost confidence in most areas of life.

Silly example but I bought a phone holder for travel and I knew before using it he would take the piss and say I’ve wasted money. He did. Someone else then commented what a great idea it was and he started to wish he had one. But he always has to bring down my suggestions and confidence and I wonder if this is so that I STOP making them?

im trying to get hold of my life but im on confident feel I have to run everything by him for his approval otherwise he will criticise or make me feel shit when it goes wrong

Your DH is unsupportive in the extreme. No wonder you are not thriving.

Well have you considered telling him "Off you fuck, then?"

Before I'd let a man (or woman as the case may be) dictate that because I'm too tired of an evening when I do every single bedtime and majority of childcare to tidy the plates immediately after just serving him his dinner that perhaps a divorce is on the cards....

It'd be the last meal I ever made him