HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

[notaurewhatusername]

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

Omg @notaurewhatusername i could’ve written this!! You’ve read my mind.
I also have only one ds and honestly don’t know how other women do it with 2 or 3. When people tell me they’re expecting another of course I smile and congratulate them but I honestly just don’t see how they manage. I think I also have very high standards in other parts of life and there is no way I would be able to upkeep that AND more kids. I think many people let a lot of things go... in my case parenting one child, a business, my health/fitness, two dogs, a clean and organised house, home cooking, maintaining a good financials / investments, a few home renovation projects- this takes all my time. I literally have no more time in life to take on anything else! You’re not a failure. Xx

Well, I'd revisit that agreement if I were you. It's obviously mainly for his benefit, as he gets his way (the expensive patio, the unnecessary third car) since you are more laid back about money, but your suggestions are met with a flat no. For one partner to veto every financial decision that the other one proposes is really not an equal partnership. Has he ever changed his mind when you suggested paying for something that he initially didn't want? Or does he only permit supposedly "joint" decisions if he wants them to happen anyway?

Just keep telling yourself ‘This, too, shall pass’.

Because it will. It’s a moment in your life as a mother. It feels shit now, but suddenly in a few weeks/months they will sleep through from 10-7am and you will be euphoric in your achievement.

There will be other blips (finding them behind the sofa you once loved covered in sudacrem, having smeared it all over the walls, the carpet, the sofa itself, in a poop filled nappy and spending the next 3 hours on 111 ascertaining whether the zinc content is toxic, may be one), and many many highs. The highs get you through.

Deep breath, reach out to Dm/DMiLs/friends, and say to yourself again: this, too, shall pass.

You’ll be fine. You are enough, in fact, you are amazing.

Having no dogs helps. 2 dogs are almost as much work as 2 more kids 😉

I very much doubt that "this too shall pass" for the OP if she stays with her controlling, rigid husband.

DC has fairly late bedtime too it doesn’t help. Bedtime is 8.30pm on average

Bedtime here was always 7pm strict until DC was 7/8. Now she’s allowed to stay up a bit later weekends but still in bed 7.30 school days . Having my evening was key.

A cleaner for 6 hours a week?? How much does that cost? I probably don’t do 6 hours cleaning in a month and didn’t before children either!

Well do your really want honest answers or not?! I’m not sure what you’re looking for in your OP. You only want answers from perfect people with perfect lives? Well they probably don’t exist!

You have a DH problem. This was apparent from your first post and has been confirmed by your updates.

He is controlling you.

You need to tell your mum, or a female member of the family, or get some outside support.

I'm sorry, OP, you do have a DH problem.

The way the rest of us manage is by not caring about a lot of this stuff.

Having a baby completely dismantles your previous life. You have to rebuild it piece by piece, focusing on the things which are most important to you first and trying to slot them into place and then moving onto the next things. It's about juggling, and sometimes you have to let some stuff go and accept that you'll pick it up later. That's not 'failing' at life tbh - if you reach a stage where you can do this and accept your limitations with equanimity and without stress, then you're nailing it.

So what is most important to you? How would you prioritise things to maximise your wellbeing?

For me, the list looks a bit like this:

• Sleep - at least 6-7 hours a night, especially since with young children this is likely to be broken sleep. If you're not achieving this, everything possible needs to go by the wayside to maximise sleep.
• Good food/diet - essential for energy levels.
• Regular exercise - likewise.
• Work - the bills aren't going to pay themselves.
• Spending quality time with my kids.
• Quiet time for me - I need at least half an hour a day of time just to unwind/watch TV/listen to music with no demands from DH/kids.
• Meeting social obligations - replying to emails/messages from family and friends. I try to do this in 'dead time', so while waiting to pick up kids from school/nursery, while the kettle is boiling or on the train etc.
• Housework - this has to fit around everything else. Strangely enough, my house is a lot tidier if I spend more time prioritising the other stuff like sleep and exercise, because I have more energy. But that does mean being flexible about when stuff gets done. I have more energy in the morning, so often leave the kitchen a mess at night and tidy up when I wake up. I do stuff while the kettle is boiling or when I'm waiting for dinner to cook. Bathroom while kids are in the bath. Toys, we have 'tidy up' time just before dinner time, when we all tidy them up together. It's about making stuff less painful, and for me a 'bit by bit' approach works best, including leaving things until later if I really don't want to do them at that moment. If I'm exhausted, I'll leave a pile of dishes and go to sleep or watch TV. Then they get done when I've recharged.

The problem is that you and your DH have different approaches, his approach is at odds with yours and harmful to your wellbeing, and as far as he's concerned, it's 'his way or the highway'.

No one has it all in the way you describe and in the way your dh wants. It’s completely impossible. Something needs to give or you need to spend a lot of money.

You have a husband problem. And no practical suggestions about what to do will help that

You have a cleaner 6 hours a week. Honestly I keep an immaculate house and don't do six hours of cleaning a month.

You have a husband who won't touch a dishwasher. That's just werid and strange.

You obviously knew he was very weird before you married him and had a child with him. But now the weirdness is more apparent because you are so exhausted with a small baby.

You have one life

You need to live it the way you want. If you husband will genuinely leave you because you leave a plate on the side, then this isn't a happy place

So just start doing what you want to do and focus on fun with your child and don't worry about the cleaning

We don't have a cleaner, or a dishwasher. My house hasn't been clean since my eldest was born 10 years and I can't see it being tidy until they move out!

Goodness me. You've not a lifestyle problem, you have a husband problem.

I can only reassure you that you are not failing. Something has to give somewhere....for some it is less kids, others it is less hours at work....it's all a choice. I went back to work after 4 years off! I just couldn't manage more with no family support. I'm now full time but it is years later. Cut yourself some slack.

It's obvious who has read all the OP's posts and who is responding just to the initial post. . .

You say you want a good life. Decide for yourself (not your DH's priorities) what this means to you. I have 3 children and work part time. My house is clean but I am a fast worker and tend to do things immediately and quickly. To me, a good life means having a happy family around me, and spending time with them. I probably neglect my own health but I am happier than when I was running every day!
You have a child - did you qwant a child? Does living with your DH and child mean you are having a good life? If so, what can you let go? Cause right now yiu are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself.

Ok....and what time did your DD wake up? Because a 7pm bedtime would mean a 5am wake up for my DS, at the latest. He's 20 months and hasn't needed more than 10/10.5 hours a night since he was 11 months. Sleeps 1 hour at lunch max. A strange thing to be smug about.

Isn’t it just? I had 2 kids who slept 7-7 from about 12 months until about aged 8. I might have been smug about it too, except I think had a third who, if he ever went to sleep before 8.30pm, would be awake and raring to go at 4am. All kids are different, who knew?

You have a DH problem. He sounds controlling and financially abusive.

No cleaner no help, gave up good career once we decided to start a family, age range from 2 yr old twins up to 16....9 altogether, love every minute still all these years on. DH works full-time and dives in with what needs doing once he walks thru the door. Tidy house equals happy house is our motto lol and the kids know the quicker they help the quicker we get out to beach ,parks etc..only day we don't cook a meal is a Sunday and that because we go down my parents. Again dh will cook tea while I bath kids or vice versa and once there all in bed we sweep about with a final hoover, dishwasher on etc then chill for a couple of hours before we go bed

OP I have twins and when they were little and I went back to work (city, senior, full on) I worked part time and I had a cleaner / housekeeper who came in 3-4 times a week for a few hours.

standards definitely slipped in terms of life admin, exercise etc. my DH does the cooking so we still ate very well.
we both got a few promotions so was worth it, and now the DC are older looking to redecorate the house a bit (looks awful now) and I’m starting to exercise more.

we do have family nearby though.

With respect the OP is looking for advice from people who have kept up their careers!

Well at least while the child is so young you should get outside help. The problem is to get someone good and reliable. I had the money and outsourced as much as possible.
As sad as it sounds most couples find the time of raising kids challenging and realise the lack of compatibility on domestic issues. Hand in there as once the kid goes to school it eases the situation a bit. However, only if you keep it to one child.

Your husband sounds very controlling. No wonder you're struggling with confidence, self-esteem, and feeling overwhelmed. Even when on the surface he's doing good stuff like bathtime or whatever, the background noise to your whole life is that you MUST do things his way or else he finds some way of punishing you (you probably don't think of it that way, but that's what your examples in your posts show).

You must feel constantly stressed out as a result, which then has knock on effects on everything else. And then he's making these ridiculous demands about allsorts of stuff (dishwasher ffs!?) which of course you can't meet, and that creates a feeling of not being good enough.

I know this is all hard to hear OP and you may even be surprised that so many comments are saying he's controlling and the problem. It's hard when your identity is being strong, successful, outspoken. You are all of those things. And he is also controlling.