HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

[notaurewhatusername]

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

Crikey op. This is about much more than tidiness and you know it.

This is awful for you, and understandable that you are feeling so low. What a cockhead that he’s then guilt tripping you after all the tip toeing around HIS massive rows and retaliation for daring to not live by his rules.

This is a form of emotional abuse

He's abusive as well.

Log all these incidents, keep a record somewhere saved out of his view. You may need it.

OP, you could have the most perfectly clean, organised home with beautifully cooked homemade meals and a fabulous social life but your DH would still be who he is. He always will.

What specifically make him unsupportive? He does help when I ask and looks after DC mornings and some of the weekends and does night duties. He isn’t useless.

im not being defensive but also making sure I give an accurate picture of things. He does help more than a lot of guys

Can I ask, are you from a culture where its still traditional to defer to the man. Just the way you seem so deferential and worried about upsetting him.

It's easier to give practical advice if we know where you are

I have 3 kids (boys), work a fairly ‘big’ job 5 days a week, have a husband who wfh 5 days a week. We have a fortnightly cleaner (a team of 3 for an hour). Kids go to mix of primary school and nursery. We aren’t fitness fanatics, my husband has a sport hobby but only 2 hours a week max, I walk our dogs as my main exercise so I can’t really relate to your levels of commitment there but our house is definitely not show home and that is fine with us. Kids have 3 activities each which keeps weekday evenings pretty busy.

It really depends on your own priorities as to what makes you happy/less stressed. Over the years we’ve learnt what is ‘just enough’ and I would say we have a good life, I thought we were busy when the kids were more little but now with all the afterschool stuff it’s a whole other level. Housework is just not high on our priority list, and tbh I’m not all that fussed not having proper hobbies, I am pretty focussed on work and being present for the kids when I’m not at work so that for me is more than enough at the moment. I’ve no doubt as they get older and more independent then I’ll get more free time again.

He's an abusive prick...

Op people always think we have it together and there’s a few things we did. we don’t have family or any additional help.

1. weekends we alternate who gets up on each day so one person gets a lie in. We have found this vital to keeping on top of the tiredness.
2. touch it once process, if you pick something up put it where it should be straight away. Example is don’t pick up a glass and put it in the kitchen put it straight in the dishwasher.
3. meal prep and batch cook on a Sunday, it’s impossible to cook fresh meals every day while working with kids. Have frozen meals ready to shove in the oven when you get home or go on the nursery run. Also helps with the dishes and clean up.
4. get a food delivery and get this every weekend. It’s such a time saver and when you factor in petrol and time saved it’s a no brainer.
5. make sure you both have time to be away from the family unit, doesn’t need to be every week but time out to have lunch for a friend does amazing for the mental health.

@Backpain2026no I’m not from a culture where it defaults to the man. I just want peace and I don’t want divorce. I am VERY outspoken with him and told him what I want, what I need he then gives his opinion and that’s that. I can’t just go and hire some itside help with joint funds because that wouldn’t be joint decision. So where do you go from there? I keep leaving dishes he will eventually want to leave me. What’s the solution?

As the MN cliche has it, you have a DH problem. He has a rule that whoever cooks also tidies and he won't tolerate any leftover dishes? Who on earth does he think he is to impose rules on you? That isn't how equal adult relationships work. And he also controls the money? While you do almost everything for your child, work 4 days a week and plan to increase your work hours?

Get out of this marriage. Get out now.

I think you need to prioritise or get less sleep (which is also a form of prioritising I suppose).

I prioritise;

my activity levels, because my MH is nowhere without exercise, BUT I am nowhere near as fit as I was pre kids. I need to do ‘something’ every day, otherwise I go mad but it’s not focused training like it was.

my job, because without it we’re on the street and I earn a decent wage (150k) so I need to be present.

my kids

everything else -

my house is not tidy
i don’t have sex with my OH nearly as much as I should / want to (although our relationship is solid)
i don’t see much of my friends
our diet is ok but could be better. The meals are all cooked from scratch but we could improve the kids snacks.

you can’t prioritise everything.

Its not ok to make inflexible rules then have massive rows should your partner inevitably need to break these restrictions, while simultaneously criticising your partner’s actions decisions and choices

It is irrelevant that he does some of the normal day to day childcare and chores - this is both partners responsibility anyway

I even get criticised for using the bloody dishwasher. It’s lazy he says because I’ll use it most nights even for five or six dishes due to exhaustion, He won’t touch the dishwasher. Even when he needs a dish from it he will ask me to empty it because I filled it.

hes very weird in some ways. Very weird. But he isn’t all bad I’m just giving you the worst bits.

I just don’t understand it though, someone criticising a dishwasher? Doesn’t everyone have a dishwasher?

Let him leave.

Why don't you want to divorce?

Sounds like you’re married to a wanker.

@EverydayRoutinehe doesn’t control the money but we have a rule if the other veto something then we aren’t doing it.

he used to do joint things without even asking me and I put a stop to it and he listens now, he won’t make joint financial decisions either in the main without my consent. But he has a good way of railroading me and I’m also more laid back about money.

for example, we spent 20k on a new patio which I didn’t think we needed he just wanted it to look nicer. Maybe out of spite I should have said no but often my financial needs or wants are not taken seriously.

we have a third car which he insisting keeping. We don’t need it and it costs us a lot of money but I agree because I don’t really care. So do I need to start being more spiteful?

How do you react if he criticises you for using the dishwasher?

Honestly, I am managing to still have a lucrative professional career though perhaps not full pelt, and am a very hands on mum, but achieve that by barely going to the gym or doing things for myself. My plan is to pick up on myself again when they're secondary age but all energy goes into kids and work

he will eventually want to leave me. What’s the solution?

You ask him does he need help packing his bag amd wave him off 👋 Nobody needs a condescending prick in their lives

@notaurewhatusername yeah the dishwasher thing is very weird. Does he mind that you use a washing machine and aren’t hand washing everything as well?! Literally the point of these appliances is to free up our time to do other things

@gdyuttrrrrtold him everyone uses one and that HE is being ridiculous. I even had to use out cleaner as example. She cleans for a living and says she uses it even for one pot!

He doesn’t criticise anymore but he spent a lot of time doing so in the beginning which I find really really weird. Who would slate someone for such a basic appliance?

he says it takes just as much time to load and unload hence it’s silly and if I use it I need to ensure I unload it. He will never unload, ever. He won’t touch it.

He’s always right isn’t he?

You can strive so hard to ‘not have a shit life’ that you become task focused and you forget to have a good life.