HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

[notaurewhatusername]

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

I'm not sure if we're thriving exactly but i've learnt a lot since going back to work full time after my second child. Cooking - we have a big chest freezer, once a month or so we spend an evening batch cooking and freezing stuff for us and the kids for super busy evenings. Quick meals and less washing up. We meal plan relentlessly (surprising how much time you save when you dont need to discuss what's for dinner). We've got a big shop down to once every four weeks with just smaller shops for fresh items in between.
Tidying: I have a basket in every room - at the end of the day anything that doesnt belong in that room goes in the basket. If i have time i put it away, if not i save it for another day. Toy boxes - i have large, stackable clear boxes each with different types of toys. I get one out at a time, kids love taking stuff out and at the end i can just chuck everything back in.
Washing: I have a wash and a wear for everything - sheets, towels etc. That way when it's time to change sheets i just chuck on the clean ones so it's job done rather than waiting til they're washed and dried.
Exercise: Depends what you're into - when my kids were smaller i just put them in the carrier and went for a hike. Recently i bought a treadmill so i can get a run in after kids are in bed if husband is out. I also do weights a few times a week again after kids are in bed or sometimes while they're having dinner. I have a full workout and a shorter version so if i'm knackered i can still do a bit.
As others have said, it helps to lower expectations. Having kids this young is a season and it's ok not to enjoy every minute - there will always be plenty of people who tell you it only gets harder, not easier but (and i've seen this with my eldest) once they're out of nappies, walking, talking, able to dress themselves then it's definitely less intense.

@notaurewhatusername have you read the thread? Poster after poster has explained what is so abhorrent about his behaviour.

He’s controlling (including financially), inflexible, rigid, unreasonable, demanding, he undermines you and belittles you, you are afraid to challenge him - all of this amounts to abusive behaviour - it is coercive control. And he’s so far outside the realms of normal (won’t use a dishwasher ffs) that it’s obvious he’s not going to change.

Whatever you think his good qualities are, he’s not right in the head and you need to get away.

Firstly - you have a DH problem. He sounds incredibly rigid and not understanding/caring at all. A lot of his "rules" seem to benefit him & force you into his way of doing things. Was he like this when you agreed to marry him?!

Secondly - you cannot be/do everything.

Gym 3/4 times a week, children, perfectly tidy home, amazing career... it is not possible, there aren't enough hours in the day. You have to work out what matters most to you & what you are willing to let drop. I have two kids and a good career. My home is averagely clean and tidy and tbh I do not have time or energy to exercise regularly myself - its the ball i drop to keep the others in the air.

'He is supportive to an extent'

Supportive to an extent? That's how you describe your husband?

Honestly OP... that's all I need to see to know that he is the problem.

With my DH I can say 'he is my partner. We are 50/50. We are a team. We share the load. 100%. All the time.'

There is no 'supportive to an extent'.

Even the word 'supportive' is a problem - he shouldn't be supporting you. He should be alongside you, sharing it equally, as a team. You're not the main character here and him some kind of sidekick - you are supposed to be together.

If you can't say this, especially when you have a child, then something is not right. This is why you are feeling that things are off.

Children are all-consuming and they demand so much from us. They are amazing but they need a lot more than most people expect until they are actually in it. When I was pregnant, looking back now, I feel like I had no idea how much work it would be!

But OP, you aren't struggling because you have a child. You are struggling because you have a DH who isn't doing his share and actually sounds unpleasant and controlling.

Have you bothered to read any of the posts? Almost every post has an example of his behaviour.

• He controls the finances but tries to convince you it's joint
• He controls when you eat
• He controls who does what chores in the house
• He doesn't put HIS child to bed
• He berates you for using the dishwasher
• He berates you if you haven't washed baby bottles immediately
• He sees you are exhausted and instead of stepping up, he scoffs at your ideas of introducing additional paid help
• He threatens to divorce if you don't immediately tidy up the dishes
• He had ground you down to accept that he is always right

Those are just a few examples from the top of my head. Not one of them is normal and loving, everyone of them.is controlling and abusive.

OP I think you might benefit from educating yourself on the patterns of controlling and coercive relationships. There are some good resources on the relationships board. You are so deep in it you cannot see it (no blame: that’s how it happens and how people end up in these relationships). But please see that almost all of the posters on this thread see it and are saying it because they are in YOUR corner and want to help: not here to call your H abusive for funsies. You might also want to look into the freedom programme (Google).

The issue here is clearly your husbands controlling everything. It’s not you.

You need to leave. It will get worse for sure. 1 x a one year old is very easy. They get to 2 or 3 he’s going to ramp up his control of you when he cannot control the child.

They have money, support and good physical and mental health.

There is lots of things to consider in your post. The first is your dh's behaviour and quite frankly it is controlling. I couldn't live with someone with such exacting standards. He can have them regards to his own behaviour but that shouldn't extend to you.

I have 3 kids and have a clean and tidy home because I do prioritise it. I work part time though so usually 3 days a week but am self employed so manage my own diary. I would struggle to do this if I worked full time. If your joint finances are in a good way why not look at this area as baby is only 1 and you are still having night wake ups. Give yourself grace here, your child is young, still wakes in the night so yes you are bound to be tired.

I also exercise at home so I can fit in in around my life. I have a dishwasher and use it, everything gets shoved in there so my kitchen sink is kept clear. I prioritise cooking from scratch because I want to feed my homecooked meals but I batch cook too. I use online shopping because it saves time and that time could be better spent elsewhere. My dh is supportive and pulls his own weight as we work around each other he has the children fed before I get home. He cooks at least 2 or 3 days a week. We do little but often but I was taught to do stuff as I go along. So for instance I would wash dishes as I go or put them in the dishwasher when no longer needed.

For my family balance is very much key. Dh and I can only achieve what we do by working around each other and supporting each other. For me being part time allows me to keep in top of everything whilst feeling content too and dhs flexibility in hos role is key.