HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

[notaurewhatusername]

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

Wow OP I’m very sorry to have read all your updates, though the signs were there from your first post.

Your DH doesn’t sound normal. Please take that in. His demands, expectations and behaviour are completely unreasonable.

He is the reason you are struggling, not the fact you’ve had a baby. Imagine what your life would be like if you were both on the same page - equal parents, getting the extra help you need, no arbitrary and extreme rules about standards or cleaning or appliances - that is what you deserve and frankly you’d be better off alone than staying in your marriage. He’s already ground you down to the point where you don’t even fully realise that he is abusing you.

Like others have said it’s hard having small kids and you can’t have it all in the early years when you are still adjusting and they are still very dependent. As they get older life becomes easier but for now you need to lower your standards and yes get the help you need. If your husband will not accept this then you need to leave him. You mention this as a possibility if you don’t do the dishes the way he wants - well, call his bluff, let him crack on.

Edit: I just saw your updates so editing my post to fit your updates. So sorry you are going through all this. You need support in this. Your dh is not supporting you and is criticising you. Is there anyone you can reach out to?

OMG Op! Your dh is controlling and critical! No wonder you feel worn down. You have lost confidence. You will never find peace with this man. He is not flexible and pro-active. It’s his way or nothing.

He may help with some things but it’s always on his terms! Eg cooking dinner. He will only cook when he is ready so that isn’t really helping is it? He sounds so selfish.

The dishwasher thing is frankly ridiculous! You have a £20k patio you didn’t want and yet he has the audacity to criticise you for having and using a dishwasher!

Do not hire a housekeeper out of your own money. Also, if you are well off with savings and three cars, why do you still have personal debt? How much is it? Why haven’t you tackled it together?

The phone holder thing. You dread his reaction before he had even seen it! You are walking on eggshells! You have lost confidence. You are shopping too much and spending too much on holidays because your sub-conscious wants to escape!

Op honestly this is no way to live. Read up about coercive control. Your dh sounds dangerously close to qualifying.

^ This post gets to the heart of the issue.

Op your opening post is all about what am I doing wrong? I am a failure as a mother!
How can I fit more in!

This thread is nothing to do with whether you are time efficient or not. This is about your dh wearing you down to such an extent that you mistakenly think that you are the problem.

Op you do not need permission to leave or change your life. Your child needs a mother who is happy, confident, and a home which is relaxing and safe. Just think how your dh is going to start reacting when your dc grows up and makes a mess and develops opinions of their own?

You asked how you could improve your life @notaurewhatusername

Hate to point it out but your husband is the cause of a lot of your unhappiness.

He is controlling in his rigidity. You do realise you are an adult with agency? Why do his preferences have more sway than yours? Think about that.

His stubbornness and inability to compromise
break you down little by little. It’s already started.

This. What does a “good life” mean?

Your OP leads me to think you may need to look at nutrition. You emphasise that you are invested in health and fitness and back at the gym 3-4 times/week, before anything about work or the 1yo.
How much weight have you lost this year?
Physicak recovery is about more than getting back into your jeans. The exhaustion you feel could be a sign your body needs more calories and sleep.

This.
You’re living to someone else’s rules. That’s exhausting!!

why do you have debt if you are so comfortable financially and buying £20k patios? get rid of the debt as a priority then you’ll be more comfortable when you do probably split up.

What brings you joy in life?

Ah poor you OP! You probably have a lot more money than me - and it sounds as if your house is certainly nicer than mine. But I'm thriving because I live with people I love, who love me, in a household that is rooted in mutual love and respect. I'm sorry but your husband is an absolute controlling arse and no one would thrive living under his roof (because it very much sounds like it's his roof, despite what you pay for it).

You have a husband problem. To people reading your posts he comes across as emotionally and financially abusive. He is using coercive control. You yourself used the word railroaded in a post above. You do things to keep the peace. Re-Read your posts imagining that it was your best friend telling you all this. What advice would you give her?

I agree with PP, your DH is the problem here. How can you achieve the life you want when you have someone belittling you and controlling a lot of the financial decisions? This is unlikely to change and as your DC gets older there will be other stressors like school events, sports, after school clubs, play dates etc.. that take up a lot of time.

But the ‘good’ life you want sounds like a grind anyway because you seem to have perfectionist tendencies and are living with someone whose expectations are even higher than yours.

One small thing I would change is your DC’s bedtime. Honestly 8.30 is too late for a 1 year old. You need to pull it back to 7 and be religious about it. I could not have survived the baby / toddler years without my evenings. They saved my sanity and I still miss them now I have teen DCs.

Yeah, you’ve got a husband problem. He sounds controlling, inflexible and putting the work of HIS standards into

You need to put your foot down with him or you will burn out (it sounds like you’re there already?)

I think bedtime is a personal choice though. If my 1yr old (now a 2yo) was in bed before 8pm (now 9pm) we would start every day at 4am and I couldn't do that... it meant me having to go to bed very early too so I never got the evenings. By bed for 8.40 / 9pm now (at 2) he sleeps until 6.30am which works best for us.

Everyone is different.

Single parent for a long time 2 children run my own busy successful business. An independent Prep school with proper wrap around care and structured activities (they do riding, sailing, musical grades, production etc after school at school) was the only way I could have done it. Obviously I'm in a privileged position. You cannot do it all, you have to outsource. Then, supportive partner moved in when kids were young, astonishing the difference an involved , hands on, domestically capable adult who doesn't whinge and stonewall because they've had to make tea! We also share sleepover duties with good family friends so that we all get a child free night and morning occasionally. That helps too. Best of luck!

The more you post, the more awful he sounds.

I agree, a 1 year old apparently has sleep needs of 11-14 hours, I’ve had toddlers who were more on the 14 hour range and it made my life completely different to my current younger ones who are on the 11 hour end of the spectrum. I found the only way to juggle that with trying to maintain a house, career, sanity etc was to pay for extra childcare to make up the 21 hour a week sleep shortfall!!

Gosh op I am really sorry I posted without reading your thread updates. Having read whar you have written Without doubt your h is controlling and at the least emotionally abusive. Please look up 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. He is belittling you and sucking the joy from you. I only have this happy life because I got rid of the mysogynistic arsehole who belittled me and made a fuss about everything and nearly broke me. Take care.

I’m not thriving.

I’ve just read the updates. You are in an abusive relationship.

I suggest you seek some individual counselling so you can see your situation more clearly.

Merryoldgoat is right. Keep posting on mn too we have seem all the patterns if we've been thru it, and all of us want to help someone else get out of it.

He has conditioned you to think his attitude is normal when the reality is he is very controlling. You're worn down because you can't be yourself in your own home, the place you should always feel safe and free, you have to live according to his rules on how things are done.

A wonderful life isn't about having a sparkling bathroom. That's so shallow and superficial. You can have it all by hiring lots of help in, or you can choose which elements really matter to you. Are you quite young? Im an older mother, which means I've seen my peers die already and most of our parents, and honestly, it gives you some perspective about what's really important. Your life sounded pretty miserable to me before kids.

If you were working out multiple times per week, full on career, so out of the house 50h,12h of cleaning, regular sex, 6h of cooking, when did you sleep? That sounds like a recipe for burnout. Did this actually make you happy, or are you doing it for status/appearances/appeasing your partner. Sport is downtime for me, so I'm not saying you need to spend hours scrolling on the sofa, but your expectations don't sound realistic.

@VikingsandDragonscontrol is something you allow I guess. So if I don’t want divorce then how does it stop?

Do I just make what should be joint decisions alone, but that then means I am breaking our agreement that joint decisions need each others consent.

The fact you don't want divorce... even after reading every reply in this thread... just shows that you don't even understand the level of abuse in your household.

Please don't allow your child to be brought up in an abusive household.

Agree with this. The way you describe your DH’s behaviour - it’s so abnormal and so awful - there’s no coming back from it. He’s not just going to see the light and accept you asserting yourself. And goodness knows how he will react to it. Either you will give in and keep on appeasing him, or it will escalate.

You owe it to your child not to accept this.

@harrietm87and @BudgetBusterit would help if you commented what is so abhorrent about his behaviour?