HOW are some of you doing it? (Raising kids AND thriving)

[notaurewhatusername]

Before having a child I had a successful full on career, I’m very into health and fitness so I cook from scratch every day meal prep lunch and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. DH has very high standards when it comes to keeping the house tidy so I invest a lot of time in that (he does pull his weight probably does more housework than me) and our house needs a lot of maintenance too. We already have a cleaner six hours a week! But it’s the cleaning after every meal, clothes everywhere, toys, I’m exhausted. Am I just a complete failure?

Is it just the case that if you want children you are obligated to let everything else go in order to see them thrive and that anything outside of this is selfish or ungrateful? Or is there actually a way to balance all (or most) of this — still excelling in your career, still cooking from scratch, still keeping the house tidy, still keeping your fitness up, still replying to people’s texts, seeing friends and family and keeping your sex life.

I don’t mean this to sound spoiled or ungrateful — but I don’t want an average or shit life. I want a good life. That’s what I’m trying to achieve and is what drove me to build a successful career before kids. So I really don’t need the advice of “when you have a baby you have to stop doing these things.” I’m asking if there is a way I can still do most of these things and feel happy and content because right now I don’t and I don’t think I should have to accept that. Someone out there must be doing it? If that’s you, please tell me how.

Also — I have ONE child (1 yo). I have no idea how people with multiple children do it because the people I see truly excelling are raising two, three plus kids. HOW? Is hiring help the only answer? We already have a cleaner and are financially comfortable but my husband doesn’t really like outsourcing and has high standards so it’s not always straightforward.

I’m not really looking to hear from people who are also struggling, not in a rude way and please do comment if you relate, but mainly I want to hear from people who are genuinely managing this.

Do you have a nanny? Really supportive family? Does your partner do more of the childcare? What does your setup actually look like?

Sorry OP just read all your posts and your DH sounds really controlling.

My DH is very hands on and intense and a bit interfering but does a lot so I put up with it, but yours is on another level. My advice would be make sure you never give up your career as you need to hold your own in relationships like these.

Ive got three kids, a career and people could describe me as “thriving” but our house is a tip (and DP and I are ok with it!).
Have you considered proper couple therapy (not counselling). The situation with your husband is worrying…

You’ve got a lot of people telling you to change or leave your DH and/or lower your standards, but slightly fewer practical suggestions on what to do in the meantime.

A rule on needing agreement for joint spending isn’t bad in itself, but clearly isn’t working right now. He wants things you perceive as wasteful but you don’t veto them. You want things he perceives as wasteful and he does veto them. I’m pretty sure becoming spiteful won’t help you feel happier or improve your relationship. But it sounds like you have plenty of money between the two of you both in income and savings, so is it time to review your finances and tweak them? For instance, DH and I have our salaries/income go into the same pot, which covers all joint necessities etc, and we then have a direct debit to a personal account each for whatever we like. It means neither of us wince at (or veto) things the other one buys.

Havent rtft but hoping someone has flagged your husband sounds awful.
Like truly awful.

Your life sounds so oppressive.

He is there stood on the side lines with lots of "feedback" "advice" and plain ol' criticism and no actual help while you slowly break down and he gives zero fucks.

How many nights is he cooking and wash up everything by hand...? Presumably not 3-4 per week.

You could get a housekeeper (you can afford it) but no... rather than build a good life togehter and enjoy your weekends doing nice leisure activities he wants you to struggle and suffer through just because... how lovely...

You are earning good money so not stupid (stay in work btw...) you must know none of this is reasonable or okay...

Ps.never give up that job and going back FT is no bad thing. The worst thing that could happen is you become a sahm...

It gets easier when DC get older.

But a word of caution to you and your DH: children need you. And they need lots of time and attention from you (both).

You have to be able to fit in helping them with homework and taking them to extra curricular activities etc. So the gym 3-4 times a week (unless you go at lunch time) may be hard for you to maintain, assuming DH does the same.

YANBU to want to work, have a nice life and do your own thing, but you don’t just add in a child: being a good parent means giving them a lot of your time.

We’ve made it work because I wanted to go part time. No family help regularly here. We share nights off for choir (DH), occasional theatre trips or conferences (me), but I wouldn’t be able to fit in the gym 3 times a week, and I’d take a dim view of DH wanting to do that to be honest. You also need to carve out time as a couple.

I also think you should get your self to the Dr and have them check your bloods. Iron, b12 and others can make a huge difference to your levels of fatigue.

although if I had to live with your husband I’d be tired too

It can be done.

I do it. Am I happy though? That’s a different question.

You say this to him

”if I keep leaving dishes you will want to leave. I feel like if I don’t hire a housekeeper I will want to leave. I love you but I need some of the pressure taken off. Let’s agree to trial a housekeeper for 4 hours a week for the next 6 weeks and see how we feel at the end”

or even
“I am at my wits end. I love you but our current set up isn’t working for me. I’ve hired a housekeeper for 4 hours a week for the next 6 weeks as a trial. “

You have a problem - your husband.

He is preventing you having a" good life".

He has brainwashed you into thinking this is a problem that can be solved by your obedience to his edicts. You feel miserable and exhausted because of his unreasonable demands NOT because you have a baby. The baby is the reasonable part of the equation and he is not

You need his support and encouragement. Of course it is a team effort - he might have suggestions - or different opinions or viewpoints but not in such a way as to undermine and humiliate and reduce you to despair.

I also don't understand why you are killing yourself working five days a week when you are obviously under no financial pressure right now. New patio. ,Three cars. That's what should give not that extra day at work.

I think you are tying yourself in knots here and might possibly want to check for PND and your overall bloods iron vitamin d thyroid etc. although lack of sleep and overwork, stress can make people extremely ill. Take away those pressures and you might find yourself a lot happier whilst your baby is so young. There is time enough to resume your old life but maybe not just this year.

I don’t think the extra day is for the money, it’s because the OP feels like she can’t do her job properly in 4 days. I had a similar situation and it was far harder trying to cram it all into 4 days then it was spreading it over 5.

I feel so sorry for you. The reason you’re feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted is due to the anxiety around your husband's expectations, his bullying and demeaning you. I felt anxious just reading your posts. Please leave him.

You cannot spin all plates at once

work
relationship with dc
relationship with partner
relationship with family & friends
housework/maintenance
cooking from scratch/eating together
dcs extracurriculars
exercise
etc.

Just have to try & rotate them every now & then.

I honestly don’t think it’s possible to do it all even if you both did equal and still stay sane/ healthy/ thriving. The people I know who do it are cleaning and organising late into the night after work and half of their weekends are getting ready for Monday. The only times I’ve honest gotten properly on top of things since kids it’s meant being ready to move things/ tidy things/ organise and I’ve nearly been on the floor crying afterwards.

Saying that everything is a mess at the moment since I’m doing 40 hour weeks and I’m trying to figure out how to get it anyway respectable

Op you don’t overly enjoy your job but have upped your hours. Yet home life is a struggle. It sounds like life has changed and you don’t know where you fit anymore. I would definitely get a cleaner/nanny if you need one. You can’t do it all. My house has never been as tidy as pre children. Toys- make them less accessible so only one box of toys out at a time. Teach lo to tidy as they go once old enough. Dh does need to budge on some things.

We have both kept our careers, like you we have a cleaner, however we both work part time, I do three days at work and he works from home three days a week. We have a four and ten year old, so much easier ages. As there are two of them and two of us it makes clubs etc easier as it isn’t one person organising and attending. Like you almost all of our meals are home cooked, we both enjoy exercise, I play rugby and I’m now doing hyrox, he plays football and cycles.

We both have children, so we both parent them, no one helps. Helping is when you’re looking after another persons child or home, it isn’t what you do with your own children or home.

We’ve never had a row (we do bicker like mad!), but if we did we certainly wouldn’t have one about housework, that just isn’t normal.

Well, it comes dow to priorities doesn't it

And finances

And ultimately, what makes you happy

An immaculately clean house or spending time with your kids?

Ignoring your DH, what 3 things matter most to you? For you and baby.

It might be that baby is clean, fed unprocessed food amd arrives at nursery on time. Focus your time around that. If you go to bed with that achieved most of the time then that's successful.

If it means you eat processed food, so be it.

DH might do a bit of childcare but he doesn't seem to actually take him out.

Have some days out. The house can't get messy if you're out as a family and when you get home you give DH choices: are you doing bath time or cooking? Putting away laundry or hoovering? Preparing DC dinner or packing for nursery tomorrow?

^all of this ignores the marital problems deliberately because I know when you're drowning you sometimes just need support to keep your head above water.

Fwiw I had an amazing husband and I didn't thrive until dc was in school.

We just prioritise what is important to us, this doesn’t mean we can have everything we want but are able to live our lives the best we can with what we have. DH works full
time in a job he really enjoys which does mean he works away but but does also have some flexibility. I work part time in a job I love, this has its pros and cons but gives us a good balance. We don’t have much spare money but we wouldn’t have enough
more even if we both worked more hours to make the extra stress worth it. We’ve got 3 children and the youngest currently only goes to nursery when I’m working but when she’s 2 she’ll be able to go a few hours each day. From experience with my older ones whom we did the same with, this made a huge difference as gave me time to sort the house and life admin out, do extra WFH where needed etc

I feel that my experience won't be helpful but I'm going to add it anyway. I just didn't stress about house keeping. You have a cleaner for 6 house a week. I would have felt like a hero if I did 6 hours cleaning a week when my DS was 1 year old. So I think your standards are too high, simple as that.

OP, you're drowning & will burn out. You've had great advice about your relationship- please take heed. On a practical front, I found I couldn't have it all. For me it meant going part-time. I'm able to have a very clean & tidy house, cook from scratch, spend time with the kids & have some time to breathe. I'm still a professional, & enjoy my job, but I feel there's more balance. You don't need to work as much financially, but if you want to work, figure out what's important & cut some slack in other areas.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs 🫂

Your DH sounds exhausting.

Not to sound patronising but your baby is still young.

I have a teen, I had her young so had to climb the career ladder with her. And I would say I thrived (from the outside at least) as I was taking care of my child, became a single mum though, had massive family support and was able to have a side hustle and join the PTA and attend to my daughters extra curriculum. Earned well, lived well.

I have a 2 year old now, in my 30s, weirdly I don’t feel like I’m thriving in the same way that I was as a parent in my 20s. And I think it’s mindset but also when you have a baby after you have done a lot of the “thriving” and “career” stuff, you feel the difference more and the loss. Whereas in my 20s I had zero expectation but knew I just had to work. It’s a mix of that young naivety and having abit of a go-getter attitude.

Now, I have had to cut down my hours, which I don’t mind, but now that baby is getting older I’m thinking about increasing hours. But I’m accepting that he is just 2, and I do have abit of time to work part time, and when he starts school, I think things will be more stable, and I can focus on work abit more.

Im telling myself this as 15 years with my daughter flew by, and I spent her first 3 years being mum, upskilling, etc, and when she started school, I accelerated.

I also think look into why your energy might be low. Do you feel that home life and the husbands OCD is zapping some life energy out of you? A friend of mine has been exhausted and turns out it’s low iron. What about food, diet etc. I used to cook a lot with my daughter actually. Now with my son I pop him on my back with a sling and make food from scratch. I’ve taught myself shortcuts and I can whip up stuff with fresh ingredients in 30-45 mins.

So my advice is, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Also I have a partner that is pretty OCD with a clean house but he will clean, and I say that my exchange is that I’m doing more of the work with the kids. So it balances out. But it does sound like there are high expectations of you at home.

And although this isn’t a lot of people’s experience, I was a single mum with my first, being able to set my own terms was so liberating. Now with my partner, I couldn’t imagine walking on eggshells, I knew the life I wanted, and I knew that raising kids meant the house isn’t always clean, and when my partner met me, he knew that’s what he was getting into.

I do hope you find a balance but address the low energy. Have the conversation with partner about his ridiculous expectations. And baby is still young, you will have time to “thrive” if you mean career.

You had an earlier question trying to understand why your DH was unsupportive: he is not starting from the assumption that you are a team and need to figure things out together that work for you as a team.

You have limited resources: even if you were as rich as Croesus, you still only have 48 hours a day between the two of you.

We think about it in terms of how long everything takes and then prioritising it; and then figuring out who does what, and how we manage what doesn't make it into the time we have left (and outsourcing as much as we can afford to this was a watershed moment when we realised that it was crucial to our shared quality of life that we did we stopped being so grumpy with each other).

We prioritise:
Sleep (at least 7 hours each)
Working out (at least 1 hour a day each, although that includes getting there and showering, so in practice its 40 minutes of running / cycling / working out at home)
Work for both of us (both of us work 0.8, because we've figured out doing anything else doesn't fit; us both working 0.8 allows us each to earn enough and to have flexibility for unexpected things both financially and timewise and doesn't build resentment for an unfair division of earning /work / housework /childcare)
[When the kids were younger we prioritised one of us caring for them when we could -- I worked fewer hours then but we "calculated" the time as contributing to the shared endeavour]
Seeing friends / family: can manage about 4 hours a week each (or together, depending on what we are doing)
Supporting the kids with their sports (ours are older and very keen on their sports)
Doing things we enjoy together (can be sitting on our arses watching TV, days out, going to shows/ gigs etc)

We de-prioritise:
Cleaning (outsource to cleaner)
Gardening (v simple garden with a tiny lawn)
Cooking (we eat relatively well but very very simple low / no prep food -- think steamed salmon from a packet with salad leaves and tomatoes; microwaveable rice with some kind of beany sauce etc)
Everything else

Time is limited and you should be a team.

Your DH appears to have a long list of things you should be able to achieve and is getting pissy with you for not doing all the things. He is absolutely not seeing this as a team where he needs to be working as hard as you -- and yes, working for money is in the mix but it is not the only thing that is work and needs to happen. Sorry, OP, he is a complete dick.

It’s gets easier as they get older but that’s not very helpful for now.
Im not sure it’s possible to do all that yourself. Or maybe it is if you don’t sleep much.
I have 6 dc and pretty high standards. When they were little I basically outsourced as much as I could…. Cleaner twice a week, gardener,ironing sent out, car cleaner came to the house, dog walker. I don’t have any of that now as we don’t need it but in the early days it saved my sanity.
I know it’s probably not for you but I also gave up work once we got past 3 kids. I was sick of feeling like I was drowning but totally appreciate it’s not for everyone.