Page 9 | DH did nothing for my 50th

sugarpiebunnyhunch · 04/05/2026 21:35

StephQ1 · 02/05/2026 22:05

You are 50 not 5.Who cares about adult birthdays. It all sounds a bit pathetic to be honest.

How miserable. A lot of adults still care about adult birthdays, as it happens.

huuskymam · 04/05/2026 21:45

Divorce papers for his birthday, the miserable fuck.

Iloveacurry · 04/05/2026 21:47

Well definitely don’t do anything for his birthday.

RockGirl · 04/05/2026 21:56

Your life with him sounds very boring. This man is a fun sponge. Still, I doubt you will make any changes, as you seem to be finding excuses for his behaviour.

Hereandthereupupthestairs · 04/05/2026 22:02

My husbands family arent really into birthdays past 18. When he met me and my family who are super into birthdays he totally embraced it...for me and my family. His family is still super low key but every singel b.day I have had while with him he goes above and beyond. My 40th was unreal. Not just gifts but spa visits, time on my own or with friends or my sister.
You are worth more than this OP. I dont know you but I know this so surely your DH should?! A card for him and some time to yourself to think.

roshi42 · 04/05/2026 22:05

Apple04 · 03/05/2026 10:25

Yes, he knows it’s wrong and had the excuses ready. He’s more reflective this morning and said he thought the trip away was a nice present. Again I pointed out that I planned that and what thought had he put in?

He also said he feels quite sad that his family would never do anything like this for him and he would like to have done something similar with them but ‘they are not interested in celebrating birthdays’. So there is slight element of this is how he was raised. FIL turned 80 recently, they eventually organised a lunch at the local pub for him. We were half way there on the day when I asked DH to call ahead and check someone had got a cake. They hadn’t so I ran into M&S on the way to get one. Very depressing that’s how little effort they put in for each other.

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Oh great, so what he’s saying is his sad feelings about his family not doing birthdays means he couldn’t do anything for yours but he’ll be even more sad if you don’t do anything for his. He’s got that one totally sorted, hasn’t he!

Pistachiocake · 04/05/2026 22:32

A lot of people don't like making fuss about birthdays. Sometimes it can make them worry about mortality, or remind them of how they lost someone at a certain age. Sometimes they're in denial about ageing, and don't like to think they, or their partner could be "old".
And some people want to celebrate their birthday like it's a Royal Wedding, and make it a birthday month. Nothing really wrong with either view.

agentmarmalade · 04/05/2026 22:33

Mirror that energy for his 50th. Just a generic card, unrelated to his age or personal tastes. And tell him your not happy with his performance as well. If he doesn't like that transaction, point him to the exit.

Pipsquiggle · 04/05/2026 22:33

@Apple04
So sorry this happened and really hopes he makes more effort.

I can empathise, my family and my DH's family have similar dynamics. It's very difficult as they just don't plan or do hardly anything.
I do hope my DH does more for me when I turn 50 next year

Cyclebabble · 04/05/2026 22:44

Hi OP. For many years my DH did not get me a present for my birthday and in many cases not even a card. I would drop hints, but his standard response was we’ll just get yourself something. Similarly I cannot remember him organising a night out, weekend away or meal, birthday or not. I remember for my 40th where I organised a meal out and a stop for us as a family in a London (but not posh), hotel he asked on the day why we were doing this and why money was being wasted? I have always organised things for his birthday, presents, weekends away etc. DH now has dementia and I am his prime carer. The reality though is that if I had thought more clearly I might have determined that this was not an equal marriage. He did not really put in much effort, I do not feel loved or even respected. There were very few times when I thought he had done something nice just to be kind or nice and he never made any effort to plan or do things I might like. If I could wind the clock back maybe I would just at some point have called a halt, but again I do not know. Anyway too late now. Might be useful just to think about your own position?

mommatoone · 04/05/2026 22:46

Apple04 · 03/05/2026 10:25

Yes, he knows it’s wrong and had the excuses ready. He’s more reflective this morning and said he thought the trip away was a nice present. Again I pointed out that I planned that and what thought had he put in?

He also said he feels quite sad that his family would never do anything like this for him and he would like to have done something similar with them but ‘they are not interested in celebrating birthdays’. So there is slight element of this is how he was raised. FIL turned 80 recently, they eventually organised a lunch at the local pub for him. We were half way there on the day when I asked DH to call ahead and check someone had got a cake. They hadn’t so I ran into M&S on the way to get one. Very depressing that’s how little effort they put in for each other.

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Nah, sod this OP. He's had months / years to arrange something,so excuse is absolute bollocks !. And as for 'he's sad that his family wouldn't orangise this for him' . Why would he inflict those feelings on you then? Sounds like an entitled spoilt brat.

feelingfree17 · 04/05/2026 22:59

Leave a cheap flimsy card on the table and go out for the day.

Dontbeconspicuous · 04/05/2026 23:10

Apple04 · 03/05/2026 09:35

OP here again. All these responses have made me realise how much perspective I have lost and what I should be expecting from DH. No, he’s not always been like this and always been generally good at remembering occasions. He’s never gone for elaborate things but would usually get me flowers and a card. My 40th he got me jewellery. Anyway we had big heated discussion last night. He has just won a new contract at work so hadn’t been able to take time off to sort things out. This was a big birthday so why leave it to two weeks before to think about presents? I don’t want anything big I just wanted it marked with a bit of effort. I had chosen the hotel and he paid for it, I’m grateful for that but it was me who put the thought into planning. Anyway he said he does feel bad about it and was planning on sorting out a present when we got back. I feel these are all excuses and he could still have put more effort in before the day. Part of the problem is the contrast between DH and my family, as a group we always enjoy each other’s company, mark special occasions and have fun together. DH kind of disappears into the background when they are around even though I feel he should be taking the lead if that makes sense? He apparently discussed the cake with my sister but let her sort it out, order it and collect. Fundamentally he just didn’t make me feel special enough on my birthday and that hurt.

The moaning and negativity is a much bigger problem. He sucks all the joy out our home and I’m fed up with it. I made it very clear if it didn’t improve I would be leaving. He was very defensive blaming me and DD for it as he gets so annoyed with the state of the house etc (it’s fine btw, not immaculate but we work FT). He likes ‘order’ so the dishwasher needs packed in a certain way etc etc so everything annoys him as not up to his standards. I fear the moaning is just middle aged man who won’t improve. I’m refusing to go on any more holidays with him until he can do it without complaining. He eventually said last night he will try not to get so worked up about things. In the meantime as one pp suggested I’m going to do as much as possible without him and leave him at home. As pp experienced with her DH I suspect he will start to realise he is missing out. I’m going to find it really hard to ignore his birthday as it’s just not me to do that but I think it needs to be done, his family won’t do anything either so there will be no celebration.

“everything annoys him as not up to his standards”

He can do it himself then, can’t he.

EdithBond · 04/05/2026 23:13

He has just won a new contract at work so hadn’t been able to take time off to sort things out. This was a big birthday so why leave it to two weeks before to think about presents?

100%. He doesn’t need to take time off. Online shopping is his friend! He can sit in bed browsing and buying.

Or he could’ve gone to a large supermarket or chemist one evening (including the evening before/morning of your birthday) to buy you perfume, skincare, flowers and/or chocolates.

And, as you say, he shouldn’t have left it so late. It’s not like a 50th birthday sneaks up and takes you by surprise! He could’ve started thinking about it 6 months ago.

Sad to say, he simply didn’t care enough and, instead of being remorseful, he’s full of pathetic excuses. Sounds like he takes you for granted and thinks he doesn’t needs to make any effort.

I wouldn’t be tit-for-tat for his birthday, though. Don’t stoop to his level. But I’d do things without him if all he does is moan. Life’s too short to hang out with moaners.

Dontbeconspicuous · 04/05/2026 23:13

Pistachiocake · 04/05/2026 22:32

A lot of people don't like making fuss about birthdays. Sometimes it can make them worry about mortality, or remind them of how they lost someone at a certain age. Sometimes they're in denial about ageing, and don't like to think they, or their partner could be "old".
And some people want to celebrate their birthday like it's a Royal Wedding, and make it a birthday month. Nothing really wrong with either view.

But if you’re the former and your spouse is the latter, you need to make an effort to show them they’re special on their birthday.

EdithBond · 04/05/2026 23:15

Dontbeconspicuous · 04/05/2026 23:10

“everything annoys him as not up to his standards”

He can do it himself then, can’t he.

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Exactly.

Donewiththisshit · 04/05/2026 23:15

I really do understand how you are feeling and I’m sorry for you, you deserve better.
My husband bought me a voucher for my 50th birthday. He truly believed that matched the effort I had asked him to make for my big birthday. I organised my party, trips away, bought myself a special present.
It still makes me incredibly sad 2 years on and I’m trying to get the energy to leave him. Someone said earlier 50 is the time you re evaluate things.

MarmaladeorJam · 05/05/2026 00:01

Apple04 · 02/05/2026 17:22

Just back from my birthday weekend and just realised how sad I am yet another happy occasion has been ruined. DH moaning constantly and did absolutely nothing for me. My sister organised cake, balloon, flowers, presents. All I got from DH was a card. He’s claiming he was too busy to get anything sorted. My parents (80s) seemed very annoyed with him too. He’s from a family of moaning, miserable people but he knows I love spending time with my family who are the opposite (happy, fun). It’s made me really sad and questioning our future. He’s generally miserable at home too, moaning all the time. I’m working up to telling him if he doesn’t change I’m going to leave. It’s also his 50th soon, is it childish to do absolutely nothing in return?

Maybe it is not "tit for tat"?

Maybe it is simply doing it the way he likes it done?

Which is what you should do...

😁

Hedgehogbrown · 05/05/2026 00:16

You know how he is with your family so why did you even bring him? Surely at this point in your marriage you should know to leave him at home, then do something else with him separately. You will never turn him into someone who has fun with your family. Also why are you muscling in and trying to change his miserable family. Lots of grown adults don't do cakes for birthdays, especially if they are going to the pub. Do you think they were all desperately hanging on for your Tesco cake?

Him being miserable is another matter and it's up to you if you feel like you still want to put up with that, but the rest is your reaction which you can change or you are just having a shit birthday on purpose to prove a point.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/05/2026 00:57

Hamela · 03/05/2026 11:48

The updates make me feel that you will still be repeating this thread on your 60th.

He is clearly punishing you because he's bitter about his own lame family not caring enough to sort anything for him or themselves. He doesn't value you enough to break that mould. He's well capable of doing so for you but he chooses not to.

He's an adult, he clearly knows it feels bad to receive no effort or care, he literally said that.. he could have found the things that are nice in life well before now and pursued them- kindness, general thoughtfulness, not blaming his child and messy house for his lack of love and effort on your birthday (that's such a leap he's made there, it's honestly staggering how he has the balls to be so deflective and shitty).

Flogging. Dead. Horse.

I thought this too when I read

"He also said he feels quite sad that his family would never do anything like this for him and he would like to have done something similar with them"

He had a blooming chance to do something for you! What was stopping him... I'd be so annoyed to hear someone make that comment who had done nothing for me.. so he knows what it feels like, but.... but what?
And he knows it makes someone feel sad..." Boo Hoo, its really I'm the one that is sad.. I've missed out on birthdays all my life DW. Pity me."

What the hell?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/05/2026 01:08

Sorry OP.. just wanted to add, I think you should plan yourself a massive treat and celebration for yourself.

As to whether you should ignore his next b/d... I'm torn. On one hand he completely deserves it. On the other I think its miserable to behave like him... but galling to make a fuss of him honestly.

I know that's not much help.

Kokonimater · 05/05/2026 04:51

Tell him. You’re very disappointed in him and are wondering if there’s any point staying married. See what he says.

Qwerty111 · 05/05/2026 05:56

He decided to ruin your birthday because you don’t stack the dishwasher as he likes?

ilikemethewayiam · 05/05/2026 10:53

It amazes me how many men use the excuse I’ve been too busy. Do they think we were born yesterday? Birthdays are on the same day every year and there’s 365 days between them. No one is busy every minute of one of those 365 days. He’s known since the last one when your birthday would be next year.! This is never an excuse!

1HappyTraveller · 05/05/2026 12:32

He did have the time. What a shitty excuse.
He has know for a VERY LONG TIME that it was your 50th coming up. He CHOSE to not make any effort for you.
He knows you like spending time with your family - but he ruins this with his moods.
What an utterly selfish POS.

What else does he add to your life? Does he make any aspect of it fun or is he just a fun sponge and a drain? Honestly life is too short.

When people show you who they are believe them!