DH did nothing for my 50th

[Apple04]

Just back from my birthday weekend and just realised how sad I am yet another happy occasion has been ruined. DH moaning constantly and did absolutely nothing for me. My sister organised cake, balloon, flowers, presents. All I got from DH was a card. He’s claiming he was too busy to get anything sorted. My parents (80s) seemed very annoyed with him too. He’s from a family of moaning, miserable people but he knows I love spending time with my family who are the opposite (happy, fun). It’s made me really sad and questioning our future. He’s generally miserable at home too, moaning all the time. I’m working up to telling him if he doesn’t change I’m going to leave. It’s also his 50th soon, is it childish to do absolutely nothing in return?

Put an end to this now. I could have written this except my DH wasn’t miserable, just obsessed by what he was doing and I came low on his priorities. Your DH won't change, he will become more miserable with age and if you do what I did and stick with him you may end up as his carer, as I have. Leave while you still have a chance to make a happier life for yourself and, should you want to, find a more appreciative and loving partner.

You absolutely need to do nothing for his 50th, except the card OP. It’s really the only way he will learn. Your husband could have spent 10 minutes browsing online and choosing a gift for you whilst he took a shit!! But he didn’t care enough to do so 😠

I’m one of two women on our ten-person exec team at work. We’re in a highly paid profession, so there’s no concern about affordability (just apathy and laziness on their parts!).

The quality of their present buying for their wives have improved massively since I joined two years ago 😂 Mainly because I make noise about forthcoming Christmas, Valentine’s, Mother’s Day etc and ask them what they’re doing (we’re close and have lunch/drinks together often). And when they say “nothing”, “she’s not my mother”, “we don’t do gifts”, “I got her an air fryer she wanted” (true story!!), I laugh and say “that’s funny, so what are you actually getting?”. And when they look googly eyes, I say, “don’t be ridiculous, there’s a load of beautiful shops about 5 mins in that direction, go inside [Fortnum, Jo Malone, Tiffany, Monica Vinader, Anthropologie, Selfridges, Charlotte Tilbury] and buy something and they will gift wrap it for you”.

I’ve drawn the line at shopping for them 😆

There’s always one miserable bugger!

Not in my family.

we grew up with very little money(mum was left a widow in her early 30s with 2 young children) she always made a huge effort for our birthdays. We didn’t get much but she made the day special.

every birthday should be celebrated in style, growing old is a privilege that some people don’t get.

I make a big thing about everyone’s birthday in our home. It is their special day after all?

I recently joined the ‘match their effort and energy ’ wagon and life is so much better!

It's one of the most fundamentally destructive behaviours in a relationship I have ever seen. It's more common than you think too.

Take yourself out for the day away from him with your friends. Resist the urge to be nice and don't mention it to him.

If you don't find a distance of some sort, it will hurt you every year and it's cumulative.

Nah, she’ll probably get ‘I didn’t ask you to’ or ‘it was your choice’ speech. A 50yr old man won’t go to this level of introspection if he hasn’t done that by this age.

And if you do make a fuss for his birthday, he’ll think he’s special and deserves the attention and special effort.

Selfish knob!!

It's not good enough by a long chalk and there is absolutely no excuse for being a lazy fuck and not even putting in an ounce of effort.

That's clearly what he thinks about you, then. Nice.

He will now try to play the victim and "oh poor me" among all the excuses of why he can't be bothered to step up.

On the upside, you don't have to put up with it. I'd be doing my own thing from now on, and re-assessing my future. And he gets nothing more than a card on his birthday.

Sounds boring as hell. Why doesn’t he want to celebrate anything?!

Give him a birthday card with a pound coin sellotaped in it.

And leave him.

You’re only 50 - set yourself free from this miserable git. Your 60 old self will thank you!

I'd get him a card.
And go have a good time celebrating without him...
And I'm usually empathetic!

Seriously, the talk and ultimatum have to be had soon.

Fuck that shit!!

How little they put in for each other is not a you problem, it's a DH problem.

As a 49 year old, and having been with you for at least the last 10 of your birthdays, plus those of your family members, he's had the opportunity to see celebrations role modelled well. And still he's choosing the passive option that 'celebrations are things that happen to other people' (by magic??) rather than taking ownership of a celebration and being active in it. At the very least he could try and take the lead but check in with your sister that he's doing it right if he's had zero practice.

He has the power to change things. It sounds like he has a fixed external locus of control and things happen to him rather than him making things happen. My DH was a moaner when we met and my 'so what are you going to do about it?' attitude has rubbed off on him over the last few decades. So they can change but only if they want to.

maybe he did nothing cos he knows your sister arranged something & you woild prefer that. Did you have a conversation about it?

given you think its acceptable to purposely spoil his birthday, thats your confirmation the marriage is dead, beyond saving & you need to split up.

your post screams you do not like him or his family

l would do nothing in return and when he moans say you were too busy, and point out he did nothing for yours- sometimes miserable people just need a wake up call- if still flatline review your future together.

YABU. Why are you hating around for him to let you down again? Sack him off.

Seriously??? Wow.... seems like the OP is one that makes an effort regardless, so I would certainly be doing nothing but a card for his.

I dont mean do it for the purposes of educating him. The alternative is lowering herself to his standards which just wouldn’t be me.

Tit for tat doesn’t get anyone anywhere. If she wants to leave she should but staying in a relationship where all you want to do for your husbands significant birthday is a card is so tragic. I’d give it one last bit of effort (I assume as posting on here she hasn’t quite given up but I also do not have time to read the 100s of posts since I posted!)

What op to busy to buy his wife a nice gift for her big birthday sorry that’s just an excuse or just pure laziness you can shop online 247 no one is that busy. Mirror him for his birthday.

Have you considered, for your 50th birthday, just leaving him. Even better, do an eastenders (or was it coronation street) and hand him divorce papers for his 50th.
Life is too dang short for whinging wallies.

PS, don’t necessarily take my advice, I am a jaded old mare 🙂

He knows but isn’t motivated..he doesn't need educating. The lesson is Birthdays dont matter to HIM so a card it is then

Fifty is old enough to know how you want the rest of your life to be. For the love of God, if not now, when, @Apple04 , will you live your life for your own happiness?

eta after reading your updates, I cannot understand staying in such a relationship. How utterly miserable indeed to have to decide to ignore his birthday. What a way to live. It's depressing, really. Your poor daughter as well.

I had one like this... generally miserable and moany. Charged me half of everything and didn't get me even a card for my 50th. Said he didn't know what all the fuss was about its only another day. But gatecrashed my family meal, ate and didn't contribute. Also frequently went past my house to visit ex gf then told me what a lovely day he had with her.... then when I told him to foxtrot Oscar he didn't know why ...