DH did nothing for my 50th

[Apple04]

Just back from my birthday weekend and just realised how sad I am yet another happy occasion has been ruined. DH moaning constantly and did absolutely nothing for me. My sister organised cake, balloon, flowers, presents. All I got from DH was a card. He’s claiming he was too busy to get anything sorted. My parents (80s) seemed very annoyed with him too. He’s from a family of moaning, miserable people but he knows I love spending time with my family who are the opposite (happy, fun). It’s made me really sad and questioning our future. He’s generally miserable at home too, moaning all the time. I’m working up to telling him if he doesn’t change I’m going to leave. It’s also his 50th soon, is it childish to do absolutely nothing in return?

Please please don’t do anything for his birthday.

don’t give in to self guilt, or ‘take the high road’ or ‘be better’ bullshit, do nothing.

And also, think seriously about what you what the next half of your life to look like.

For his birthday just buy a card as he did for you. I’d also go out for the day and leave him to it.

well actually depending on when this year I’d have moved out and left him to it. He could have at least let you have a nice time with your family.

Sounds like it’s time to make your life happier @Apple04
and if that means him not being in it, then I wish you well.

You could do a Den Watts and present divorce papers in his birthday card but you might be kinder than me.

I’m glad your family made a fuss of you.

Too busy to get anything what a load of shit you make time to get something thoughtful and relevant.
The excuse men aren't good at gift buying is crap.
Not often I feel the need to say it ..I'm a male and I manage it.

You have one life @Apple04 and you are only 50. FGS leave this miserable mood hoover. There's nothing worse than a miserable middle aged man, because they bring everyone else down with them... Moan moan moan is all they do, but never do ANYthing to change anything. NGL my DH had a phase of being like this in his late 40s, and I got fucked off with his arsey grumpy miserable fucking face! So I forged a life away from him, did things with friends, and family, and excluded him, because I couldn't be fucked with his miserable whingeing face, and all his 'ailments.'

This went on for a couple of years, and he began to realise he was left out of everything. I was actually planning on exiting the marriage when the DC had left home, but he changed his ways, after seeing the GP about how he was feeling (miserable and low and ill all the time!) Long story short, he was much better and happier (a few months later) and I started to have some laughs and good times with him again ... (He was fine before he hit 47-48 and turned into a grumpy fecker!) I could not have stayed with him, if he had remained as he was for those 2 years or so.

tl;dr, you need to tell your DH that are are really pissed off that he couldn't be arsed to do anything or get anything special for your 50th, and you're not sure you want to spend the next 30 years as miserable as you are now, in a shit marriage to a horrible, miserable curmudgeon! Shake him up. Threaten to leave.

Make this the last occasion he ruins for you; you’ll be so much happier without him.

Just make sure you have the facts before making decisions. Things like cake and presents are usually something discussed prior to birthdays. Be sure he didn't try or care and it wasn't your sister overstepping and being bossy. Who booked and paid for the weekend away?

How long have you been together? If it is years and you've celebrated other birthdays for which he has done nothing then I think yabu. Why would he do anything significant if he hasn't before? Im not saying I condone his behaviour in any way but what made you think this birthday would be any different?

Sometimes we need to believe people when they show us who they are. You can't change him but you can change how you respond to his behaviour. I'd stop wasting time on him and get rid but I'm quite direct. The first birthday where I didn't receive a present or cake I would have raised straight away citing the lack of effort and care and how that made me feel. A partner to me is exactly that, someone who raises you up and celebrates you. This guy is a deadweight who needs to be dropped.

Surely he's not actually expecting anything for his 50th seeing as he doesn't value anyone else's birthday celebrations!
I mean, not just anyone else's and not just any birthday, his own wife's 50th.
Do not put an ounce of effort into it op, I can imagine he will only moan no matter what do you do you might as well save your time, evergy and money, just like he did.

I wouldn't do more than buy him a card for his birthday, but not would I expect him to be bothered by that. I'd assume he's someone who just doesn't care about birthdays, including his own.

I would tell him explicitly how upset I am though, that he's so moany all the time and inconsiderate, and tell him what I need to change to have a happy relationship.

You don't sound like you enjoy spending time with him.

I'd leave and see if he bothers fighting for you, not ask nicely to be treated to the bare minimum.

Clearly a very very unhappy marriage so why are you surprised?

@LettuceAndCarrots can't blame her for not enjoying spending time with him.
Slightly different I worked with someone who was miserable as sin ,constant moaning and I used to dread work because it was draining.
I can't imagine living with someone like that.
Sounds as though op puts up with a lot.

Well he ain't going to get better with age.

exactly, he's probably only going to get worse as he gets older, unless he really makes the decision to change and works hard at it. Maybe you threatening to leave might be the catalyst to prompt it, maybe not, but at least he won't be dragging you down!

Get him a card. Job done. I'd also be thinking that he's not going to get any better as he ages.

Two things:

• organise a lovely day out for yourself family and friends on his birthday.

• 50 is a watershed ... time for some revaluation of how you want the future to be. You have less than half your life remaining. You need to think how you want to spend it.

I mean obviously you do nothing for his now but is that really how you want to live? I love special occasions and would find that all so depressing.

Too busy? My DH ran a law firm of 750. He had two children. He was away for work 100 nights a year. Yet he made my 40th incredible. Took me away for the weekend to Le Manoir aux Quat’Saison. Gave me lovely gifts. There’s no excuse - and if this is his habit then why do you put up with it? He won’t change. You know what you have to do.

He isn’t too busy, he just can’t be bothered. For his birthday, you should get him just a card. Don’t ask him what he wants, what does it matter? You aren’t going to do it. Just make it any other day. If it is a working day, go to work.
Whilst this was crap, actually the bigger issue for me was the spoiling it by moaning. How dare he!
I think I would start to organise activities without him. Get a taste of how your life would be if he were not in it. See if you like it more. Don’t cook or clean up after him, wash for him etc. If he questions what is going on I’d be truthful - he moans so much that you don’t want to spend time with him.

Their behaviour never improves with age OP. This kind of attitude of 'I'm too (important) busy' to have organised anything nice for your birthday will only get worse.
After all, hes only had 365 days since the last one to plan anything; he must be absolutely rushed off his feet the poor soul....
He's basically saying that you're not worth his time or energy. That speaks volumes to me.
Of course it'll be your fault and then he'll be in a foul mood because of how you've made him feel.
Get rid of him now and start your new life without this emotional child of a man. Only allow people into your life from now on that treat you with the respect that you deserve xx

Match his energy levels - just a card and don’t bother with anything else. If he says anything or moans just point out you did for him what he did for you. So pleased your family put in the effort to make it special and recognise your significant birthday.

Oh, fuck that. He'll only get grumpier and what the hell is the point staying for that? Hard for your family too, watching that. Lovely that your sister sorted things but what a lazy, uncaring twat. No. YANBU.

This is who he is. He isn’t going to wake up one morning miraculously different. You either take it or leave it I’m afraid and I’d be leaving it. Life’s too short to live with a constantly miserable sod.

He’ll get more miserable as time goes on. You deserve better.