DH did nothing for my 50th

[Apple04]

Just back from my birthday weekend and just realised how sad I am yet another happy occasion has been ruined. DH moaning constantly and did absolutely nothing for me. My sister organised cake, balloon, flowers, presents. All I got from DH was a card. He’s claiming he was too busy to get anything sorted. My parents (80s) seemed very annoyed with him too. He’s from a family of moaning, miserable people but he knows I love spending time with my family who are the opposite (happy, fun). It’s made me really sad and questioning our future. He’s generally miserable at home too, moaning all the time. I’m working up to telling him if he doesn’t change I’m going to leave. It’s also his 50th soon, is it childish to do absolutely nothing in return?

If you didn’t tell him you wanted him to do something, he isn’t going to suddenly be thoughtful if he hasn’t been in the past. If he thinks these things aren’t important, tell him as it’s not important, you and the kids are going away for the weekend of his birthday and have a nice time without him. In future plan nice things without him if he doesn’t want to be involved. Sometimes it’s the wake up call- my DH was a bit like that because that’s how he grew up. It changed when he realised he was missing out.

The standard you set is the standard you get. Give him a card for his 50th. Otherwise you are reinforcing his idea that he is superior to you and deserves better treatment. He won’t think any effort you make is because you’re kind. He will think it’s because he deserves it. Also, why let this grumpy, selfish old man ruin the rest of your life? Something to really think about.

My in-laws don't do birthdays. Never have, not so much as a call. My family are the opposite and always mark each others birthdays. This contrast has never ever impacted the amount of effort my husband makes. We have been married for 20 years and he still carefully chooses experiences and presents (not mega bucks but just thoughtful things). I'm not writing this to show off, I'm just demonstrating that it's a horrible excuse and shows so little care for you.

He’s putting the blame on the short years he lived with his relatives compared to however many he’s lived with you and seen how you and your family do celebrations and fret people? No he’s using this as an EXCUSE to treat you like shit!!!! I put up with this from my ex and believe me it destroys you year after year not even having a cake from the supermarket bought for you let alone any effort put in! After going all out for my husband’s 50th he didn’t even get me a card! That was the end as far as I was concerned.

All I wanted for my 40th was a 4 and a 0 balloon, my husband couldn’t manage it however he is useless and thoughtless at those sort of things. I’ve come to accept it as in other ways he’s absolutely great. Pick your battles and look at what he also does.

Miserable sod! Life is too short to live with a moaning, complaining, grumpy old git. He absolutely must not have a fuss from you for his 50th. Time to plan the rest of your fun loving life while he rearranges the dishwasher.

My ex-husband chose to ignore my first ever mother's day. His excuse being that he doesn't have a mother and therefore didn't think about it. The fact that we were going to my parents for mother's day somehow managed to pass him by ...

It's not the only reason that he's 'ex' but it did start to go downhill from there.

I would celebrate his birthday, not for him but for your child/ren. The dude doesn't deserve it but how will they feel if dad's birthday isn't celebrated?

No way would I be getting anything for him or arranging for him. Absolutely not

So once he reflected he made it about himself!!!

Ignore the excuses and dump the miserable cnt who makes zero effort. Seriously, you must know that your life would be far better than this if you were single?

My OH forgot my 40th. We were on holiday together on the day. A holiday I'd organised and paid for including paying for him. And he didn't even get me a card.

We are still together but it really hurt at the time.

Thing is, if this is normal behaviour for him, you either accept it, or ask him to change but accept he may never change and the consequences of that. I did the former but to be fair, he has done better since, with some odd missteps on bizarre presents at times (a drum kit anyone?) But at least now he tries.

What is your love language? I think mine is acts of service. I like to be "seen" and it's hard to feel like you're not.

But do share how you feel. Start it with "I feel..." not fact based.

So "I feel sad that I didn't receive a present because it made me feel unseen. I would like you to spend time, not necessarily money on something thoughtful for key events like birthdays and Christmas as it helps me feel seen by you."

He also said he feels quite sad that his family would never do anything like this for him and he would like to have done something similar with them

Ahh - well played H, pulling out the victim card on your wife's birthday! Top drawer victimhood right there

Absolutely. And I guarantee OP has been doing this for YEARS and it’s never worked yet. Time for project “pet husband/man rehab” to be given up in favour of project “freedom” and “I love me”… DONT WASTE ANOTHER SECOND!

No, all this does is show your children that how he treated you is acceptable and there are no repercussions for selfish behaviour

If only some men realised what they put in jeopardy by their increasing self-centredness and lack of care for others.

I see it so often. A stable marriage destabilised by a grumpy self-absorbed git, who is shocked when his wife leaves.

This was my first thought, too - that he’s only going to get worse. Do you really want 40 more years of this fun sponge?

How did they feel when their dad did SPA* for his dw - their mum?

*sweet piss all
😊

The birthday is almost less of an issue than the other stuff. He whines and moans and complains.... and it's your fault (and your DDs) because the house isn't immaculate or the dishwasher isn't done the way he likes it? Yeah, that's a huge problem. I mean, sure, if you are routinely at home all day and leaving the place in a tip, I can sympathise but it sounds like a) it's not a total tip and b) you're at work so it's really not 100% on you.

He sounds like a complete joy-thief, who is controlling to boot. Yuck.

Also, DH's family are like your DH's - they couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery frankly and I never cease to be annoyed at the uselessness around big occassions. But, while Dh is awful, he knows that birtdhays, especially big ones, are important to me so he does his best to live up to that. Because he loves me and, at 54, he has learnt how to adapt and grow to meet my needs (as I have, for his).

dump Him, Op. have you considered getting with a woman? @Apple04

Get out OP! Celebrate yourself and the years ahead!

Listen Sister: when it's HIS Birthday weekend, Book a Trip, as far away as possible, a FRIDAY to Monday one. Don't be Rude though, leave a birthday card, somewhere in the house for him to find. Oh and don't tell him till last minute AND DONT you dare get into a discussion about the WHYS and Wherefors about it.

He sounds like hes sucking the life out of you. Your 50 and have years left to live your life. You deserve to be happy. Dont leave it too late x

Maybe I’m a moaning Myrtle, but I think any pressure to pull out the stops and get cake and balloons for an adult is ridiculous. You’ve described the party of a 7 year old.

It is ok that you like this kind of performative jolliness, but I’d like you to reconsider some of the ways you think about what is right and what is wrong.

There is nothing wrong or depressing about not wanting to fuss over your husband or wife like a child on their birthday. Planning your own birthday trip with a blank cheque isn’t nothing, it means you get exactly what you want, and your partner is thoughtful enough not to try a surprise.

Aside: I don’t even like cake. I think it is one of the worst desserts on the planet.

Why should you expect to be made to feel special only on your birthday? You should feel special and loved 🥰 every day. Jewelry, flowers, cake, balloons, at a big family reunion just for your birthday- is it about how doting a husband he is in front of your family…is that really what matters?

You said he is usually good at giving you what you want. It’s up to you if you want to give him another chance or find another partner to train up. Just saying that there is no one right way or wrong way.