DH did nothing for my 50th

[Apple04]

Just back from my birthday weekend and just realised how sad I am yet another happy occasion has been ruined. DH moaning constantly and did absolutely nothing for me. My sister organised cake, balloon, flowers, presents. All I got from DH was a card. He’s claiming he was too busy to get anything sorted. My parents (80s) seemed very annoyed with him too. He’s from a family of moaning, miserable people but he knows I love spending time with my family who are the opposite (happy, fun). It’s made me really sad and questioning our future. He’s generally miserable at home too, moaning all the time. I’m working up to telling him if he doesn’t change I’m going to leave. It’s also his 50th soon, is it childish to do absolutely nothing in return?

I would do this too! Don’t let anyone else negatively influence your own standards!

Time to evaluate if you want to spend the next 30 years ish with this selfish man. Mine did similar on my 40th. The behaviour is usually part of a bigger picture and my bigger picture was pretty miserable. Been divorced 3 years now and I’m so much happier. It’s time to choose yourself xx

You’ve changed your tune

You are completely missing the point.

OP here again. All these responses have made me realise how much perspective I have lost and what I should be expecting from DH. No, he’s not always been like this and always been generally good at remembering occasions. He’s never gone for elaborate things but would usually get me flowers and a card. My 40th he got me jewellery. Anyway we had big heated discussion last night. He has just won a new contract at work so hadn’t been able to take time off to sort things out. This was a big birthday so why leave it to two weeks before to think about presents? I don’t want anything big I just wanted it marked with a bit of effort. I had chosen the hotel and he paid for it, I’m grateful for that but it was me who put the thought into planning. Anyway he said he does feel bad about it and was planning on sorting out a present when we got back. I feel these are all excuses and he could still have put more effort in before the day. Part of the problem is the contrast between DH and my family, as a group we always enjoy each other’s company, mark special occasions and have fun together. DH kind of disappears into the background when they are around even though I feel he should be taking the lead if that makes sense? He apparently discussed the cake with my sister but let her sort it out, order it and collect. Fundamentally he just didn’t make me feel special enough on my birthday and that hurt.

The moaning and negativity is a much bigger problem. He sucks all the joy out our home and I’m fed up with it. I made it very clear if it didn’t improve I would be leaving. He was very defensive blaming me and DD for it as he gets so annoyed with the state of the house etc (it’s fine btw, not immaculate but we work FT). He likes ‘order’ so the dishwasher needs packed in a certain way etc etc so everything annoys him as not up to his standards. I fear the moaning is just middle aged man who won’t improve. I’m refusing to go on any more holidays with him until he can do it without complaining. He eventually said last night he will try not to get so worked up about things. In the meantime as one pp suggested I’m going to do as much as possible without him and leave him at home. As pp experienced with her DH I suspect he will start to realise he is missing out. I’m going to find it really hard to ignore his birthday as it’s just not me to do that but I think it needs to be done, his family won’t do anything either so there will be no celebration.

Ok so sounds like the birthday issue is bit a drop In the ocean of something that is circling the drain and has been for some time.

Oh how deeply unattractive, him blaming you and your child for his constant whining. Did he clarify why he stays married to someone who forces him to whinge all the time?
Circling the drain is a great term. A life of bliss and joy awaits you, OP. Forget the man and his birthday, his own relatives don't even like him 😄 there is nothing to celebrate regarding him, except the decree nisi.

After reading your update @Apple04, the phrases that caught my eye were "planning on sorting something out" and "try not to get so worked up". They are the words of someone who has already lined up their get-out clause.

He will not change.

And flowers and a card on a birthday are not OK. How does he react to the presumably more thoughtful things you do for his birthdays?

I think your way forward is a good one, op.

your h has been heaving really badly. You deserve much better.

Let’s see how long it takes for him to feel left out and to stop moaning!

Not childish at all OP. Is this really the life that you want?

I don’t really enjoy my own birthdays - but I make an effort for the people I love.

i can’t imagine being married to someone and only getting the a card for a big birthday.

Do you celebrate your loved ones birthdays? Enjoy treating them, making them feel special? Are there any adults in your life who you love?

This is such man-child bs on his part. "Didn't have time" - to do what? Go online and order you a gift? Open an app and book a hotel? He just can't be bothered.

Absolutely! I don’t advise ‘matching his energy’ by ignoring his birthday. That would just prolong the misery of living in your gloomy marriage.

Give yourself a belated present: life without Miseryguts and his tribe.

Yes, he knows it’s wrong and had the excuses ready. He’s more reflective this morning and said he thought the trip away was a nice present. Again I pointed out that I planned that and what thought had he put in?

He also said he feels quite sad that his family would never do anything like this for him and he would like to have done something similar with them but ‘they are not interested in celebrating birthdays’. So there is slight element of this is how he was raised. FIL turned 80 recently, they eventually organised a lunch at the local pub for him. We were half way there on the day when I asked DH to call ahead and check someone had got a cake. They hadn’t so I ran into M&S on the way to get one. Very depressing that’s how little effort they put in for each other.

God, he sounds hard work!

If you did nothing for his 50th, would he be pissed off, or would he feel relieved that ‘celebrating birthdays’ wasn’t something he needed to be bothered about any more.

He sounds like a miserable git. Not only didn’t he get you a present, he also ruined your birthday with your family.

I would be giving some serious thought to how you want the next chapter of your life to look op. Spending it married to this man may not be your best option.

Ditto.
what a miserable fucker - you’ll be alot happier leaving I reckon.
DO NOT DO A THING FOR HIS 50th - no maintaining moral high ground etc - that’s all
BS !!

The updates make me feel that you will still be repeating this thread on your 60th.

He is clearly punishing you because he's bitter about his own lame family not caring enough to sort anything for him or themselves. He doesn't value you enough to break that mould. He's well capable of doing so for you but he chooses not to.

He's an adult, he clearly knows it feels bad to receive no effort or care, he literally said that.. he could have found the things that are nice in life well before now and pursued them- kindness, general thoughtfulness, not blaming his child and messy house for his lack of love and effort on your birthday (that's such a leap he's made there, it's honestly staggering how he has the balls to be so deflective and shitty).

Flogging. Dead. Horse.

Your children are going to grow up with this as their benchmark for relationships @Apple04 if you continue to grit your teeth an endure this unhappily

Dump this awful selfish joy-destroyer. He won't change. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? What advice would you give a friend who confided in you saying what you've said here?

It’s also his 50th soon, is it childish to do absolutely nothing in return?

serve him divorce papers!

So he's already turning it into a pity part for himself. No one does anything for him. Did you remind him he does nothing for his family either. Didn't even think to get his own father a birthday cake.

He'll be a whining martyr about his birthday. You have all these people who do things for you and care about you. He has no one.
Remind him you get out what you put in. He doesn't make effort for other people. So people don't make effort for him.

I never ever understand the concept of being too busy to buy someone presents. I've just ordered some of DHs birthday presents while on the toilet. His birthdays in 4 weeks. There is no excuse. Birthdays are known years in advance and inevitable. You can buy someone 10 years worth of presents and stash them in your wardrobe. You can buy gifts year round and stash them in your wardrobe then take a few at birthdays and Christmas and wrap them. It doesn't need to take any extra time out of your life. So choosing not to do it is a choice, nothing more, nothing less.

I read these threads and cannot understand why people stay with partners who don’t seem to bring anything to a relationship. I’d rather live on my own in a small flat than live with this kind of joy-sucker. Personally I’m not big into birthdays or gifts, I’m a minimalist and introvert and find buying other people gifts really stressful. But my husband turns 50 in November and I’m thinking about what to do / get him already because I love him and I know it matters to him.

OP just get him a card nothing else then start your own life even if you remain in the same house. Life is too short to tolerate miserable people...

Get him a card. And spend the money you would have spent on him on a nice spa day for yourself...alone...on his birthday.