DH did nothing for my 50th

[Apple04]

Just back from my birthday weekend and just realised how sad I am yet another happy occasion has been ruined. DH moaning constantly and did absolutely nothing for me. My sister organised cake, balloon, flowers, presents. All I got from DH was a card. He’s claiming he was too busy to get anything sorted. My parents (80s) seemed very annoyed with him too. He’s from a family of moaning, miserable people but he knows I love spending time with my family who are the opposite (happy, fun). It’s made me really sad and questioning our future. He’s generally miserable at home too, moaning all the time. I’m working up to telling him if he doesn’t change I’m going to leave. It’s also his 50th soon, is it childish to do absolutely nothing in return?

I would sit him down and tell him how (disgusted?astounded?sad?/disappointed/appalled) you are that he has made no effort for your 50th. Ensure that he isn’t planning anything large. Ask him how he would feel if you only bought him a card for his 50th. Then see whether or not you decide to celebrate his birthday and what his general attitude means for your future relationship.

That is grade 1 miserable behaviour. Even if he wasn’t up to throwing a party, he could have got you a special gift.

For context, my husband bought me a very expensive ring that I had coveted and arranged for it to be from all of the family, which was lovely (expensive enough that you really wouldn’t expect one person to pay for it all.) He reserved the restaurant I selected and invited our family.

I hired a house for his 50th and invited and cooked for all his friends.

When you love someone you make an effort.

Put as much energy and effort into his birthday, as he did for yours.

No way would I be doing anything for someone who couldn’t be arsed about me!

Hell you could have this lack of care for another 30 years.. My exh ruined my 40th. He was an exh before I was 41..

No, not unreasonable at all! He will probably just moan about anything you do plan anyway!

Don’t waste another day putting in effort to someone who does nothing for you. You don’t have to live like this.

My husband and I had such a row for his lack of effort after our 25th wedding anniversary that he has been making up for it for the last 3 anniversaries since!

You won't have time to though.......will you 😉

Why do you want to spend time with this miserable fucker?

Agreed- except it could be another 50 years on this planet.
A helluva long time to spend with someone you don't like!

OP, don't waste the next 10 years of your life on him.
They don't change, they get worse.
You will be so full of regret.
Your daughter will continue to be impacted by this grumpy joy sucker.

Do nothing for his birthday.
Your family have the measure of him.

My husband forgot my big birthday and was so apologetic.
He isn't grumpy BUT he is sefish, self absorbed and has majorly take me and our long marriage for granted.
Big mistake.
which he cannot fix.
I'm choosing to fill my life with other things and am no longer available to him.
I don't want to forgive his lack of care.
He is floundering because I have always been so forgiving and low maintenance.
Not this time.

I have made absolutely no effort whatsoever for the past few months and it has been most refreshing.

My youngest is doing important exams so I am maintaining the calm status quo.

Unfortunately for him I am actually not missing him and the effort of marriage.

Do not waste another decade or two on him.
Start planning your exit.

I’d get some counselling, either with or without him. He’s going to get worse without a proper intervention, you are going to be more unhappy. If you decide it’s not what you want, you will have worked through it.

It wouldnt even occur to him that she is trying to make him see what he should of done for her by giving him a nice birthday and dont even think he will stop at all to think about it at all apart to grumble about something shes organised for him not being right from the impression I have been given of him. She will just end up looking like a mug instead for making a huge effort for him that he does not deserve

I got a birthday present off my partner the day after my birthday as he forgot on the actual day. We’ve been together over 20 years! His birthday was a few weeks after mine and I gave him his present the following day too. Men get away with too much and need a mirror putting up to them.

Get rid. Its obvious. It can only be better without him. Happy birthday xxx

I agree with this. Not every couple celebrate things in the same way. My DH and I both have big birthdays next year and a big celebration is our idea of hell!

I would like to think I’d do to others as I’d like to be treated myself, Being mean and ‘tit for tat’ just lowers you to their level. By all means don’t go all out but you don’t have to be unkind.

But this poster clearly states her husband is a kind loving man and neither of them are bothered about presents etc. Its a completely different situation to OPs.

He sounds petty. His family doesn’t do it for him so he punishes you.

I think you need to match his effort. Just a card for his birthday. If he wants anything else, he gets it, you pay for it. Like he did with you.

Please take this on board.

It will not get better. It will only deteriorate further.

You deserve better. It may be learned behaviour from his family but at some point it becomes a choice. He could do better; he could make an effort for your birthday but he chooses not to.

Think what it would feel like to not have this weight on your shoulders. To be around people who bring joy and show you how much they value you. It makes all the difference in the world!

Why is matching effort unkind?

Use the time you would have wasted on making his birthday special to sort out your life as a newly single woman. And happy birthday!

My partner and I aren’t really even birthday people and we show up for one another with cake!

I vote don’t bother (and use the same excuse) for his birthday and also take some time to think about what he does bring to your life

Agreed. I think the moaning and grumpiness would be the killer for me more so than the lack of effort.

I had this exact treatment too and 11 months later he'd been arrested (long story) and it was all permanently finished.

Your husband is/was mean.

I’ve been married to my dh for 60 years. In all that time, he’s never once sent me a card on my birthday or our anniversary or even remembered the date. If someone mentions that it’s my birthday he’ll say Happy Birthday and that’s about it. He’s not mean and will happily pay for holidays and pays the utility bills etc but never buys me or any of our children or grandchildren presents or celebrates their birthdays in any way. In his family they just didn’t. The last thing he bought me - really - were my (very nice diamond) engagement and wedding rings. That was 60 years ago. He’s ill and housebound now and we have carers to help so he’s not going to change! I love him all the same!

The moaning is the real issue, not the event, in my opinion.