I’m an Empath

[ArtfulRubyKoala]

AIBU to think that people who use the word ‘empath’ to describe themself actually tend to be incredibly self absorbed?
I have only met 2 people who have used this word to describe themselves and it was noticeable with both how much time they spent talking about themselves during the time I was with them. I also found it odd that both told me they were empaths the first time I met them.

Obviously my sample size of 2 makes this fact(!) but am interested to hear other people’s experiences.

Completely agree.

100% this is my experience too (though equally from a small sample).

Yup

Spot on.

My experience mirrors yours exactly. Maybe I am empathising 😁

These are always the sorts of drama llamas who make everyone else’s misfortune about them, so they get attention. They are grief vultures and I don’t believe they are genuinely more empathetic than the average person.

We all are to a certain extent, surely?

Even psychopaths need a degree of empathy to read people and then manipulate.

I’ve never told anyone I’m an empath. But growing up in an abusive home taught me how to detect the slightest change in people’s moods, tones and behaviours, and I now notice things that 99% of people wouldn’t even register. It’s a survival instinct. It’s not a gift, it’s a curse. It is bloody exhausting.

There's a difference between someone having empathy, and describing yourself as an 'empath'.

Someone that describes themselves as an 'empath' is someone that thinks their life is harder because they feel everyone else's emotions too much and it's sooooo difficult for them to bear - while in the meantime making the emotions that someone else is going through all about them.

Op, you are not wrong.

In my experience with a number of people who’ve referred to themselves as empaths, they are incredibly emotionally sensitive themselves, they really struggle to regulate their own emotions, they probably feel relatively normal levels empathy or in some cases much lower than typical levels but because they cannot regulate their own emotions that completely overwhelms them.

I agree we all have empathy, absolutely. And some people are more empathetic than others. I am talking about people who actively use the word ‘empath’ to describe themselves

It's not being empathetic that's the problem.

It's just a certain type of person who insists on telling everyone around them that they are "an empath".

It's like a red flag that they are in fact the opposite.

Ever seen Colin from accounts? The wonderfully awful mum is a perfect skewering of this type of person.

Absolutely Psychopaths typically excel at cognitive empathy that is they know what some one is feeling and why, they lack affective empathy where they feel what others feel.

I'm sorry for what you've been through.

I think people who have sadly been through this kind of thing call themselves negative stuff like "people pleasers" or even "doormats" (I'm definitely not saying you're a doormat, I'm saying that's what people call themselves). They don't see it as a good thing to be proud of but as you say, as a curse.

My mum had an abusive childhood and she is very much a people pleaser/"empath" with people she considers to be authority, or just men in general - and somewhat unreliable and even needy with everyone else, like me and my DH and even my DD. She'd never call herself an empath though. Edit to add - she's called herself a doormat heaps of times and read every self help book going about how to assert herself. She had the same male boss for years and could read his mood in a millisecond.

That's my understand of empaths too.

Although those types of empaths don't tend to announce it (other than on anonymous forums) so OP's experience of ones who describe themselves as such in a more open way, may well be right.

IME empaths tend to turn every sad story into all about them and their feelings 🙄

🎯
Not just averagely self-absorbed either.

The only people who’ve ever gone out of their way to tell me ‘I realised I’m an Empath’ have been astonishingly lacking in empathy or even interest in others. 🤔

I still remember my surprise when a friend declared she was the most empathetic person she knew...despite frequently showing an astonishing lack of empathy

Ime anyone describing themself as an empath is a self-centered arsehole craving constant attention. It's as though they think they have what they consider a superior trait as a personality defining characteristic. The person I know who described themself as an empath is awful with no self-awareness. This wonderful "empath" thought that bitching about me in my earshot when I asked her to do something (I was leading at an event and she had volunteered to help) was acceptable. Others have described her as a bully.

Ooh - felt good to unburden anonymously!

Haha probably a true statement as she didn't properly know how empathetic others were!

Isn’t it a made up word from Star Trek?

I am an empath but I don't know if I have ever said it out loud. I tend to pick up on people's moods and always consider other people's feelings. I try to never take sides and put other people first. It can be exhausting and often means you put yourself last.

I line managed a self-described 'empath'. She was the most self absorbed, pathologically sensitive woman I have ever met.

I’m pretty sure my son is an empath although he would never consider himself in that way. He absorbs other people’s woes and trauma to the detriment of his own mental health - i don’t know how to help him take a step back and prioritise himself. It makes him vulnerable.

any true empaths would not announce themselves as one. It is like someone bragging about how humble they are.