I’m an Empath

[ArtfulRubyKoala]

AIBU to think that people who use the word ‘empath’ to describe themself actually tend to be incredibly self absorbed?
I have only met 2 people who have used this word to describe themselves and it was noticeable with both how much time they spent talking about themselves during the time I was with them. I also found it odd that both told me they were empaths the first time I met them.

Obviously my sample size of 2 makes this fact(!) but am interested to hear other people’s experiences.

But it transgressed to people stating that nobody has more empathy than others and anyone who thinks otherwise is some whimsical self-absorbed narcissist. I pointed out that many of us have more empathy, but it’s nothing to celebrate and comes from trauma. You only have to google “empathy” to bring up loads of trauma-related articles. It was pertinent to the discussion, but a lot of people very obviously aren’t aware of the link.

There is absolutely no chance whatever that anyone on this thread has not been made aware of the link, at some length.

(Oh, and I am slightly baffled: what was the word you meant when you typed "transgressed"?)

Sorry, I meant ‘digressed’. Menopause brain fog!

ETA: I’m sorry if it’s been tiresome for you. I’ve only replied subsequently to posters who have addressed me directly.

Thank you! "transgressed" seriously bewildered me.

Not tiresome so much as futile, really. I doubt that telling people about your personal experience will convince them you are an empath, after all, when it's been made so plain that talking about oneself is not generally regarded as an empathic trait.

This is me, too. Not abusive, depressed mother & tense house.

I went to a psychologist in my late 20s, I could never understand why most people couldn’t read implied intentions, or moods, I thought it was obvious. apparently due to childhood & just who I am, I have some massive radar. I too find it wearing.

How many times? I have never once said I’m an ‘empath’ any more than I’m a ‘stubborn’ or ‘a resilient’. An ‘empath’ isn’t a thing.

I knew a woman who would readily and regularly describe herself as an Empath. A school mum who was in the same class WhatsApp group. I was very wary of her.

She was always the first to jump in to offer any help that was required. The first to offer a shoulder to cry on. The one who inserted herself into the lives of those experiencing traumatic events.

She wasn’t an Empath. She was an effing Grief Thief. Of the highest order.

She moved away when her business nose dived. And dumped all those who thought she was a wonderful friend, always there in your hour of need.

So your posts have nothing to do with the subject of the thread? OK; thanks.

I continue baffled, because if it isn't about being an empath what has a traumatic childhood got to do with empathy? Serious question: what led from people who say "I'm an empath" not being empathic in the first place to the horrible experiences you have undergone?

I’ve known a few of these self confessed empaths and grief vultures. They say they feel other people’s feelings strongly, but they never actually ask about other people’s feelings and only really talk about their own. I know one person who regularly cried over a friend’s GF who passed away years previously but he only met her once. I think they are just feeling their own feelings very strongly and can’t deal with them well.

The people I know who I think are truly empaths (kind thoughtful friends, therapists etc.) don’t describe themself like that and don’t make everything about them. I think the wrong type of therapy can sometimes make things worse - one of the people I know had therapy based on self compassion and self acceptance but didn’t really improve in any way, then she had EMDR and last time I spoke to her she didn’t seem that much like an empath anymore

Oh god yes it's so annoying! My first husband used to talk all the time about how sensitive he was, obviously only sensitive about himself not other people though 🙄.
I am genuinely an empath which no one knows as I've never said it to anyone (you all don't count as I'll never meet you in person) and no one would be likely to guess as I'm very ...not cold exactly but people might describe me as hard or closed off so yes! I totally get that!

You're not an empath, unless you are an alien from Star Trek.

There is no such thing as 'an empath'. There are people made hypervigilant due to (usually childhood) experiences and there are the other group, the egocentric attention vultures who declare their utterly cringeworthy 'status' as one, when they are about as sympathetic or empathetic as a brick.

And also, how do the self declared 'empaths' really know how anyone else thinks or feels? Answer, they don't. They can't.

What are people like police, doctors, social workers or judges who have to weigh people up, diagnose vague descriptions of symptoms, evaluate motives, decide if they’re truthful etc? Are they ‘empaths’ or just experienced people?

People misunderstand being an empath with having empathy. When someone says they’re an empath, they don’t typically mean that they believe they are a more caring and empathetic person than average. It just means you pick up on energy more easily than average. It definitely isn’t science fiction. Animals do this a lot easier than humans do, like how dogs seem to be able to “sense” when you’re sad, or when you’re excited. Some humans also have these sensations.

Personally I’ve never told anyone in real life that I have these sensations, as they would almost certainly have a negative reaction to hearing it (as most of you here have), and I would absolutely pick up on that energy and it would be unpleasant. In fact I prefer to avoid interacting with other living beings as much as possible as I don’t enjoy the sensation of “reading” them, even when they are giving off positive energy.

It just means you pick up on energy more easily than average.

How do you know this? How do you know what’s going on in other people’s minds? What evidence has lead you to conclude that you are more sensitive than other people?

They're people with empathy who are good at reading body language but sometimes get it wrong.

The "empaths" on this thread would be very poor at these jobs as they would be unable to separate their own emotions from the emotions of their patients/clients. Imagine describing symptoms of depression to your doctor and before you can finish they've already decided they know better how you feel and are experiencing the exact same emotions as you.

Imagine a police officer letting a suspect go because they sense their great sadness and are, therefore, overcome with sadness themselves.

Thank you. There seems to be some confusion, then, among ‘empaths’. Because most of the phenomenon seems to be the detection of condition, emotion and state of mind, including those for third parties, like the child’s alcoholic mum.

But it seems that empaths also claim to take on those conditions, emotions and states of mind. In which case they don’t need to detect: they would somehow just experience it all.

I’m afraid this all sounds like fanciful rubbish.

It's interesting that some people think they themselves are unusually empathetic even with strangers, but very few people can identify someone else they know to be so.

If some people are more empathetic than others, this can/ought to manifest to others eg "my aunt Grace always knows when anyone is sad, even when my friend Jane visited". But, we don't see that.

In reality, we are just empathetic with some people due to knowing them well. My DH has a poker face on all the time but the DC and I generally know how he's feeling, when even his mum can't, just because we live with him. But I couldn't guess what's up with someone else's husband, nor would I care to.

Empathy is a two-way relationship-dependent process, rather than a trait you have like asthma or being able to speak Italian.

My two dc are very close. When my 5yo has a bad day (not often), the 2.5yo will sidle up to her and say "you OK?" Sometimes even before I've noticed she's glum. And he will cry when she cries and even slightly panics if we don't manage to console her immediately. That's a kind of empathy. But he's not an Empath. He's just close to his sister and cares about her. When some other kid is crying at nursery he shrugs and carries on playing, like most of them do.

My point being there isn't an innate spectrum of empathetic. People are highly empathetic with people they know well and care about. We are less interested/observant when it's a stranger.

I've been in very difficult situations at work, and there were people who considered themselves empathetic who made the situations 100% worse.

They always took sides, with whoever they strongly strongly felt were suffering.

Except everyone else in the situation had feelings too, that they were absolutely fucking blind to!

One manager spent a lot of time coddling a woman because she was sooooooo upset. But he didn't pay attention to the fact that a) this woman had been creepy and inappropriate with a male colleague in a way that was distressing and embarrassing to him and b) he went against the HR manager that she saw as the enemy and made that woman feel undermined at work.

This happens all the time with so-called empaths. They're actually pretty fucking bad at reading emotions IMO.

My ex manager at work would only ever talk about herself. Everytime I tried to talk about something bothering me at work, she would turn the conversation around to how busy she was/how hard she worked so none of my concerns were ever addressed. I ended up being so frustrated, I resigned. Her response was 'I knew you were unhappy because I'm an empath.' So glad I left.

This happens all the time with so-called empaths. They're actually pretty fucking bad at reading emotions IMO.

"She's great in a crisis, she's always the first one to call". When I got to know this woman I could see that she would put herself into the crisis so she could watch other people's reactions and behaviour. She asked one woman what it felt like when her child was desperately ill, actually asked her "How did you know what to feel?" - she was a mother herself (whose child had to have regular stomach aches to get any attention).

After unfortunate events she would hover around people and actively try and get them to react in the same way they had during the trauma.

She was called to be given the opportunity to say goodbye to a dying family member but she couldn't possibly attend although she would pop in when she got back from her day out, if she had time.

But she's 'got the gift' 🙄😆🙄

That's body language all the way. Communication, not mystical energy.

How would a dog know you're excited? Your eyebrows are slightly raised, the cheeks are raised even if not smiling, the shape of the mouth changes, posture changes, the speed and direction of movements is different, there's a slight bounce in the head. The tone, pitch and inflection in the voice changes. Even the way you sit is different and when you speak, you are more likely to gesticulate in an open, excited manner.

Stick two self proclaimed empaths in a room with 5 generally oblivious people and one who knows it's all non verbal communication - what happens? The two either gravitate towards one another or are instantly repelled, due to seeing the other as either an ally or a threat. The one who watches all this, though - they're avoided (or more likely utterly ignored as they withdraw from all the unspoken drama they can see in front of them).

Re the child's alcoholic Mum, I'm still leaning towards my earlier guess that the PP makes a lot of quite outlandish assertions and occasionally when they turn out to be correct it seems like magic.

My own Mum does this too, she makes lots of wild predictions about people getting married, people getting serious illnesses, winning awards, changing career or even dying by suicide. She considers herself highly intuitive. 99% of the time it's bollocks, and also, as a lot of these things are long term predictions, acquaintances drift out of our lives as people do, and we never know what happens to them next. However, in a very few cases, what she's said does happen and then she says, "Didn't I say that this was going to happen! I just knew!" by which point most people have forgotten all about the million other incorrect things she predicted.

That, and the fact that if you poke and prod someone enough, you probably will uncover a problem of some sort. No-one's life is perfect but maybe you're having a good day until someone seems very invested in you not being OK and suddenly feel pressured to tell them all about your elderly relative in a care home struggling to recognise you last week and your friend leaning on you a lot through their traumatic divorce and start thinking, "Shit, Sheila from accounts seems really very sure that I'm not alright, I thought I was, but maybe I really am disguising a mental breakdown!"

I have a relative who describes themselves as an empath and a gentle soul on a profile. I kinda suspect the opposite.