I’m an Empath

[ArtfulRubyKoala]

AIBU to think that people who use the word ‘empath’ to describe themself actually tend to be incredibly self absorbed?
I have only met 2 people who have used this word to describe themselves and it was noticeable with both how much time they spent talking about themselves during the time I was with them. I also found it odd that both told me they were empaths the first time I met them.

Obviously my sample size of 2 makes this fact(!) but am interested to hear other people’s experiences.

People are saying that empaths are dramatic - crying, screaming and shouting they are here and that isn’t how I am is all I was trying to say. I don’t have dramatic reactions. Not sure that’s linked to empathy tbh. The crisis I am thinking of usually involve illness and death so no I don’t go looking for them 🙄

I actually find anyone that explains to you the positive qualities they have to be extremely suspect and cringeworthy They are often hilariously wrong too. It’s for other people to decide whether you are kind / brave etc by your behaviour you can’t make that call yourself.

Maybe I misunderstood what an empath is and just have a decent level of empathy. I don’t think it’s anything exceptional or something to shout about so maybe I have the wrong end of the stick!

I completely agree. I'm always suspicious of those who claim they are a positive trait. I used to work with a woman who used to talk regularly about how she was a nice and good person, she was neither.

What a nasty little keyboard warrior you are. I am just trying to explain that there is a different type of ‘empath’, ones that don’t revel in it or give themselves a label. A bit of understanding is never a bad thing. It usually comes from somewhere.

My alcoholic, psychotic mother used to try to take her own life about twice a month. From the age of 6 when my DF left I raised my DBs and parented my DM. My DBs and I learned from when we were tiny to keep our emotions to ourselves because if we upset our DM it would result in another suicide attempt. When I was 12 we were taken into care and DM was sectioned for the best part of the next ten years.

We learned to my DM’s moods were literally life-and-death to us. If she got upset, she could die. That becomes hard-wired and you don’t just grow out of it. You end up people-pleasing and believing that you are responsible for everyone else’s suffering. And you can spot that suffering at 20 paces.

I’ve had a lot of therapy and done lots of boundary work as an adult. I’d never label myself an “empath” because I wouldn’t want to look like a twat, and that suffering is behind me now. But I still have to consciously work on not falling into old behaviour patterns.

So how many people around you have died or are ill?

Sounds to me like you make it about yourself because in my 53 years I haven't had that many crisis - there have been expected deaths - 1 traumatic death of my first boyfriends mum and a very unexpected death of a friend of a friends daughter last year - so how often are you being calm in a crisis?

Or are you making it about you - a grief vulture?

You had a tragic upbringing, and I am very sorry for that.

I am not a keyboard warrior, believe me I would say it out loud.

You wouldn't label yourself as one, but you clearly do.

My interpretation of empath these days is "self-absorbed little princess, who can only use the words "I" and "me". Also into all things woo-woo."

There's a woman who occasionally pops up on my tiktok feed. She self-diagnosed herself with Autism, of which being an "empath" is one of her "super powers", and made her non-existent diagnosis her whole personality. She now films herself making stupid little snack boxes for herself, with microscopic portions of foods in individual containers. Like half an egg, or 3 cherry tomatoes.

That's cognitive empathy, not emotional empathy.

Oh do fuck off.

Deaths of parents one sudden, one expected but still very upsetting. Deaths of relatives I was close to. Death of my mum in law. Pets who have died. Deaths of people close to friends. Cancer diagnoses. 2 friends who tried to commit suicide (one more than once) and called me. Various medical emergencies/hospital admissions. Dealing with a parent who is violent with severe vascular dementia. Telling my son we were getting divorced and protecting him from the fallout. A couple of accidents. Not all full blown crisis of course but upsetting non the less and where it helpful to have empathy and a calm exterior even if you are panicking/devastated inside.

What do you want from me?

And some of these were about me while others were not.

Yes, op, I’ve noticed this too.

I’ve read articles and thought “that describes me to a tee” but I’d never say it out loud to anyone else irl, or talk about it with other people. There seems to be two types of people - the ones that go round making a spectacle of how empathetic they are who, empathetic or not, are just attention seekers; then there are people who are quietly empathetic/highly-sensitive. Both are being tarred with the same brush. As I have said repeatedly, as far as I’m concerned being highly-sensitive is a flaw, not something to boast about and certainly not a positive character-trait.

I think you have, yes. Nothing wrong with having empathy.

Do you not think other people have lost loved ones?

I'd be more surprised if someone hadn't experienced loss.

I think people who have talked about ‘empaths’ making situations all about them have hit the nail on the head. I had something really traumatic happen a few years ago and the self proclaimed ‘empath’ I met recently couldn’t wait to bring it up and tell me how much it had impacted them and how devastated they were when our mutual friend had told them about it it.

OMG, me too. It’s awful

@Scarlettpixie can’t win, can she? On one hand you’re saying “What’s wrong with you that you’ve suffered all these deaths. I’ve only experienced two”. So when she provides a lengthy list of bereavements she’s suffered you say “Well everyone has lost loved ones!”

Please remember that you’re talking about people’s real lives here. If you had a friend whose loved one had taken their own life would you really say “Do you not think other people have lost loved ones?” It’s extremely crass.

So you cant emphasise with a whole group of people then? But you say you're an empath? Ok then...

I’ve met a couple of ‘empaths’, nice enough people but absolutely unstoppable when it came to getting their needs met and getting people to do what they wanted.

I think it’s quite an aggressive thing to say actually.

Im a cPTSD hyper vigilant mood reader, not always that great at managing my own emotions, and would describe myself as more self-absorbed than the average person.

I think I’m an empath. It’s not a ‘flex’ as the kids say. It can be a weakness as I am sometimes not fully honest, as I am painfully aware of others’ feelings. I can be paralysed with sadness when one of my kids is sad, instead of level headed and helpful. I don’t tell people irl that I think I’m an empath, I don’t talk to anyone about how emotional I am finding their emotions. But inside I’m basically raw at least 70% of the time. It can be a pain.
However, listening to music/reading, and riding the waves of exquisite sadness and joy, is a definite upside.
I don’t really care if people think I’m a twat for posting this. I’d never divulge it to the outside world or expect attention for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Every self-described "empath" I've met has been a narcissist.

They feel any empathy at all and are so shocked they think it's a magic power.
They are so unempathetic that they haven't noticed that everyone around them has empathy too.
And they are so self-absorbed that they make other people's real trauma about them.

The people who are described by others as "empaths" are just people with weak boundaries.

There's no such thing.

Of course not.

I was simply saying that people can have empathy without screaming and shouting about it. You seemed to think that I couldn’t have been in many situations where that might have been helpful. I disagree.

How is this not the usual, run of the mill, empathy for your children? It's the reason why phrases like, 'You're only as happy as your most miserable child', exist.