AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

Yep. Just you.

So is your partner banned from doing that then or would they be if they wanted to hypothetically? I don’t care if you say they wouldn’t want to, I mean if they did would you say that’s not allowed? Because that standard is totally controlling.

My DP has had the odd night away for his hobby, or weekend. I’ve had 4 solo nights away in 6 years to stay in air b&b apartments to chill and have a lovely time alone.

When my dcs were that age I hadn't spent a night away from them either. The only person I would have wanted to spend the evening with was DH, so there would be no point having him put the dcs to bed. I enjoyed having evenings at home with the dcs and putting them to bed, so I never really sought out a babysitter, and I don't like the idea of a stranger looking after my dcs in my home. I didn't feel I missed out much, I would do meals out, theatre and cinema trips during the day when they were in regular childcare.

My eldest started having sleepovers with PILs at age 4, but we still had the youngest at home as I was still bfing and liked to put her to bed and be there for her if she woke. We had the first night away from both of them a few months ago, when the youngest was 3.

So I can see there are a lot of don’t martyr yourself type comments and I’m not doing so intentionally. But I have to be honest and say I really don’t think DH would cope. He’d be OK with the five year old; probably a later and more chaotic bedtime than ideal but OK as a one off but he just wouldn’t wake for the two year old and even if he did, she would get very distressed without me and be impossible to settle and then that would wake the five year old.

Obviously a hospital stay or if I died would be different as they’d have to adapt to a new normal but a night away just for the sake of it just wouldn’t be fair on the children.

I am very jealous that colleague can just leave their baby with her husband and that’s it, no need for anything else. I did think that this would be the case with DH too and then the reality of children happened! But as I’ve said, I can now leave said five year old with him; it may be that in a year or two I can have a night away.

I haven’t had MANY nights away from the kids. A few but not tons

DC1 was 9 months went to a wedding
DC1 was 2 yo and dh took him away for 2 nights while I was pregnant

DC1 with husband while I was giving birth 3 nights
DC1 at grandparents for 1 night while we went to a party/hotel. Baby was with us.

DC2 and DC1 with dad while I gave birth to DC3

so that’s not tons and I wouldn’t want more. So I understand mums that want to be with their kids every night. It’s natural instinct

My eldest is 13, and the only time I've been away from my children overnight is when I've been in the hospital. The older ones have stayed at friends and school trips though. I just prefer going away with them, rather than without them. If you want to go, I'm sure your DH will manage perfectly well and your children will be absolutely fine but if you don't actually want to go there is no issue with that either.

These threads are always tough, and a good example of how we are all different.

mine are 7.5 X two
5
4

other than school, never left them.

DH. That’s an interesting one.

let’s say I was needed away for one of them, he would be fine.

However, would I chose to leave them, not a chance. Would I judge others who do? Nope.

Its such a personal thing, walk in my shoes, experience my grief (which I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy) compared to others, doesn’t make for an equal outcome.

as long as you are comfortable in your choices and the children are happy and loved, who cares what others choices are?

OP I didn't think you were judging her, I felt the envy! 😂

I BFed both mine to sleep until they were well over 18m and we co slept , it's not for everyone so I get why a lot of women (and men) wouldn't choose that.

But it worked for us.
My take is don't worry about what anyone else is doing, different children have different personalities and behaviours and would would suit one family wouldn't suit another. Don't compare.

If your current set up doesn't work for you, think if there are ways you can change things or adjust a bit so that one day you will be able to enjoy an evening away if you want to.

But as I’ve said, I can now leave said five year old with him; it may be that in a year or two I can have a night away.

I honestly don't know how you can possibly feel affection or attraction towards someone who couldn't adequately look after his own children until they were basically old enough to look after themselves.

Your bar seems so low.

Thinking about it it isn’t the night I am too fussed about, it’s the next morning.

Waking up when I want rather than when I hear ‘mummy … I want mummy!’ Staying in bed until I want to get up. Leisurely shower. Browse my phone, read, watch a film …

I had nights away when my first one was about 6m, mum looked after her while dh and I went away for a wedding for 2 nights.
have done similar when subsequent ones came along but left then with dh. He’s a competent and capable man, perfectly able to look after his own children and manage the house.
What suits me doesn’t necessarily suit you but I always enjoyed a bit of freedom from time to time and I also found it good for the dc to be used to spending time with just dad so we didn't end up in the situation where they’d be clingy to me and not settle for him in the night, I was their primary carer during the day as dh worked and I was a SAHM.

Very sorry x

No you are not alone. I have had 4 nights away from my now teens and that's because I was in hospital 😅. But ds2 is very social and has had plenty of sleepovers at friends houses. Ds1 is autistic so it's very hard to leave him with someone since he has medication to take and you need to know how to deal with him. I will leave dh with him for a week-end soon and I am already nervous about him forgetting medication or not being able to calm him.. but I want to see my newborn niece so they have to cope without me.

Surely he can take over in the morning on a weekend at home, so you can get that?

It’s a difficult and sometimes frustrating one. Some of it isn’t DHs fault; overnight, DD wants me and only me (and first thing in the morning too, annoyingly enough) and gets very upset if DH tries to go into her. Yes, maybe we could force the issue but in practice that would look like … me prodding and poking DH awake, DH limping and groaning to DDs room and taking ages and DD getting more and more worked up; DD then hysterical because it’s not me and shouting for mummy, eventually DS wakes up, after hours everyone goes back to sleep and are grumpy the next day with hardly any rest (including me …) OR I go into her and settle her in a minute or two and go back to sleep; everyone else oblivious.

so that isn’t DHs fault. It did surprise me the extent though that babies and toddlers seem to need their mother overnight, even older children. As in the day DS has a daddy preference but at night if he wakes (which is barely ever) it’s me he comes to.

This is really really sad op.

you’re quite passive about it, but this seems entirely your husband’s fault that you don’t get to do something just for a few hours that you would love because he isn’t capable.

im not really understanding how you can be attracted to him?

I don't know about you but I wasn't born knowing exactly how to cope with having a child, let alone two. I had to learn, and I learned by having to do it. You've done it and you've learned. I've done it and I've learned. By the sounds of it, your DH hasn't had to do it because you've been there to do it for him and so he hasn't had to learn. The only way he will learn how to do it is by having to do it. And the only way that will happen is to let go and let him do it.

Yes, he'll make mistakes, just like I made mistakes, and I'm sure just like you also made mistakes. It's making mistakes and learning from them that helps us to get better.

Does it? That’s not the impression I wanted to give, I’m never happier than when I’m with my children.

Or option C- DH sleeps on the floor in her room for that night, so he absolutely will wake up and can parent his own child.

Yes... two people choose to be parents.
So there's no reason why one parent can't hold the fort for one night.

I had six months off on mat leave with each of my kids and then went back to work. My work involves between 1 and 4 nights away each week. In a rare week I won’t be away overnight. My Dh works full time but generally travels a lot less. We work as a team as far as house and kids go 🤷‍♀️

I’ve not had a ‘fun’ overnight since DD was born and she’s nearly 3. Have had a couple of hospital stays which weren’t my choice and I’m in no rush to be away from her. OTOH a friend who has a 3 month old has had 4 overnights away. Everyone does things differently

Yes, a couple when I was in hospital undergoing cancer treatment. Does that make sense?

That's not normal.

well, I have explained in more detail above … I mean, it isn’t exactly his fault that DD can’t stand him overnight / first thing in the morning (I have some sympathy with that one!)

As with all things there are seasons. DD is going to be going to preschool from September and will be doing three days; I work two, so I’ll have a day to myself which will increase to two days to myself once she starts reception. I’ll have short working days, time to myself for exercise, reading, mundane things like cleaning but also time for me as well (maybe even a nap.) At the moment though it is very much on my shoulders but having done the brunt work I think I’ve earned a day or two to myself!