Page 6 | AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 01/05/2026 21:20

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 20:45

So I can see there are a lot of don’t martyr yourself type comments and I’m not doing so intentionally. But I have to be honest and say I really don’t think DH would cope. He’d be OK with the five year old; probably a later and more chaotic bedtime than ideal but OK as a one off but he just wouldn’t wake for the two year old and even if he did, she would get very distressed without me and be impossible to settle and then that would wake the five year old.

Obviously a hospital stay or if I died would be different as they’d have to adapt to a new normal but a night away just for the sake of it just wouldn’t be fair on the children.

I am very jealous that colleague can just leave their baby with her husband and that’s it, no need for anything else. I did think that this would be the case with DH too and then the reality of children happened! But as I’ve said, I can now leave said five year old with him; it may be that in a year or two I can have a night away.

This is tragic. Sorry OP but read this back. He needs to be able to cope - why are you enabling this behaviour? I think you’ll actually find that he will cope absolutely fine - and even if he doesn’t they’ll not actually come to any harm other than be a bit tired will they - what actually do you think will happen?

FlyingApple · 01/05/2026 21:22

I never had a night away from mine, never wanted to.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 01/05/2026 21:23

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:07

@Roads i am sure it would be possible in the sense that I could do it, it’s just that honestly it would be pretty miserable for both children and for DH. To add to the problem, he’s also done himself an injury of some sort and is in a lot of pain (it’s been ongoing for a few months) so I guess I feel like now isn’t the time to be making a stand. Obviously that’s a bit of a drip feed but in fairness I didn’t exactly start the thread with a view to having a night away any time soon, I was just idly interested in others’ lives!

Do you really think so little of the man you married that you don't think he'd be able to cope with 24 hours of looking after his own children?

drunkelephant83 · 01/05/2026 21:27

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 20:45

So I can see there are a lot of don’t martyr yourself type comments and I’m not doing so intentionally. But I have to be honest and say I really don’t think DH would cope. He’d be OK with the five year old; probably a later and more chaotic bedtime than ideal but OK as a one off but he just wouldn’t wake for the two year old and even if he did, she would get very distressed without me and be impossible to settle and then that would wake the five year old.

Obviously a hospital stay or if I died would be different as they’d have to adapt to a new normal but a night away just for the sake of it just wouldn’t be fair on the children.

I am very jealous that colleague can just leave their baby with her husband and that’s it, no need for anything else. I did think that this would be the case with DH too and then the reality of children happened! But as I’ve said, I can now leave said five year old with him; it may be that in a year or two I can have a night away.

You can just leave your kids also, everyone starts somewhere, you’ve just not given him the chance.

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:27

Cocktailsandcheese · 01/05/2026 21:09

It's such a personal thing and there's no right or wrong. Lots of women being very judgemental on this thread towards those who have never been away, but there is no "normal", it's whatever works for you and your family.

A lot of what you have said reasonates with me OP, I have never felt able to have a night away because my youngest always wants me overnight, but that doesn't really bother me because I've never wanted a night away anyway so it's all good.

Thanks. I don’t honestly feel we have a bad life or that I do. I do a lot at the moment but that’s for the really intense phase of three and under and I’m very nearly there in terms of not having such young children. DD turns three this August so starts school next September so basically have the next, what, sixteen months or so? And I think most children’s sleep seems to settle a bit after three anyway (obviously you’ll always get bad nights due to illness etc.)

In just a few months the tables will turn and I’ll have far more free time and flexibility than DH does, but right now I don’t and all the posts claiming I’m ’fucking tragic’ (nice ) aren’t going to change that!

OP posts:

Roads · 01/05/2026 21:27

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 01/05/2026 21:23

Do you really think so little of the man you married that you don't think he'd be able to cope with 24 hours of looking after his own children?

Show quote history

It's a lot of excuses isn't it. I'm sure if the OP injured herself she would still have to do all the bedtimes and wakings.

In 5 years it's worrying that he's done no bedtimes or night wakes. It's not a case of them having a preference for their mum it's a case of them having a preference for the parent who cares for them.

drunkelephant83 · 01/05/2026 21:29

Also what would you do if you left your husband or he left you? You’d have to both get on with and get over it!

IceStationZebra · 01/05/2026 21:31

Shmurtle · 01/05/2026 21:18

Mine are 6 and 3 and I've never had a night away. But I've never understood why "nights away" are such a big deal for adults. I loved a sleepover when I was a child, but as an adult, unless I'm away on a proper holiday, I want to be in my own comfy bed!
DH and I both have nights out, together or separately. And we've been on family holidays in the UK and abroad, but the faff of going to another city for one night of crap sleep in a strange bed just doesn't appeal to me. Even before having kids I never really saw the point.
But for some people that's the dream! Each to their own!

I think most people are going away for a reason, not just randomly staying away for no reason?

I’m in between as DS’s dad is competent and I go away regularly both for work and with friends, but I do feel a bit wistful when I am away for a night. It’s fleeting though.

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 01/05/2026 21:35

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:27

Thanks. I don’t honestly feel we have a bad life or that I do. I do a lot at the moment but that’s for the really intense phase of three and under and I’m very nearly there in terms of not having such young children. DD turns three this August so starts school next September so basically have the next, what, sixteen months or so? And I think most children’s sleep seems to settle a bit after three anyway (obviously you’ll always get bad nights due to illness etc.)

In just a few months the tables will turn and I’ll have far more free time and flexibility than DH does, but right now I don’t and all the posts claiming I’m ’fucking tragic’ (nice ) aren’t going to change that!

Show quote history

I don’t think I read anywhere where anyone called you “fucking tragic” actually. Someone said the situation was “fucking dismal” which is a valid opinion given your posts. I said that your situation sounded tragic - again, valid.
You say you were jealous of your work pal for being able to leave their children.
All of these posters have told you that you can leave your children for an overnight jolly if you want to.
Not sure what you want from this thread?

Cositseleventhirtyandtheclubisjumpinjumpin · 01/05/2026 21:35

I still haven’t and Dd is 7

Shmurtle · 01/05/2026 21:38

I do think some people have never encountered a young child that just will.not.settle for anyone but their mum. When DS was 14 months I went back to work doing 2 long hospital shifts a week, so I was out of the house from 6.30am until 10pm while DH looked after DS. DH is very capable and hands-on, and had been since DS was born, he's always had a really lovely gentle relationship with the kids, he could put DS down for a nap no problem, but there was nothing - no bottle of milk, no rocking, no patting, no books, no sitting silently in a dark room, no white noise, no late night walk in the pram - that would persuade DS to fall asleep before I got home. I'd get in at 10pm and he would be sitting awake in bed fighting his absolute hardest to stay awake, I'd pick him up and he'd be asleep in 5 minutes. After I'd been back at work for about 8 months, DH finally texted me a photo one night around 9pm as I was leaving the hospital of the two of them snuggled up in bed together... with DS asleep!
But it took 8 months of trying, and it was nothing to do with DH's competence or willingness; it was just that DS is (still!) a stubborn little bugger. If I'd wanted a night away, I have every confidence he would have sat awake until about midnight when he finally fell asleep put of sheer exhaustion, and there isn't really any night out that would have been worth putting him through that.

diddl · 01/05/2026 21:39

I hadn't had a night away by those ages either as I hadn't wanted one.

To be fair my husband hadn't either.

He was quite capable of waking up for the kids though.

usedtobeaylis · 01/05/2026 21:39

It sounds like a bit of a self-perpetuated vicious circle. The more your kids are with their dad, the more they will get used to it. The less you facilitate it, the less they will get used to it.

It's totally your choice and if you're fine with it, fine. If you're not, change it.

PfizerFan · 01/05/2026 21:40

I have a two year old (nearly three) and I've had plenty of nights away. Luckily my husband isn't useless!

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:41

Shmurtle · 01/05/2026 21:38

I do think some people have never encountered a young child that just will.not.settle for anyone but their mum. When DS was 14 months I went back to work doing 2 long hospital shifts a week, so I was out of the house from 6.30am until 10pm while DH looked after DS. DH is very capable and hands-on, and had been since DS was born, he's always had a really lovely gentle relationship with the kids, he could put DS down for a nap no problem, but there was nothing - no bottle of milk, no rocking, no patting, no books, no sitting silently in a dark room, no white noise, no late night walk in the pram - that would persuade DS to fall asleep before I got home. I'd get in at 10pm and he would be sitting awake in bed fighting his absolute hardest to stay awake, I'd pick him up and he'd be asleep in 5 minutes. After I'd been back at work for about 8 months, DH finally texted me a photo one night around 9pm as I was leaving the hospital of the two of them snuggled up in bed together... with DS asleep!
But it took 8 months of trying, and it was nothing to do with DH's competence or willingness; it was just that DS is (still!) a stubborn little bugger. If I'd wanted a night away, I have every confidence he would have sat awake until about midnight when he finally fell asleep put of sheer exhaustion, and there isn't really any night out that would have been worth putting him through that.

Edited

Thanks for sharing this. Some of the comments are pretty unpleasant.

OP posts:

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 01/05/2026 21:44

Do you want to have a night away OP?

DuskOPorter · 01/05/2026 21:45

Shmurtle · 01/05/2026 21:38

I do think some people have never encountered a young child that just will.not.settle for anyone but their mum. When DS was 14 months I went back to work doing 2 long hospital shifts a week, so I was out of the house from 6.30am until 10pm while DH looked after DS. DH is very capable and hands-on, and had been since DS was born, he's always had a really lovely gentle relationship with the kids, he could put DS down for a nap no problem, but there was nothing - no bottle of milk, no rocking, no patting, no books, no sitting silently in a dark room, no white noise, no late night walk in the pram - that would persuade DS to fall asleep before I got home. I'd get in at 10pm and he would be sitting awake in bed fighting his absolute hardest to stay awake, I'd pick him up and he'd be asleep in 5 minutes. After I'd been back at work for about 8 months, DH finally texted me a photo one night around 9pm as I was leaving the hospital of the two of them snuggled up in bed together... with DS asleep!
But it took 8 months of trying, and it was nothing to do with DH's competence or willingness; it was just that DS is (still!) a stubborn little bugger. If I'd wanted a night away, I have every confidence he would have sat awake until about midnight when he finally fell asleep put of sheer exhaustion, and there isn't really any night out that would have been worth putting him through that.

Edited

Nah I get it. I night weaned a similar as it turned out autistic DS aged 2 ish.

He and his Dad co slept and duked it out until they reached a man to boy understanding.

However that didn’t mean I didn’t leave them to it then and whenever else that was a feature of normal family life.

DS is 14, still autistic and still his every whim is not catered to.

DarkForces · 01/05/2026 21:45

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:41

Thanks for sharing this. Some of the comments are pretty unpleasant.

Show quote history

Honestly, take no notice. If taking some space for yourself is something you'll enjoy and you're leaving them with someone safe then do it. Some people love to trample others but being happy in yourself is the biggest gift you can give your children

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 01/05/2026 21:46

If someone wants to feed their babies to sleep they're not choosing to make themselves indispensable because they're martyring themselves and hoping their babies or partners will never cope without them...

Some people also have fussy babies, someone women choose to breast feed, co sleep, perhaps these line up and maybe BFed babies are more needy, I don't know, but to suggest these women are manipulative or will be empty once their babies have left home is a bit shitty.

My babies used to cry so hard they would be sick if we tried to sleep train them.
We tried. We did it multiple times to see if they'd got better at it, I personally couldn't bear their cries and I can only assume other people's babies were not so sensitive/reactive as mine.
That's fine.

I'm not judging you judgey bastards 😂

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:47

DarkForces · 01/05/2026 21:45

Honestly, take no notice. If taking some space for yourself is something you'll enjoy and you're leaving them with someone safe then do it. Some people love to trample others but being happy in yourself is the biggest gift you can give your children

Show quote history

Thanks. Truthfully I can see the long view here. Yes, at the moment I have very little time to myself and (largely due to DH not being in full health) very little freedom but soon that will change and it will continue to change as they get older.

OP posts:

BeeDavis · 01/05/2026 21:48

YourShyLion · 01/05/2026 20:07

I have never left mine overnight and never would. People choose to be parents, it's not part time.

Piss off 😂😂

DarkForces · 01/05/2026 21:50

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 21:47

Thanks. Truthfully I can see the long view here. Yes, at the moment I have very little time to myself and (largely due to DH not being in full health) very little freedom but soon that will change and it will continue to change as they get older.

Show quote history

One thing I promise is that if you take 1 night out even if dh isn't perfect at 2&5 years old it'll be fine. It's ok to sometimes listen to your needs too

Shmurtle · 01/05/2026 21:52

DuskOPorter · 01/05/2026 21:45

Nah I get it. I night weaned a similar as it turned out autistic DS aged 2 ish.

He and his Dad co slept and duked it out until they reached a man to boy understanding.

However that didn’t mean I didn’t leave them to it then and whenever else that was a feature of normal family life.

DS is 14, still autistic and still his every whim is not catered to.

Show quote history

Well, quite. But not everyone's "normal family life" involves regular nights away. Mine never has, pre- or post-children.
I did "leave them to it" inasmuch as I needed to work those hours.
But choosing not to leave my infant awake until the early hours so I can have fun with my friends isn't "catering to his every whim"; it's providing the most basic level of care.

Rocknrollstar · 01/05/2026 21:54

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 19:28

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

It’s not just about you. It’s about getting the DC used to sleeping when you are not there. So they will be gradually become independent and also so you can leave them in an emergency if you have to

tofumad · 01/05/2026 21:56

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 01/05/2026 19:46

I didn't want a night away from from my DS so it wasn't an issue for me. My first DS died at 3 weeks so I was exceptionally not wanting to be separated from my second DS when he was tiny even though I knew my H could cope and be a loving and responsible Dad.
It all depends on how you feel OP.

I'm really very sorry for your loss. Such a tragedy.