AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

I will say though, that if your husband is otherwise competent but it’s just that you child prefers you, they’ll probably be absolutely fine if you’re not there as the child will realise they have to “make do” with dad.

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous. Honestly, Mumsnet handwringing at its finest with stupid, hyperbolic replies like this.
Not that I have to justify myself to you, but my children are first and centre in my world. I’m a lone mother who has never even introduced them to another man. I work incredibly hard and everything I do is for them. We have a secure and loving bond.
But very occasionally, I might feel the need to get away for a night or two. Do my own thing, enjoy the peace, see friends and family or just be alone. I find it surprising that some women - especially those with older children - are not interested in doing this. Their lives must be so tightly enmeshed, and I believe that they won’t be doing their children any favours when it comes to school camp, etc. Fortunately my close friends feel similarly, otherwise life would at times be fairly dull! Still, we’re all different.

I've been away a lot (for work and for personal trips). The first one was nerve racking because I thought my husband would also not cope. Well, I was proven wrong. It was the first night she ever slept through 🤦 And I could see the monitor from my phone so he wasn't lying. This was when I was still breast feeding so I think she knew the boob wasn't there so just went back to sleep! But since then, my daughter has always been great when I'm away. She barely noticed I'm gone. She will say occasionally that she misses me but it is fleeting. She's very resilient to the point my husband took her to his families for two weeks just before her third birthday because they speak another language so I try to not go with her anymore so she is immersed. She was happy as anything and I got lots of stuff done that I wouldn't normally have time for. She's 3 and has done three trips away without me now, and probably spent maybe ten other nights away from me since about 10 months old.

I agree. Your choice. I think some people enjoy this 'everything would fall apart without me' scenario. But it probably wouldn't which is why they are reluctant to put it to the test.

No right or wrong as long as you’re not judging those who make different choices from you. Plenty of mums happily take a break or need to leave kids with their dad for work conferences etc.

I’d suggest there can’t be much to someone who spends their every waking moment glued to their child’s side, personally. Parents are allowed to be people as well and have interests aside from being parents.

Can't trust or Won't trust?

Either 🤷‍♀️
But either way its sad.
If you cant trust your DH or DP to look after your children, why have children with them?!

Baffles me.
Plus its good for children to learn to rely on people other than their mum. And to see their mum having some independence/life of her own

As long as you’re not judging your colleague for doing what suits her, you do you. Personally I hope I am ready to leave my child before they’re 5 cos I need a full nights sleep 😂

I'm surprised no one hasn't told you to leave your husband yet. All these perfect men who take care of their children while the wife goes away.

I don’t think that’s perfect just basic parenting the same as I do when he goes away

It's really sad that you are sarcastically describing being a man who can temporarily look after his own child as "perfect"

@Momtotwokids

hardly perfect, hun…more like the bare minimum. Raise your bar!!

'Perfect'? For a man to be capable of doing a bit of parenting of his own kids?

Well the OPs husband has never had the opportunity.

When has he had a chance to do things with his kids without her always there? Possibly judging and jumping in as well

You're not being unreasonable but if you want to go away then you should be able to trust your husband to parent effectively. Especially after 5 year. If you don't want to go away its not really an issue.

Every family is different, we all agree on that surely? Is it a matter of trust? Not wanting to miss a set of breastfeeding? Personal choice?

It's all a point of view, and as long as OP is happy with her choice that's fine for her. No one else. Other DM do different, there is no wrong or right here.

Totally get it. I couldn't understand how other mums could and I wasn't able to. My ex never got up in the night to our DD and if he did, like you've said, it was chaos, I'd end up getting up to settle her anyway as he couldn't and we'd all be up for ages, with us eventually arguing as we would both be tired and stressed. He didn't particularly help in the daytime either so it was never an option for me. It's only possible for me to leave her overnight with him now because he's had to move back in with parents so I know there's someone there to help.

I didn’t have an overnighter in years as we had no childcare and I didn’t have that sort of relationship with friends. Breastfed kids to age 2 so always did the night shifts. DH would often wake to keep me company, but kids were clingy and only wanted me at night. If I’d had the chance, I’d have been nervous about doing an overnight social during that time, not because of DH’s coping skills, but because I’d have struggled to relax and enjoy it knowing there would be misery at home.

Then I had to go into hospital for weeks when DS was still breastfeeding and waking at night. It was a shit show for the first few nights by all accounts, but they all survived, and I reckon DS and DH ended up with a closer bond off the back of it. It was good for them in the long run. Not an essential by any means, but if it’s something you otherwise want and have the opportunity to do, then think about the big picture rather than the potential blow by blow events of the night. If your DH is as good a dad as you say he is, he’ll be fine and will get a lot out of it in his growth as a father.

Yanbu
I know parents who have dc 2 and 6 and they have gone abroad twice without their kids. Grandparents babysat. I just thought what rubbish parents☹️. Why bother having children is you go away without them. Part of the fun of having children is to go on holiday with them.

You know you can do both - holidays as a family and a trip away as a couple?

Why bother having children if you sleep in a different room to them? You should stay up late so you can look at them. Try not to blink. Don't send them to school, Why bother having children just to get rid of them in the day? You shouldn't let them have friends or go to clubs. Why bother having children if you're not with them constantly? There's no need for them to experience other things or develop other relationships. Why bother having them if they're not 100% reliant on you and never leave your sight? You must both quit your jobs. Why bother having children if you're going to go to work and not stay at home with them? You should not spend time alone with your partner. You are just a parent now, not a friend or a spouse. Why bother having children if you don't want to abandon all aspects of your former personality?

Not the same thing at all. Going out with friends or a spouse is quite different from leaving kids while you go on holiday.

You obviously didn't get the sarcasm

It is basically the same thing though isn't it. Leaving your children on two occasions in six years is hardly a sign that you shouldn't have bothered having them is it? Pretty stupid to pretend that means you cba with them or that you're a bad parent. Insanely judgemental to suggest that. There's loads of good, fun, and necessary reasons to leave children (with loving grandparents as well!). Don't be a martyr or pass your separation anxiety onto your kids.