AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

Its sad you cant trust your husband to meet the needs of your kids 😕

If you're the poster I think you are, I suspect your comments on this thread are intended satirically?

Jesus. Ours are 4 and 2 and they haven't slept out away from us, but I've definitely been away. Hen dos/ girls trips etc. Husband has done the same. It's sad that you don't trust your husband to look after them. Has he had any nights off?

Some of us had children in a situation where there were 2 capable parents. Lucky us

Is it more you haven’t had a chance to go away or you don’t trust your DH?

I regularly go away with work and so does DH, mine are 4 and 5. We’re both capable parents who can solo parent

Wow that was judgy. I agree with you, I’m lucky both of us are capable of parenting our kids by ourselves with no support network. Calling is part time parents because we have to work? Wow…

I mean you do chose to be a parent, true. Interested in this part time comment though - are you (meaning both parents) literally everywhere your child/ren is/are at all times?!
Also, to say you would never stay away from them is quite a statement. Do you just mean for the purposes of being on holiday? Or do you mean you can't conceive of ever being them away from them overnight for any reason?

As a mum of 3 I would say if your not sure if your dh can cope let him learn to. He is a grown man who made a decision to become a parent and part of that decision involving caring for those kids including solo. My oldest is disabled, middle child has significant health issues and my youngest is only 3 but dh copes on the very odd occasion I have a night away. They are rare nights away but essential to my mental health. Its okay to take time out, its okay to let your dh cope and its important your children settle for both of you as it may come a time something happens they need to.

Many single parents would kill to have the opportunity to spend some chosen time away. Take advantage of it. Personally I think it sets up a weird dynamic for either parent to not spend a bit of time away, and especially not to trust that the other parent can cope. Of course they can.

More fool you then. Do you want a gold star for your martyrdom?

I’ve had loads of nights away, as has my DH.
i was never going to model martyrdom to my children. Plus their father is a fully functioning human who can care for his own children.

I’ve 100% left my child overnight with his dad. He is 3. I’ve left him for many reasons, girls trips, work but mostly because he’s his dad. We had the baby together. We are partners in life. We do share childcare. I know it’s not the same for everyone so if you think your DH wouldn’t wake up etc then your approach is reasonable. I wouldn’t have chosen to have a child with someone who wouldn’t do an equal amount of childcare. We are both in paid full time employment. Which I know makes a difference potentially.

So what she’s just going to dictate your entire life to you?

There’s a lot my child doesn’t want that she has to do because I’m the parent and she’s the child. You aren’t helping her or your husband. He sounds incompetent and it’s entirely of your own making. Make him get up with her.

First lesson of parenting…never compare your life with anyone else.

I did my first night away when eldest was 6 years old. Even when I gave birth to my second, it was luckily a ‘text book’ birth and didn’t need to be away from my eldest or stay in. My in laws looked after him in he day and brought him back home when we were home.

With parenting, everyone feels totally different, don’t compare anything with anyone else. Kids are older now and I usually have one weekend away a year and that’s enough for me. Alot of my friends have several weekends away a year, but I prefer being home as a family (and weekends away/holidays as a family).

DH is a brilliant dad, so very much comes from me that i’d rather not be away. I do think all parents should feel equal though and no Mum should feel they can’t go away if they want to. If Dad can’t cope with one weekend away, that does need to change.

I first went away for the night when I ended up in hospital. DD was 3. Was a bit traumatic all round but everyone lived.

I dont know if you meant to quote me but I wasn't the one calling us part time parents.

Sorry, I’m not a frequent poster. Probably should’ve made it clearer. I agree with you. The other poster was horribly judgy

It's not just you, I have a 5 (6 in September) and a 2 year old (2 in January) and I have never had a night away from either of them. My husband does sleep heavier than me, it was always me that woke when they did, our circumstances changed last September and I had to go to the office, not work from home, which meant I leave home at 4.30 now so my husband had to wake up but I put the monitor on full volume before I leave to help.

He has a long service dinner for work in November it's 3hrs away, I would love to go but not sure if the kids will be okay with nan and grandad for a night, the oldest will be fine it's the youngest I worry about as she wakes although then only wants me, not even dad, hoping she will have stopped that by then though. And she has to hold hands to go to sleep too, we will Def have to do a trial run as I don't fancy driving back from Wales at 9pm mid dinner 🤦🏼‍♀️

I breastfed both children until 3+. I still went away at night. Sometimes with DH and sometimes by myself/with friends (once for 4 nights and once for 5 nights). After 1 they can and do cope without a feed at night, even if they aren't sleeping through.

I think setting up persistent separation anxiety in your children is a pretty poor parenting choice, personally. It is good for them to learn they can be away from you and be fine and that you will come back.

I could count on one hand the number of times DH and I have been away TOGETHER and left the kids, and the youngest is 14. But yes he's been away on his own (mostly with work, sometimes with his brothers) and I've been away overnight or for a wkd multiple times with friends. He's their parent too, he can look after them to give me a break and vice versa. Although, and I'm sure I'll get stick for this, we personally would never go away on holiday without the kids, the times we have been away overnight together were for our wedding night, a friend's wedding and for a work Xmas do. It's what you're comfortable with but I don't think there's anything wrong with doing it.

I think there are a lot of different types of parents. I personally have worked very hard since having my dc to keep my identities as a mother, partner, friend, daughter, employee and student. I think this set a good example to my kids who are now teens. You don’t have to give up your identity when you become a mother, and you have to work hard to make sure that it doesn’t become your only identity. If you haven’t got trustworthy people around you to care for your kids I can see why that might be hard, but I made sure to have kids with someone that would be an equal partner when it came to parenting. Book your night away op, check in as much as you feel you need to. Your confidence in your partner will hopefully grow and you will have less anxiety around leaving your dc.

You can choose to be a parent without martyring yourself 🙄 part of being a parent is having time to yourself to recharge so you can be the best parent you can be and also not lose who you are! If you don't need that, whoopee for you, but to act like having time away from your kids makes you a bad parent is ridiculous. Looking down on other people for their perfectly reasonable parenting choices makes you look bad though 🤷‍♀️

Is it that different?

My DH never wakes when DS shuts because he doesn't have to. I could fret about it but actually, I know he would wake up if I want there because he'd actually be listening it for him or make special provision e.g using the monitor next to the bed.

DS only wants me if he wakes simply because I'm the only one who has ever been up with him due to breastfeeding. He sleeps through the night most nights now but if he did wake (he suffers with nightmares fairly regularly) it's me he would look for. I would worry about that if I went away - not because I don't trust DH but because I worry it would be distressing for everyone. DH can comfort DS perfectly well at all other times. He's a wonderful father. But at 1am when everyone is only half awake it's a very different story. I've explained it in depth but I could easily say "I'm not sure DH would manage at night as DS can be a bit funny at night time".

And as in said, I don't feel I particularly want it need time away. I'm not being a martyr as many on this thread seen to think - I'm simply perfectly content at home with my husband and child/ren. I'm not sure why that's such an alien concept on a forum aimed at mothers.

No, she's blatantly said he wouldn't wake up and she doesn't trust him. And also that he won't even let her have a lie in of a morning. One of her kids is 5 I think... thats a long time!

Like I said, I also do majority bedtimes, every bedtime up until 23 months which was very recently. I'm not talking about willingly looking after her own kids and preferring to stay home... I've specifically said that's not an issue. But there's a huge issue if you can't trust your husband to take the kids downstairs one morning? That's a huge issue.