AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

I don’t think it’s just you, I think many women are in the same boat but I don’t think it’s healthy or admirable that you don’t feel you could leave your children in the care of their other parent, for one or more nights, no, it’s very, very bleak, and your colleague is undoubtedly in the healthier situation. In short, your disapproval/disbelief a mother could possibly spend a night or so away from her kids while their other parent parents them is unreasonable.

Yes you’re being reasonable for martyring yourself off to motherhood.

You’re insulting your DH by suggesting that he wouldn’t be able to cope. Of course he would. He’s a grown man who presumable holds down a reasonably responsible job. It might be a bit hairy the first night but it will be fine - and you’ll never know if you don’t let him. They might have a whale of a time without you if he’s as great as you say.

YABU to imply that she’s wrong to have time away just because your partner isn’t in your opinion capable of managing with you.

This is very different to the OP saying her husband is basically incapable though.

I'm similar to you. I breastfed til my son was 23 months, he naturally weaned himself and I had my first night away about 6 weeks later and my DH was absolutely fine for the 48 hours I was gone. If he was still BF I wouldn't have left but I took the opportunity before baby no2 arrives shortly.

Whether people want to go away or don't want to go away is each person's perogative. It won't be right for everyone, but others will go away lots of they have good support.

But there are issues when one parent can't be trusted to look after the kids or even just get them up solo in the mornings? In the case of an emergency, it would be very tough on the kids.

Eldest first slept at grandparents at four months old and continued to do at least once a month. This was so both me and DH could make plans/go away.
I first did a night away solo when dd was 15 months old then two nights (with work) when she was 16 months so DH had her.
Second dd is now 19 months old and she’s slept out twice and been left with DH till early hours several times. She didn’t sleep as well as my first did so I definitely put it off till she slept better/wasn’t feeding through night more because I felt bad on whoever had her. Wasn’t fussed leaving her with DH, he’s her dad and yes she settled better for me but she was also fine with him it just took him a bit longer.

Your kids are going to love the news that you have booked a hotel room next to their honeymoon suite.

“Have a great night darling, see you both at breakfast”

I wonder how much opportunity he's had to care for their child without her standing over him telling him he's doing it 'wrong', ie not as she thinks it should be done?

YANBU to not want to go, your life and you get to live it as you wish.

You say you were a bit jealous of your colleague being able to go away and you can’t envisage that for you. Do you really want that though? It doesn’t seem like it, and that is perfectly ok. Many people here, do see an issue that you don’t, and they are trying to suggest, (admittedly maybe not kindly), that if your DH behaviours could change, you could have that night away. However, the issue you wanted to vent about, you now don’t see as a problem or you are making excuses for. It’s your call, it’s your life, but if you ask AIBU and people say you are (as your experience is not their lived experience) you can’t be annoyed or surprised.
For me, your comment about your ‘D’H being unable to parent his children is a bit strange as this has not been my experience with any of my friends, neighbours or acquaintances. Why would he not be able? Does he have a physical or mental impairment? Why can he not wake up? Would he not hear a fire alarm? you say he goes away for work, how does he operate efficiently, how dies he wake up? These things would honestly be tackled if I lived with him. It feels like rather than not hearing a child cry, he knows you will deal with it, so he abdicates responsibility to you, even in sleep.

I have a BIL similar to your husband, when his spouse goes away he quite literally moves into his In Laws for the entire w/end so MIL can be the responsible adult. It makes me so cross that he foists his parental responsibilities to another, rather than doing his best and just being the parent in charge.

It's good for kids to be used to being cared for by their father and trusted grandparents/friends etc. It would be less stressful for them if you had to be admitted to hospital in an emergency or had to stay with an unwell parent ect. It takes a village...

I had my first night away (actually two nights) when my little one was eight months to go to a wedding. I missed her but it was fine! I go away probably once every six months for one or two nights to see friends now and don't have any cause to worry, my little one loves the extra quality time with her dad x

Nothing wrong with not wanting to leave them but DH should be able to cope, and they should be ok at being left with him.

She will get used to it.

This kind of situation irritates the hell out of me.

We ensured that my husband could do nights from as soon as it was possible. I have never once doubted his ability to look after our two babies who were quite close together in age.

I think it’s actually cruel to make your daughter so dependent on just you. If something happened to you she would need to feel secure with her other parent at night.

You need to get a grip and sort this out. And so does your husband who is happy to let this continue.

Presumably you have left the kids with him for the day, even if retuning for bedtime? You must have enjoyed some time to yourself in the past 5 years?

To answer the original question, my child’s 9 now. At 10 months he stayed with my mum for a week as we went away. We both travel with work so he is often with one of us or the other, whilst we are away for work. He’s pretty chilled out as to whoever he stays with. When he was smaller he suddenly missed the other parent loads to stall bedtime.

However now he’s very easy going whoever stays/goes. He’s with my mum for a week next week as I have a work trip which takes a +1 so DH is coming. We were more concerned how he would cope with this at 9 than when he was a teeny baby. However he is looking forward to his ‘holiday’ with Granny and Grandad and said we both need to bring him back a souvenir!

I came down quite hard on the "I want mummy" whining. If they kept shouting for me it was DH that would go in If a child had two parents they can bloody well treat them the same else one of us is unfairly disadvantaged.

We both tried to have 5 weekends away a year, some with some without DH.

Each to their own. I’ve done weekends away when little ones were younger and older. Kept my sanity frankly! Everyone has different lives and different kids etc so let them do what they want to do 🤷‍♀️

Why even bring your colleague up? It sounds like this post was created because you’re being a judgy parent. It’s healthy for BOTH parents to have time away from their children. If the father can’t look after them, why are you even with him?

Depends if you have turned down things you wanted to do because you feel you can't have a night away from them?

You need to leave your DH to look after his own children. They will all manage without you. I think you need to feel indispensable but you actually aren't! A family member had this - their 20 month old woke up multiple times a night and would only settle for their mum. Surprise surprise - when she had to spend a few nights away, the child slept though, dad coped, and the child now sleeps much better. Mum was making a martyr of herself for no good reason, apart from mistakenly thinking no one could manage without her!

OTT - a 2 or a 3 year old being breast fed is bonkers. If you want to do that, then fair play but not having a night out or away because you refuse other options is your own issue - not your husband’s.

100% this.

Yet you are with a man who is quite happy to watch you suffer.

I do wonder on these threads when men are described as good dads, and I thoroughly disagree. What kind of person never mind husband/dad, watches their partner be exhausted night after night and does not insist on stepping in. These are not good or kind people in my view. And I will die on that hill.

When was the last time you had a lie in, OP? @Moreroardinosaur

100% agree. I can't imagine how this works. Night after night, being tired and your DH just carrying on sleeping through. I would just be raging!

I also breastfed both of my children until they were over 2. But night weaned at around 7 months because I didn't want to be the only one able to do night wakings. My kids were also able to go without breastfeeding for a couple of days from a year old.

Maybe she set her bar higher and her husband is capable of taking care of own child at night