Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

You can't change her, you can't help her. She's an alcoholic. Alanon can help you work on your own boundaries.

Will fall on deaf ears and be forgotten by the morning

She’s probably an alcoholic and that means she is lashing out - that type of nasty comment is typical of an alcoholic.
If she were just sitting there sobbing in her nightie then I would say she had severe depression. But the fact that she manages to be so nasty, and often, means she still has the alcoholic’s nasty streak and is prepared to use it.
Her primary relationship now is with alcohol - sadly you and her friends aren’t important. She’s probably drinking more than you realise, too.
The Al-anon organisation would be so helpful for you. Because you didn’t cause your mum’s drinking. You can’t change it, stop it, or hope that kind support will alter it.
What you can do is speak to others who have been through it and learn some boundaries.
I should imagine she won’t want to go to the GP because that will involve questions about alcohol intake.
She will absolutely drag you down with her if you let her.
Please don’t let her. You have your own loving family, they must come first.

I hear you. A lot of people don't have "normal supportive relationships" with Mums, sadly.

As suggested try to involve a GP.

Yes, tough love time. I think you’ve done what you can.
But I’m so sorry, I hope you and she can work through it and she gets the help she needs.

I agree completely. It isn't your responsibility to make her seek help.

Gosh your mums life fell apart ten years ago and she started self isolating and drinking. That was the signal to get help.

its terrible how people can downward spiral until their family lose patience with them. I would speak to her GP. Anti depressants might allow her the little bit of mental space she needs to speak to AA.

I feel for you, op.

You can't force her to change, only keep offering help. You absolutely can protect yourself from being emotionally hurt by her, though.

Even if she has mh issues, it's perfectly reasonable to leave if she speaks unkindly to you. I'd personally do so every time. You aren't her emotional punch bag.

You could speak to her GP without her to let them know your concerns about her health.

I was going to recommend Al Anon. I found them very helpful when i was faced with a close relative's persistent drinking, and subsequent problems.

My mum reverts to spiteful child when unhappy or thwarted. It's hard to be on the receiving end. OP, if you think there's a link between your mum's mental state and alcohol, while you might not be able to persuade her to seek help, you might find it useful to get some neutral support for yourself.

So sorry to hear what you are going through @gloomytunes .. Its so hard to deal with a person in that situation.

No extra advice to add to the above, but depending on how old she is, could you contact someone like Age Concern.. they have a lot of experience dealing with relatives of people who refuse all help but whose condition is deteriorating and they might be able to point you in the right direction.

At the same time, however bad your Mum feels, don't let that stop you and your children enjoying your lives, I know its easy to say but difficult to do. I guess its a question of help where you can, but resist letting it completely take over your own life and happiness

No, it's not OP's fault, whatsoever.

She has always been a drinker but yes it did ramp up after we lost my dad. She has been supported and included. She came on holiday with us a few times, I’d often invite her on days out with the kids or for meals. Over time this became harder because she’d turn up drunk or she’d let us down at the last minute. People are talking about boundaries and slowly I have had to put mine in place. Our relationship has suffered because of it and yet she wants to make out that it’s my fault, nothing to do with her behaviour.

Stepping away and seeking outside support seems the best choice. I’m so sorry, I’ve dealt with alcoholism in my parent, and brother in law, too. It’s so destructive. Good luck, take care. X

How old is she?
In addition to depression and alcohol, could she have dementia? Other mental health issues?
Could you reach out to her doctor?
Could you get her admitted for her own safety?

My thoughts exactly.
You've got away lightly, OP. So far, I've only read one post telling you to go NC!

The problem with depression is that everything’s seems insurmountable but that’s no excuse for her being unkind to you.
What do you think the GP could do? I’m not being difficult but MH support is woeful even if she does seek support.

Sadly there is little you can do other than keep reminding her to go to the GP and explain her issues so she can step towards healing. She's seriously depressed unfortunately and has spiralled.

While she is your mum and you love her, you do need to look after yourself first and foremost. There's no point in two people being utterly miserable, esp when you have a family.

Take good care OP. I hope she can see the strength to get help. It does have to come from her in all honesty.

It really is but she could be put on waiting lists and also be given some anti-d's.
Anything would be a step forward than what's happening now. Also, if her mum can afford to get drunk a lot, she can afford to seek help to cut waiting lists?

Give ages concern a call. They might be able to put you in touch with a local befriending service. Sometimes, it takes someone who isn't emotionally close to get through.

I think some anti depressants or anti anxiety medication could help level her out a bit just so she’s able to cope. It’s certainly worth a try. But she is adamant she won’t ’take drugs’ which is ironic when she’s drinking bottles of vodka and smoking like a chimney.

Anti depressants are useless if she's regularly drinking to excess.

What happens if you don’t call and don’t go round?

This is incredibly difficult, and upsetting for you.

It might be helpful for you to get support to deal with the sadness and anger of this situation.

You're describing a woman with complex and entrenched alcoholism and mental health problems - your mum can't just decide to behave as if she didn't have these issues.

The priority is getting you help to deal with it, to change how it affects you.

I am so sorry this sounds awful.

I have no answers but I think I would not feel guilty for distancing myself and telling her that that is what I was doing and why.

I am so sorry, you deserve better.

Look up Complicated Grief. My mum suffered for years and it was so hard, considering my dad died when I was 6 so I grew up with it.

I was her emotional crutch for years. I wasn’t allowed 5 minutes alone in my bedroom before she’d be yelling up the stairs wondering where I was. She fully expected me to move back home after university and found a house for us to both move to. It had a granny flat (for me) but when I pointed out I’d never be allowed to use the lounge as she’d expect me at hers she agreed, sincerely.

She expected to talk to me every day, plus email, MSN messenger and whatever other means she had. Nothing was enough. And any way I differed from her was purely to spite her rather than being what I actually wanted.

It took years of therapy to pull away.

I recommend you start putting in strong boundaries and ignore the guilt trips. Nothing you do will make her happy. Why should you be unhappy too?