Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

Just awful op. She's manipulative as well as selfish.

Do the duty visits but manage expectations, she doesn't want help she wants pity. Be firm but kind. As long as she is safe and there is food in the fridge for now that will have to be enough.

If she wants help she'll ask. Limit how much you expose your dc to her behaviour.

Your df has been gone years, yes grief lasts forever but this inability to function appropriately does not.

Mum definitely needs help, and you can only do such much.

I was in a very similar situation. My mum had long term depression but was also a binge drinking alcoholic, my dad had hidden it from all of us. After he died she drank more and became more and more erratic. I too wouldn't let her look after my children. She used to drag stuff up from years past, minor events that she had be dwelling on. I eventually had to accept that she was mum and I loved her but had to keep a distance for my own sanity. I would ring her weekly. I could always tell if she had been drinking just by her tone of voice. She only ever came to my house as that was a situation I could control for me and my children.
You can't fix it only offer support.

My mother can do this- once l went to a solicitor's appt with her- she wanted a cheque from her house sale , they were holding it back for other costs- she had afit of hysterics and weeping they eventually gave her the cheque- l was really concerned and about to get medical helpshe got up took the cheque walked out still weeping then as we were halfway across the car park she looked at the cheque and said to me in a voice steady as a rock- l thought that went very well-l was just a prop in the charade, so it's perfectly possible.

You cannot be your Mum's everything. She wants to feel better without making any effort, and that's not gonna happen. You have the right, the need, and the responsibility to set appropriate limits with her for your own mental wellbeing.

And she can make the choice to disappear into a bottle, but you can equally make the choice to limit your exposure to her when she does that, and your children too.

In short, she has the right to make her own choices, but you also have that exact same right to make your own choices too. And her being your Mum doesn't mean you have to choose to stick around to take it when she chooses to make you her emotional punching bag.

im so sorry for you both. Your mum clearly feels she lost everything when dh died and you lost both your dad and your mum when he passed away. She’s spiralling and she won’t accept any help or accountability. She’s stuck in a grieving bitter mindset. And needs some therapy. There’s lots of online therapy if she doesn’t want to go to gp but she needs to understand she needs help. Which currently she doesn’t. I think you should tell her she’s wrong and her behaviour is causing harm, bring round some grieving leaflets or help her to look on line once she begins to understand what she’s going through.

You haven't cut her out, she's pushed you away with her behaviour. You need to make her aware that all you want is to have a relationship with her but there are boundaries and expectations in every relationship. Book an appointment with the gp and ultimatum her. She comes with you or you're majorly stepping back. The ball's in her court at that point. If the gp recommends meds, make it clear she takes them or you're out. Tell her that you need her and going to the gp/taking meds would be an act of love to you.
All of this was once done to me by my parents and it worked. X

There are pharmacological drugs for this. She needs those and they take awhile to kick in but they really do work for most people. She also has to dry out. Is it possible to hospitalize her in a long term care facility? You might need to get a medical power of attorney over her so that you can put her into a facility for what is likely going to be against her will, initially, especially for alcohol. But the depression should be enough to get her committed for a little bit.

You have to get help for yourself. Join an Al-Anon group for adult children of alcoholics and find a therapist. This burden is too much to carry by yourself.

Sounds draining. She's very lucky you put up with it presuming you are right and she is wrong.

'You might need to get a medical power of attorney over her so that you can put her into a facility for what is likely going to be against her will, initially, especially for alcohol. But the depression should be enough to get her committed for a little bit.' WHAT??????

I was going to suggest similar!

Alcoholism is slow suicide. Maybe she feels there is no point left in life since your dad died. She doesn’t want to get help or take medication because deep down she wants this. That’s why your interactions with her never seem to get through or make a difference.

I’m sorry you are having to be involved in this. Excessive consumption of alcohol causes a definite shift in personality/behaviour. A nasty or uncaring streak surfaces on top of the “depressant” effect and you don’t need to be around it just because this woman raised you.

Think about it as if she were a long time friend. Yes it would be sad, but you can’t force her to accept help, so you just have to take a step back and look after yourself and your DC. You’ve tried. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I didn’t contact her and the following day she rang me. She was quite normal. Didn’t mention the incident and sounded level headed. The more I think about it the more I think she must have been drinking when we had the row. It shows that she can still function and be normal when she isn’t on the drink. I have taken on board everything everyone has said and although I’m not ready to go NC I will absolutely set boundaries and not engage with her when she’s like that in future. The fact she got in touch and made the effort to be normal (like it should even be an effort?) shows me that she knows she was in the wrong.

If it helps, my DH and I have a few family
members that we are open with them that we won’t speak to them or visit if they have had a drink. Sometimes, especially on the phone, we have had one of them call obviously sober and then you can tell they must be drinking because their words start to slur etc. You could try making this ground rule with her, as a middle ground between NC and having to deal with her when she’s drunk.

You won't be able to change her op but you can absolutely have boundaries and look after yourself a bit more.

If she is being mean because she has been drinking tell her you are leaving until she can be nice. If she asks why she can't look after the dc then be blunt "Sorry Mum but you are too up and down with your drinking and depression at the moment. When you are ready to seek proper medical help with this I will be here for you and then we can also rethink time alone with the kids.

Practice saying "I am so sorry for all that you have been through, it's not fair but it's not an excuse to take it out on me. I love you and am trying to support you" and "That's really uncalled for Mum, you need to stop behaviour like this or you won't have anyone"

She sounds seriously depressed especially if she wasn’t like this before, I have a friend who recently has become really horrible angry all the time.
Plus forgetting things etc etc Damn right nasty a couple of weeks ago. She had a psychotic episode at my house when her partner brought her over she’s basically losing it not cleaning herself properly wearing dirty clothes behaving bizarrely I suspect some kind of dementia. I wonder if your mum has similar problems it can make them really angry and awkward.

@gloomytunes is it possible that your mother has Dependent Personality Disorder? It sounds like she relied on your dad for everything (emotional and practical) and is despreately trying to replace him by getting someone to fulfill the role of her companion and caretaker. DPD could explain why her needs seem so excessive and unreasonable by ordinary standards. I may be off the mark, but it seems to me that you're dealing with more than just grief here.

The alcoholism will be impossible to treat without also getting her help for her emotional problems, it sounds like she needs CBT. Easier said than done, obvs. My mum has only just started getting councelling for her emotional and drinking issues (caused by childhood abuse), and she's over 80. She's cut down a lot on the drink (unlikely she'll stop completely) but thankfully the awful breakdowns and rows have stopped. Hopefully your mum won't wait that long, for her sake as much as anyone else's. You have my sympathy, you've done an excellent job. It's easy for people on here to critisize when they're not living with it and bringing up a family, ehilst watching everone else walk away and leave you to deal with it.

Could be alcoholic dementia? My father-in-law had it. Made my mother-in-law's life a nightmare. I really don't know what to advise. Maybe persuade doctor's surgery to call for a check-up if they can. Otherwise I think you have to limit visits and let her get on with it. Do her shopping if you must but don't buy the alcohol.

sparkly leader
There are many issues with what you suggest.

First it costs thousands per week for inpatient care, I doubt the OP or her mother has this money. Even if they do, OP isn't responsible for her mother and probably has more important things her own family could use the money for. The mother isn't going to agree to pay for rehab even if she has the money because she does not want to go.

OPs mother has capacity. It's not illegal to make stupid choices. Because of this, you can't lock an addict up against their will. Power of attorney only kicks in once the person it's for loses capacity or if they choose to let you act for them eg because they want advocacy. Since the mother doesn't want to go to rehab, she's not going to let OP send her to rehab.

It's a costly and lengthy process to get power of attorney if someone lacks capacity to give it to you in the first place. OP won't be granted power of attorney for someone with capacity who doesn't want her to have it, taking that argument to court would be a complete waste of OPs time and money.

That's interesting and a good saying. Must remember that. I hadn't heard it but it rings true.

Bleddy hell OP, I could have written this myself!
I can't have conversations with my mother without someone else present, else she lies about the interaction or layers the shit on so thick that I'm left drowning.
I've struggled with my own MH for years and spent lots of time and effort trying to 'help' my mum through various life events but I cannot help any more. I honestly think most of my anxiety and depression stems from our relationship.
I've told her I will listen to what she has to say but should it be direct personal attacks at me or my family I'm not interested. A phrase that's been used a lot by me is 'we will have to disagree, agreeably', whilst walking away or leaving the room. My mother must always be right and no amount of evidence or opinion will change that and she becomes very defensive and will just shut the conversation down if it's not going her way.
As previous posters have said look after yourself and try to break the cycle of being her crutch.
I've found that my successes and my life are things that my mum tries to attack and bring down. I think we reach an age where we do look back on our lives and all the pain and suffering does come out including all the regret, but that doesn't mean you should be taking the brunt of it!