Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

Just awful op. She's manipulative as well as selfish.

Do the duty visits but manage expectations, she doesn't want help she wants pity. Be firm but kind. As long as she is safe and there is food in the fridge for now that will have to be enough.

If she wants help she'll ask. Limit how much you expose your dc to her behaviour.

Your df has been gone years, yes grief lasts forever but this inability to function appropriately does not.

Mum definitely needs help, and you can only do such much.

I was in a very similar situation. My mum had long term depression but was also a binge drinking alcoholic, my dad had hidden it from all of us. After he died she drank more and became more and more erratic. I too wouldn't let her look after my children. She used to drag stuff up from years past, minor events that she had be dwelling on. I eventually had to accept that she was mum and I loved her but had to keep a distance for my own sanity. I would ring her weekly. I could always tell if she had been drinking just by her tone of voice. She only ever came to my house as that was a situation I could control for me and my children.
You can't fix it only offer support.

My mother can do this- once l went to a solicitor's appt with her- she wanted a cheque from her house sale , they were holding it back for other costs- she had afit of hysterics and weeping they eventually gave her the cheque- l was really concerned and about to get medical helpshe got up took the cheque walked out still weeping then as we were halfway across the car park she looked at the cheque and said to me in a voice steady as a rock- l thought that went very well-l was just a prop in the charade, so it's perfectly possible.

You cannot be your Mum's everything. She wants to feel better without making any effort, and that's not gonna happen. You have the right, the need, and the responsibility to set appropriate limits with her for your own mental wellbeing.

And she can make the choice to disappear into a bottle, but you can equally make the choice to limit your exposure to her when she does that, and your children too.

In short, she has the right to make her own choices, but you also have that exact same right to make your own choices too. And her being your Mum doesn't mean you have to choose to stick around to take it when she chooses to make you her emotional punching bag.

im so sorry for you both. Your mum clearly feels she lost everything when dh died and you lost both your dad and your mum when he passed away. She’s spiralling and she won’t accept any help or accountability. She’s stuck in a grieving bitter mindset. And needs some therapy. There’s lots of online therapy if she doesn’t want to go to gp but she needs to understand she needs help. Which currently she doesn’t. I think you should tell her she’s wrong and her behaviour is causing harm, bring round some grieving leaflets or help her to look on line once she begins to understand what she’s going through.

You haven't cut her out, she's pushed you away with her behaviour. You need to make her aware that all you want is to have a relationship with her but there are boundaries and expectations in every relationship. Book an appointment with the gp and ultimatum her. She comes with you or you're majorly stepping back. The ball's in her court at that point. If the gp recommends meds, make it clear she takes them or you're out. Tell her that you need her and going to the gp/taking meds would be an act of love to you.
All of this was once done to me by my parents and it worked. X

There are pharmacological drugs for this. She needs those and they take awhile to kick in but they really do work for most people. She also has to dry out. Is it possible to hospitalize her in a long term care facility? You might need to get a medical power of attorney over her so that you can put her into a facility for what is likely going to be against her will, initially, especially for alcohol. But the depression should be enough to get her committed for a little bit.

You have to get help for yourself. Join an Al-Anon group for adult children of alcoholics and find a therapist. This burden is too much to carry by yourself.