Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

‘Lack of willing’ pretty much goes hand in hand with clinical depression.

YABU to talk about your issues with your obviously severely depressed mum on AIBU, which is just an open invitation for everyone to slag her off

@gloomytunes this is so tough. Do you have siblings?

Honestly, from experience, this is what serious mental illness (depression or something else) plus addiction looks like. There is not a lot you can do to force your Mum to seek support (I know, I tried with mine, she was beyond reason). The only thing you can work on is your boundaries and feeling ok with stepping away.

Things that helped: Therapy. Having friends that got it. Learning not to tell people I didn't know well that my Mum was tricky so they couldn't judge, choosing the people I spent my time with wisely. Educating myself about MH disorders, and addiction also helped me realise what I experienced was pretty common, was also useful. Forums like this. Letting go. Writing to the GP to alert them (in practice they can't do a lot until the individual poses a risk to themselves, but they need to know).

Am so sorry. It is such a lonely place.

Hugs OP 💐

My best friend’s mother sounds similar. She can’t have a regular conversation with her mum without her shouting or crying about something from the past. She rings/texts her mum almost daily, does her food shopping, drives her to all her medical appointments. Her mother never says thankyou to her. Always tries to guilt trip my friend by saying “You don’t care about me. You never talk to me” which are complete lies.

I’ve seen the behaviour for myself. I’ve witnessed many emotional abusive episodes when we were teenagers whilst I was at their house.

She is an alcoholic. I suspect various mental health problems too, but refuses to help herself.

It’s heartbreaking seeing my friend be treated this way, when all she has ever wanted is to be loved and supported by her mother.

I don’t really have any advice other than there’s nothing really you can do to change her behaviour. You can only control how you react to it. I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair.

It will be the alcohol. I had a parent affected this way. Alcohol is a major depressive which is ironic when we think of it as something associated with a good time. If she is drinking alone alot it makes it worse as it magnifies bad thoughts which just go in rote in their minds. The bitterness, arguments and lack of motivation wont improve while she drinking unfortunately.
That's my experience anyway.

Her mum can be severely depressed and at the same time also be emotionally abusive and manipulative. The OP’s feelings and experience is valid. We should not be bashing the OP.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically.

this is the part that gets me - she is acting like a child with the passive aggressive comment.

You've said you telephone daily and visit at lunch times etc

id send her a straightforward text

Todays comment as I left was unhelpful and passive agressive. If you want to communicate what help you would like from me then I can discuss properly. I've explained I think you are depressed and to live on tablets or find a way out of the black hole you - it can't be worse than how you are feeling now. You do need to first decide how you want to help yourself, as unfortunately no one else can take this one, but support is their from friends and family when you are ready.

I feel for you, my mum is the same. She's always been a bit like this but has been worse since father died.
She's so bitter and resentful and harps on about slights from the 70s, such as my grandparents nver babysitting for us (as far as I remember, they did!).

You have to ignore her shit. What does that look like though? Continue to see her, accept that the hour you're with her is terrible, and forget about it till next time?

Go no contact or low contact?

Or call her out every single time. Things like...thats not true is it mum? I dont agree with that at all. Are you surprised? Look at how you behave!

None of the options are easy and none of them will change your mum. Only she can do that.

So, why not get yourself some therapy to help you deal with all of this? It should give you some coping strategies as well as help you understand this is not your fault or your issue to fix.

Really shitty stuff op. Take care of yourself.

Thank you for the comments. It’s nice just to hear that it’s not my fault to be honest. Logically I know it’s not but when she starts saying things about me cutting her out she does make me doubt myself. She blames my dh too which is unfair. He isn’t especially fond of her at this point because of her behaviour but in the past he has been supportive. But she just takes no accountability for herself and blames the rest of us.

The helpful poster who said I’m unreasonable to post and encourage people to slag her off - not the case at all although she doesn’t use MN so even if they were it makes no odds to her. It’s more so that I can actually vent a bit and get some perspective on what is a very difficult situation.

She sounds like she's fallen into depression and alcoholism and is now very much in the victim mentality state where she blames everyone else for her state.

If you can afford it, could you get some therapy.

Your are not her mother or her therapist. You shouldn't have to do what you are doing and she's really not being a good mother to you.

She needs to somehow take accountability.

I think you need to step back and let her hit rock bottom, OP.

She's not only refusing to deal with her issues but seeking out and whipping up new/fake problems so she has a new excuse to drown her sorrows.

Nothing you say will help her at this point.

You'd be doing both her and yourself a favour by stepping back and letting her struggle for a while.

focus on yourself and the kids and getting yourself some support to deal with your feelings on not having parents you can turn to any more.

That's a lot to get your head around.

Hopefully in time your Mum will realise what she's doing and seek help.

It’s ok to have boundaries. To say “Mum if you start criticizing me I am going to warn you. If you continue I will leave’
My DH had to do this with his DF. It too some therapy and he still finds it hard but it helps a bit.
And it gets him away from all the awful untruths and negativity.

There is a "friends and family" offshoot of alcoholics anonymous called al-anon. The goal of al-anon isn't to teach you ways of making the problem drinker in your life change their ways, but to teach you ways of reducing the damage the problem drinker is causing to our own lives. I found al-anon useful because it helped me to realise that I wasn't alone and that the insanity I was seeing wasn't unique, but part of an overall set of behaviours. Al-anon isn't perfect and it does vary from group to group but it might be worth a try. I also did some one-to-one counselling for a while which I found very beneficial. Finally, I'd recommend Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More".

Oh, one other suggestion - there's a long-running mumsnet support thread for those of us with problem drinkers in our lives. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5

This. Insist she gets professional help or nothing.

She probably doesn’t want to go and be asked questions about her drinking as hen she can no longer stay in denial. But that’s what she has to deal with. Alcohol is a depressant.

She sounds as though she’s still suffering from spousal bereavement stuff.

Been there, lived the dream, and it’s hard to get over. 🙁

Her GP might help.

She can post where she likes

AIbU gets most traffic

Posters arent “slagging her off” mostly they are recommending help from GP or OP to look after her own mental health

Has this hit a nerve for you?

I think this is good advice.

The only person that can help her is her. I would contact social services and the GP and explain what she is like and see if they will intervene. But literally cut off her source. She is abusive and will not get better unless she helps herself.

This is EXACTLY the solution I was thinking, @gloomytunes— thank you, @Calliopespa

”if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, then then Muhammad must come to the mountain.”

Your mother needs help - sooner rather than later, and you don’t want to wait for something catastrophic to happen before she gets it.

Please don’t get me wrong - I’m not talking blood & guts, I’m talking your mum shutting down completely or her lashing out.

My dad acted like he was completely AOK 100% fine, normal, happy, wonderful - after struggling for months.

And the last thing he told me before I left to do their weekly shop was, “you’re beautiful.”
I never saw my beloved dad alive again and I DID think that was odd, but I was in a hurry and let it go. I should’ve stopped and asked him what was up, and I still beat myself up over that.

Make an appointment with your Mum’s GP.
Go in and have a consultation about the odd ways your mum is behaving.
Ask her GP to make a house call EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO PAY CASH and even if you have to get down on your knees. I don’t know how it works there - I’m American lol. But beg them to make a house call for your mother - it’s all hands on deck.
You can do it - I have faith in you.

She’s your mum, and if she’s anything like my mum, you adore her and you’re willing to move heaven and earth and go the extra mile.
Or the extra kilometer…

Sending love from California ❤️

Try al anon?

So sorry op it's sounds an awful situation.

As others have said she sounds like an alcoholic, whether she'd had a drink or not when you went round doesn't matter she possibly binge drinks.

It's classic, the self neglect, the self pity, blaming everyone else, not getting dressed etc.

Honestly, tough though to is you need to do some self preservation and damage limitation. Short visits to check on well being. Give her numbers for AA and GP but then just back off and accept you cannot change her. Yes be sad for the parent that she isn't but just focus on your own family.

Pp who said do GPs do home visits in these situations I would think not. She just needs to seek help and until then all you can do op is look after yourself .

She is an adult with capacity. Paid or not you cannot force health care on people, you have to wait for them to admit they need help and then assist.

Yes, Gloria, I’m quite aware of that.

Still, a visit from a healthcare professional or the family doctor in a family or casual setting is far from “forcing” healthcare on anyone.

A chat at home is a far cry from a clinical setting and and OP’s mother always has the option of saying “no” to any of the suggestions the doctor might have.
Always.

She might, however, say yes.

You never know until you try.

I would stop phoning nearly every day. Visit but cut the visit short if she starts on you.

Contact Al anon as suggested.

I would be telling her I am going to notify adult social services but would not be coming back to be insulted and verbally abused like that and hand it over to them.