Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

Not all mother's are supportive by any means.
Really all you can do is pull back and hope she realises she has gone too far.
Stop trying to fix her,she is the only one who can do that.

As your Mum was always into drink it may be that your Dad's death gave her the perfect excuse to drink lots more.
That sounds awful but it is how alcoholics think, and she sounds like the classic alcoholic.

You could try being really frank about your feelings and hurt WHEN SHE IS SOBER (don't bother unless you are sure she hasn't drunk), but honestly there's nothing more you can do.

Please do come over to the thread linked above where all of us affected by a loved one's alcoholism can vent, get support, advice, just a listening ear.

Hope to see you there

What an extraordinary comment. Are you seriously suggesting that it is not OK for OP to try and get some support on an anonymous forum?

Obviously, I don't know much about your family situation, but I would guess that she is feeling superflous to requirement. Honestly, I would too right now. My one and only child is 27, has no partner because he's completely focused on work and not paid well enough to wine and dine any girl he might like, very much. When he qualifies, and earns more, it might change.But she wont be going to the fanciest restaurants, unless chef privileges are invoked.

This. Did this with a family member and GP acted on it and got them in. Didn't magically fix everything but it put a professional in the mix which helped all round.

This guy s true. MN and OP can wish there were a solution but given the situation OP is reporting there isn’t one. Her behavior won’t change until she quits the alcohol and she won’t quit the alcohol—probably can’t quit because of the addiction. She doesn’t have a problem, in her mind, it is OP and everyone else who is the problem. No problem? No solution.

Once OP recognizes that she, OP has the problem it becomes easier to find a solution. OP needs to go low to no contact and grieve yhe mother she once had. That may or may not have a good effect on the mother but it will gave a good effect on OP.

Sorry for the typos. Autocorrect gets in and subs things very fast.

I also think you mother has a drink problem. Sadly, classically, people don't tackle this until they realise for themselves that they really have to do something about it. This can mean hitting rock bottom first. One of the problem is that it can all trap others in repetitive patterns of behaviour as well - you try and help her, she attacks you or acts like the victim. I find it helps to think that there are 3 roles, victim, persecutor and rescuer, and these roles swap between the alcoholic and a second person. So you try and rescue her, she becomes the persecutor, (by saying such horrible things), making you the victim, then she becomes the victim and you the persecutor when you have to do something like stop her babysitting. You can only recognise it and then refuse to play. Good luck, its a horrible and painful situation.

U need to cut off contact for a
while to get ur sanity back. She doesn’t sound like she’s in anyway taking responsibility or accountability for herself or her actions anytime soon so the best I can say is let her get on with it because ur damned if u do or don’t. At least cut urself a break and take some time to yourself

Sadly this does feel like the sensible option at the moment. It’s hard because she can have days of being relatively ‘normal’ like her old self. Other days she’s so different. It isn’t a constant state of weeping and being pissed although it is becoming more frequent.

She has always been a very anxious person and my dad levelled her out a lot. He organised their lives and it’s been a great loss not just emotionally but practically too. I do understand this and have probably given her more leeway because of it. But I just feel there has to come a time when you think right I have to take accountability for my life and make changes if I want to be happy. I can’t see her doing it and that’s what really hurts.

OP I honestly don't have any advice in this situation, it sounds so hard for you but I just wanted to send you a hug, it seems really tough and you're clearly trying hard with your mum. 🫂

My mum is like this, but she's not a drinker. Dad left her and since then it's been my fault her life isn't what she wants. I realised a few years ago that she was always going to be unhappy with me whatever I did. So I just stopped doing anything. She's still unhappy with me - no change there - but I'm loads happier!
Covid helped as everything stopped and I just never restarted.

Sorry about this, it sounds truly difficult. It’s clear you want to support her but she can’t face up to her problems, which is sadly not unusual, especially with people of her generation.

@gloomytunesYou can't help as she doesn't want to help herself. You need to go to Al Anon as your mom drinking is affecting you all and is not helping your mental health.

Al-Anon is a 12-step program for those who have someone in their lives where drinking is causing a problem. The link is below.

Meetings are available online as well as life. You have nothing to lose by clicking this link. It will help you

al-anonuk.org.uk/

Until she accepts she needs help there is nothing you can do. It may help you to contact Al-anon, they’re there to help people whose close family are having problems with drink. They would certainly be a really good support for you, and they will help you see there is nothing you can do, except to be there for when she wants help.

step away, and look after yourself. It’s honestly the only way.

Cut her out of you our life. Leave her to fester in self pity and alcohol.

Your poor mum sounds clinically depressed which is an illness and not something she can do anything about. What is certain is that your presence will matter more than anything. Just lean in, know that she loves and needs you and try not to take anything she says to heart. You sound like a lovely daughter.

Hello there. Sounds like the relationship I have with my mum. She had just been diagnosed with dementia as she keeps going back to the 80s too talking about events that hurt her back then.
I truly hope your mum doesn’t but she sounds very depressed.
don’t take the attack personally. It’s hard not to but our parents generation truly never accept responsibility for their actions. Take care of yourself xx

My lovely, gentle wife has had to deal with this same problem nearly all of her adult life. Not a single ounce of praise from her mum for her numerous efforts in making her mums life happy and enjoyable. Nothing my wife did was good enough, she found fault with everything she did to make her happy and me forever standing there, biting my tongue so as not to make the situation worse.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this heartbreaking and very difficult situation. She is clearly suffering from depression. Would she give you permission to speak to her GP? Even if she doesn't, you can have a one-way conversation with them and they can approach her. It sounds like she would definitely benefit from anti-depressants. Also, are there any old friends of hers you can reach out to? Good luck.

Lovely OP you sound stretched and fraught and are probably managing family relationships up, down and sideways.
The problem sounds like it is focused around the alcohol. Which is then affecting everything else. Especially as you said vodka which is known for bringing out an aggressive and depressive side in people. It’s not a happy drink that’s for sure.
When I realised my mum had a problem with alcohol it made it easier for me to set boundaries. I don’t know how old your children are but she forced me to have a conversation about alcoholics with my 12 year old whip I didn’t want to have but I had to explain what they were seeing. Please put a stop to your kids being around her and witnessing this. You are fully entitled to do so.
unfortunately it took my mum hitting rock bottom and having my brother telling her we won’t put up with it anymore for her to stop drinking. For some reason she listens to him and not me.
I saw a therapist - only 6 sessions but was worth every penny. Just to have a rant more than anything and to have somebody tell me I wasn’t a bad person.
I also recommend the audio book which is free on Spotify called Adult children on emotionally immature parents. As I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg and has shown signs of this all your life. Just exasperated my the death of your dad and being allowed to drink alone - exactly the same as my mum but with some generational trauma thrown in.
You’re a great mum and daughter - the fact you care so much is sign enough of that. Set your boundaries. You can do it ❤️

I'm wondering if the long term alcohol use means that your mum is now developing Wernicke's/Korsakoff syndrome which is affecting her memory. Might be worth looking it up to see if it fits.

Family are precious but so are you so protect yourself and get them help for alcoholism/ depression grief whatever but get a therapist to do it. If they refuse back off and keep your distance.

Deal with it by distancing yourself from her. She's an alcoholic and has reached the stage of becoming abusive with it. She doesn't want help so there's nothing you can do. She won't go to the doctor because like many addicts, she's chosen "self-medicating" with alcohol over obtaining antidepressants or working on herself with talking therapies. If she goes to the GP she knows they'll tell her to stop drinking and she doesn't want to.

Join al-anon (for the families of) to get some support for yourself or see a counsellor, if you need it.

I could have written this OP. It’s so hard but I just do my duty and detach as much as I can. Nothing I do makes her happy and she won’t help herself so there’s no point making myself miserable too. It’s hard though!