Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

I'm coming up to a year of being a widow for what that might be worth. I think there is a type of widow that just don't want to move forward with their new life alone and just stay where they are, angry and slowly alienating everyone else and they simply cannot see that they are the problem. Add in a long standing fondness for alcohol and it's even worse.
I think your best option from what you describe is to go no contact/minimal contact and let her get on with it. I think it's the drink that's driving her nastiness and all her problems. I've seen this play out first hand and it's boozing first, then they start brooding and they're always the victim - nothing is ever their fault. That's anything, not just being left to carry on on their own. And the spitefulness!! I think if she wants to sort out her drinking then she might be a lot nicer, but they have to want to do that, youre wasting your time trying to persuade her to do that.

But your depression isn't someone else's depression, is it? Me and my exH both have it, and he could never understand that it looks different in different people.

Plus this person seems to have alcohol issues too.

I think a lot of the replies here are pretty unkind. It sounds like this is someone in the miidst of a mental health crisis. Op this is terrible for you and your mum should not behave like this but it’s entirely possible it’s completely down to a mental health problem.
I had a similar issue with a family member and I called their GP. They wouldn’t discuss with me but I reported that I was concerned for their welfare and they actually did act by sending someone to visit. Long story short ultimately the person has ended up on a lot of treatment and is back much more to their normal self.
It might be worth calling her gp to report it if they are a semi decent one. You can tell them she won’t accept help but you have concerns for her welfare. Good luck.

@Youcantwinthemall Same here, except it's my Dad. He doesn't drink but has lifelong MH issues and blames other people (especially me) when he's down. He also tells lies about me. I give him practical support and speak to him most days, but I need to be emotionally detached and not take anything he says to heart. It's very wearing sometimes though.

@gloomytunes It's so difficult but try to be emotionally detached from her outbursts. You know that her problems aren't your fault.

This is a horrible situation for you, but I don't think you'd be happy just leaving her, so I wondered if you could get some help for her by suggesting relationship counselling for you together? A counsellor might be able to help her see the situation more clearly, and might be helpful to you too.
I don't even know if this is a thing, but just a thought. Good luck. xx

No advice really but in a similar position. Always had a strained relationship with my mum, when my dad unexpectedly died 7 years ago she is in no fit state for anything. Drinks and smokes all day every day, not a very pleasant person and not what my dad would have wanted!! Also won’t seek help

Don't make the mistake of thinking she's ever properly sober, OP. Functional alcoholics don't look obviously drunk unless they've had an absolute skinful. But they're just as abusive as any other angry drunk, picking fights etc and will likely be having the same type of memory blanks that people get after binge drinking at the weekend (but it's every day), so won't necessarily even remember the fights you've had.

They've a huge immunity to alcohol but are constantly either under the influence of it, recovering from the resultant hangover or in withdrawal having not yet started drinking that day. So never unaffected.

It's likely she's very drunk when she's weeping and ranting.

It's reached the point where she's losing control of her ability to hide it and is moving into non-functioning alcoholism. As someone previously posted the next stage is alcohol-related brain damage, which mimics dementia except that it's not progressive in itself (a brain that's had that much substance abuse could well develop dementia later too though and that is progressive).

At the moment, if she got sober she could be right as rain. But you'll never know because she won't. If she ever goes into hospital for falling down pissed make sure you tell them she's an alcoholic because sudden alcohol withdrawal without medication could result in seizures. There's no way she'll tell them if she won't even admit it to herself.

What did you dad do, in terms of organising their life? If she has money to pay for it, you could organise a support worker to help her with life admin type stuff and doing an online food shop if she's not capable of sorting things herself.

Oh the drama. She thrives on it, doesn’t she?

You’re not being unreasonable at all. You’re dealing with a parent who is clearly unwell, but who is also refusing every avenue of help, and that puts you in an impossible position.

It’s completely understandable that you feel frustrated, hurt and worn down. You’ve spent years trying to support her, but you can’t fix someone who won’t take even the smallest step to help themselves. That’s not a failure on your part; it’s simply the limit of what any adult child can do.

What you’re describing - the drinking, the withdrawal, the bitterness, the rewriting of history, the lashing out, all points to someone who is struggling with grief, depression and alcohol misuse. None of that is your fault, and none of it is something you can “love” or “logic” her out of. When people are in that place, they often project their pain onto the safest person in the room. Unfortunately, that’s you.

You’re allowed to step back from that. You’re allowed to protect your own mental health. You’re allowed to say “I love you, but I won’t be spoken to like this.”
You can still care for her without being her emotional punchbag. Shorter, calmer, more predictable contact can help. Ending conversations when she’s drunk or hostile can help. Repeating, gently but consistently, that you’re worried and that she deserves proper support can help, even if she refuses it.

But you cannot carry the responsibility for her choices. You cannot make her seek help. And you cannot sacrifice your own wellbeing to keep the peace.
You’re not cutting her out. You’re not alienating your children. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re simply trying to navigate a very painful situation with compassion and boundaries, and that’s all anyone could reasonably expect of you.

Be kind to yourself. This is hard, and your feelings are entirely valid.

Greetings Original Commenter 💚
I'm so very sorry to hear of what you're going through with your mum🫂
I know it doesn't really help much, but they say "we always hurt the ones we love"... It most surely doesn't make the way she speaks to you ok&definitely doesn't excuse her blaming you...
I think the truth in aforementioned saying, is that sometimes loved ones vent their upsets on those they feel are a safe person to do so to...
Your mum knows there's no consequences to taking out her hurt on her darling daughter...
Also I really feel she's deflecting & projecting the self blame she beholds within her own self, onto you, her innocent Child... Just because she knows she can & she doesn't know how else to deal with the internal pain
But of course it's most surely not ok & I wish You&Your Family, all the utmost very best
💚🫂💚

As long as she’s drinking, she will be depressed and have a warped view of her life. She sounds very low. She’s also desperate for professional help, but until she admits this, sadly there’s nothing you can do. You have done nothing wrong. I really hope she realises that she’s unwell soon. It’s awful on you both and her physical health must be suffering too. 🤗

Have you sought help from any organizations (dont know which. Would they be able to support you/other relatives and your mum's friends to collectively make some sort of intervention? She might when faced with all these people who love and are concerned for her, might accept the need to go somewhere away from her home, to get the care and treatment/counselling she quite clearly needs

She's clearly overwhelmed and seeking g solin a bottle.

Faced with a group of you. She won't hurt you the way she can when you are trying g help on your own.

Alcoholics are the most manipulative people ever, you can do 99 things for them but that one thing is your downfall and will forever be thrown in your face and they become the victim!

they are always the victim and everyone else is to blame for everything that’s happening.

my sibling is one and for my own mental health I had to block and take a step back.

you can’t force them to get help, they have to decide themselves,

this sounds a very good idea - you have got to be as boundaries about it as the post suggests

she sounds like she has had some trauma in the past - the drinking and crying and talking about the suicide event

I think she needs to be a bit more stable for counselling - she sound in a crisis - GP first

she’d need to sober for counselling too

I went no contact with parents over a decade ago. My mother has always been hard work for everyone she comes into contact with. She's not an alcoholic but has a number of destructive mental health issues. My father is happy to be ordered around by her and expects everyone else to do likewise.

You can offer help but of course you can't make her accept it. I don't know if you've given her any details of helplines or sources of help. She clearly needs to see her GP. Maybe offer to go with if she will agree to an appointment.

You are doing as much as you can but don't be afraid to set boundaries. Does she know why you won't let her babysit? Perhaps just explain that she isn't well and you will reconsider when she's better.
Obviously you can't leave the children alone with her.

Yes she's ill but you aren't her emotional punchbag and if you need a couple of days peace by not calling her do it. Some people think adult children are responsible for their parents no matter what and I call BS.

All my love to you. I get it. I really do. 🩷

And ultimately if you have to go no contact do it. It's hard but for me one of the best decisions I ever made.

You can only do so much. Everyone has their breaking point.

How old is your mum she sounds very depressed and maybe its hormonal too dependent on her age.
You can only do what you have already done your mum is choosing to be this way if she continually refuses any help .
As hard as it is id say distance is the only way .. tell her how you feel and thst space is needed it may give her the push she needs to improve her life.
Don't let her ruin yours xx

Alcoholics are full of resentment and bitterness. It's one of the reasons for the 12 step programme. Do you think she could be an alcoholic? Rather than calling daily, could you just check in on her once a week? Obviously encourage her to seek help and also step back a bit so you don't remain the focus of her negative feelings.

@gloomytunes Agreed.

Personally, I think it’s time to say you’re done until she sorts herself out and gets help.

She may never though.…. Either way, you don’t need to tolerate how she’s treating you.

Watching those you love and care for spiral down and turn on you is devastating. My inclination when I am attacked is now to go NC unless there is a way I can change the situation. It is very, very difficult to do and not letting one’s own alarm and worry for them dominate one’s thinking requires huge effort. All the “What ifs” and self examination really take a toll on you as you are being gaslit. You can and should provide your observations to the GP and/or psych, understanding that they may do nothing but it also may make a difference. But she is hurting not just herself but you as well and the only one you can control in this is yourself.

I am also going through this now with two very close loved ones: one terminally ill and an alcoholic, the other suffering from PTSD and MH issues. I have understood very recently that I have to go NC until they get help because I cannot fix this, I can only enable. I have alerted the doctors and other close individuals and now I have to stay away unless and until their problems are addressed by professionals. The fear that something awful will happen and I will be devastated by guilt hangs over me like a pall at times but if I do not get out from under it, everyone else I love will suffer too.

Be as kind to yourself as you can. You cannot fix severe damage in others but you can choose to focus instead on DH, DC and those who hopefully are not broken and with whom you can enjoy life.

Hi OP. I would write her a letter. Something that spells out how you feel and why you are worried about her. Say in the letter that you will always be there for her if she wants to get help, but explain that whilst she is like this it upsetting for you and so you will be putting boundaries in and not seeing her. With a letter, it is something she can reread, when she is calm and sober. It can sometimes make more of an impact than speaking. Wishing you all the best.

I have an aunt like this who uses sad things that happened years and yard ago as an excuse to stay in and drink. She is an alcoholic. Everything is a reason to habe a drink, not that she sees it that way, but the drinking then makes her more maudlin and it goes round and round. Her relationship with her kids is very strained, she says awful things when drunk and is awful when craving a drink too, won't leave the house after a certain time of day as she wants to drink and stays up late so isn't around in morning either.

It does sound like your mum has a similar problem I'm afraid, it's a heavy burden on you :(

Of course it's reasonable for you to feel frustrated, and it's not your duty to shoulder the entire burden yourself, forever.

First, does she have any friends? Can you contact them and get them to connect?

Second, can you conspire with her doctor to get her to see a therapist/counselor? It's good that you're "begging" her to see a doctor, but can you get the doctor's office to send her a reminder that she's "due" for a visit?

By the way, with her sarcastic thank-you, has she made it clear, or did you ask, what sort of "help" she wants?

Thank you all I have come back to lots more replies and I’m truly grateful to you all.

To answer some questions - she is mid 60s so not ‘old’. She has lots of friends but she has managed to alienate a fair few of them. One in particular has been very supportive and even went to stay with her for a bit after dad died, but even she has practically given up now because nothing ever changes. When I say my dad did everything I mean he booked all of their holidays, he drove everywhere (mum can drive but doesn’t like to go far), he was the one who made all the big life decisions. Without him it’s like she feels she needs another caretaker. It simply would never occur to her to book herself a holiday or even go out anywhere other than the supermarket. She had a bad fall last year while drunk and I took her to hospital. I spoke to the doctor and explained it had happened under the influence and that I was worried about her drinking. She was given loads of leaflets and information about support avenues but of course she never did anything and the next day tried to pass it off as not being a big deal. There have been so many incidents, arguments, dramas that are just brushed under the carpet because it is too difficult to discuss afterwards and that has really strained our relationship too.

I haven’t called her today after what happened yesterday and on one hand it’s a relief not to have to deal with it. On the other I feel guilty.

I will look into al anon. I have considered it many times in the past but never got round to actually doing it. It’s a terrible feeling when someone who you have been so close to just changes in a way that ruins your relationship. She hasn’t always been this way although drinking has always been prevalent.