Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

I will guess dementia. It sounds like it's escalating and I agree that notifying her GP of your concern is probably your best way forward right now.

I don’t think she is ‘ choosing’ to carry on as she is, she is obviously depressed and doesn’t have clarity over life choices, thoughts or feelings in the same way you or I do.
Hurt people hurt people.

I'm thinking dementia too with the comment that she has good days and bad. My mum was like that with her dementia - there would be days where she was normal & the next rambling and forgetting things - althoigh my mum was older when this happened

You need to stop the guilt. It’s helping nobody especially not you. Get professional help with that if you can and I promise it will make this whole situation a lot lighter. You have nothing to feel guilty over x

Alcohol-related dementia can present similar.

My dad died in his 50s.

Maybe she is also having memory problems as she sounds confused.

Can you get any help or info from Age UK or an assessment from Social. Services

You rightly sound very upset and concerned about the situation and rightly so. But you also need to put yourself first.

Don't let your Mother have you on a guilt trip. A lot of children would have walked by now.

Best of luck for things to improve for both of you 🤞

Best Wishes
👍
X

This will go against the tide but…she’s grieving and self medicating with alcohol. And you refusing to let her be with her grandchildren is making it worse. You say you feel unsupported? So does she, and her husband died. Not all mental health issues can be cured with a magic pill or by hearing ‘pull yourself together’. If you really care, take your children to see her and give her something to live for.

Unfortunately parents still see you as a child. My dad died couple of years ago, the most difficult thing has been moms behaviour, she losing her hearing refusing to see an audiologists, mobility has declined which has at least made her a bit more humble. I am quite poorly myself we have screamed at each other, my sister turned up looking like she was sorting things out year later I have to sort the mess out, today she has txted about 20 times. I really backed off for a couple of weeks I was physically struggling she was so ungrateful at times. Luckily I rang the hospice bereavement team they encouraged her to reengage, she is starting to take my advice I am 60 not 10. Maybe speak to her GP see if he can see her say you are worried about her mental health ? Dementia or social services safeguarding for the elderly. Help the aged are also quite helpful, they got her blue badge which made life much easier. Hope it gets better you.

I’m a bit younger than your mum but I would hazard a guess that she also suffered from empty nest syndrome when you/siblings finished school and moved out.

this of course is what was expected for you to do and no reflection of being a ‘fault’. I would guess that dad probably recognised that mom was at a loose end so thus he organised holidays etc to try and cheer her up.

as depression runs in my maternal family, two of my uncles sought help but DM refused to.

For a short time we got around that as she was in a care facility and the GP and I agreed she would be prescribed a minor dose for depression but as a tablet to ease her chest infection. All worked well until a junior tablet giver let on it was a ‘happy pill’ and mum would never take another.

your mum has to be on board and if she isn’t going to listen to you, I don’t know if getting a group of her friends together and having an intervention meeting is the go, but might be helpful so she doesn’t wrongly accuse you of wanting her to be medicated.

does she take any vitamins? I found magnesium a good mood stabiliser/leveller after menopause. Also helps with reducing leg cramps too. This might be something to try and that people find more acceptable.

attacking you isn’t fair. When you hear from her again, you should bring this up if she doesn’t and tell her how much she upsets you. Rather than use the word depression, say you think she is in a rut.

is she still living in the family home? I wonder if a move to an over 60’s village that has activities and clubs might be worth considering…

Hi @gloomytunes… Don’t be me. I had 30+ years of being the rescuer/caretaker to selfish, entitled, arsehole parents. I thought I was doing the right thing, but not only was enabling them, I was taking money and the most important thing - something you can’t ever get back - time from my DH & kids. I regret it now. They never respected or acknowledged anything I did and I know they weren’t remotely grateful.

She definitely needs medical help and bereavement therapy, any chance she'd see her GP if you made an appointment and went with her?

YABU yourself to tell the OP what to do. OPs mum isn't going to see this thread and OP needs help urgently! She's a good daughter who wants to help her mum!

@MerrycritictimeDid you miss the bit about how much effort OP has put in supporting her mum over NINE years? Or that mum in all that time has done nothing to help herself? It's entirely reasonable for OP to limit contact with her kids do their own sake and for her mum's too. She's a problem drinker if not a full blown alcoholic. It's not a good idea to introduce the kids into the trauma. OP is doing her best and has to think about her own mental health and her kids wellbeing.

You have got to be joking?
My grandmother was an alcoholic and became abusive. I was absolutely terrified of her even as a teen.
Having anyone around won’t make one bit of difference it will just give her someone else to be mean to. She won’t care that they are kids.
The damage my grandmother did to my mother was cruel.
She shielded us from her in the end.
Someone actively drinking cares about two things - alcohol and themselves.
That’s it.

We also had a situation like this in our family. Unfortunately no amount of support helped and she is now in a care home with alcohol induced dementia. Her home sold to fund it so no way back for her now. The toll on everyone has been awful but some relief that she is physically safe someplace with outbursts some what contained.

OP's children aren't emotional support animals for their drunk grandmother. No child needs to see that kind of behaviour.

My reading of this is she does spend time with her grandchildren. She just doesn’t provide childcare because she’s not able to .

That’s your experience. It’s not definitive and universal. (And not what the OP said about her mother). I’m sorry your grandmother was abusive but not all alcoholics are. It’s an illness and it’s destructive and it’s sad. But writing consolation drinkers off as selfish and beyond the pale is also sad. I didn’t suggest she let her babysit and have sole responsibility for them. Just that she keeps her in the family and visits her with her grandkids. If she’s abusive that’s another story of course.

That’s your experience. It’s not definitive and universal. (And not what the OP said about her mother). I’m sorry your grandmother was abusive but not all alcoholics are. It’s an illness and it’s destructive and it’s sad. But writing consolation drinkers off as selfish and beyond the pale is also sad. I didn’t suggest she let her babysit and have sole responsibility for them. Just that she keeps her in the family and visits her with her grandkids. If she’s abusive that’s another story of course.

It sounds like your dad kept things together and probably kept her drinking in check. Without his support she's left to her own devices. The bottom line is you can't fix this. It's perfectly ok for you to pull back for your own well being. Your mum needs to take responsibility for her own actions and the consequences. There's no need to be guilt tripped..

i would go to al anon, you need support
you can ask alcohol services also for her but speak to others about your own situation

As well as calling daily I do visit at least once a week usually with my younger child who is a toddler. My eldest is in school. I am happy for her to see them if she’s behaving normally and I’m there too but I won’t leave them there unless there are some big changes. I had my youngest with me the other day when we went in and she was weeping. Dc is too young to really understand but it’s not exactly a nice thing to see as a small child. I notice with this weeping it doesn’t seem genuine, it’s like she can turn it off. One minute she’s wailing the next dc speaks to her and she replies in a normal voice. It’s hard to explain but it’s very bizarre.

I’m sorry OP, it sounds a lot. For all of you. I hope you can come to some accord. Is it possible you can hug her and tell her you love her but worry about the effect it will have on her grandchildren for her to be so visibly bereft all the time, and that you will help her to get support for her mental health if she’s willing to give it a try? And tell her it upsets you too? It was your dad as well as her husband. I know it can be hard to be so openly loving and affectionate in families, when there are underlying issues and grievances, but maybe if you give her some sense of responsibility/agency re: her current effect on the children, and in a kind way, she will feel more appreciated and try to change? I don’t know, clearly it’s hard. Good luck

The first thing that struck me is dementia.

children notice more than we think