Awful encounter with mum

[gloomytunes]

Have a difficult relationship with my mum. We used to be very close. In the 9 years since we sadly lost my dad she has changed beyond recognition. I spent years trying to be supportive but she has chosen to make her life very small, she has quit work, doesn’t go out, drinks too much and refuses to seek help for her obvious MH issues despite me begging her to go to the doctors.

Despite this I still ring her almost daily and go round when I can. I visited at lunch today, it’s lovely outside but she was in her nightgown and weeping. Asked her what’s wrong, she can’t articulate it. Got her to come for a walk with me in the sun and she just started basically blaming me. Saying that since Dh and I got married I cut her out (a total lie - she has been on family holidays with us), she accused me of alienating my dc from her because I don’t let her babysit (with good reason - she’s either drunk or weeping). She keeps harping back to events that happened years ago such as a distant relative committing suicide in the 80s. She is full of bitterness and resentment. I know part of this is because she is struggling but it’s the total lack of willingness to make her life any better that gets me.

What she said today hurt. I know it’s not true. I know it’s a way of her putting the blame on me because she can’t take responsibility for her own actions but it still stings and it makes me think she’s probably framing it this way to friends and family.

Id had enough by this point so we left and as I got in my car to come home she shouted ‘thanks so much it’s been so helpful’ sarcastically. I just wish I had a normal, supportive mother. I know she can’t help it to an extent but equally she is choosing to carry on and not get any sort of help. Aibu to feel frustrated? How do I deal with it?

She sounds seriously depressed. Is there any point in sitting down with her and having a direct conversation about it?

I truly have tried. So have her friends. But she just flat out refuses to see her GP or consider medication. I don’t understand how she can think that this could be any worse than the life she is living at the moment. But she won’t.

Of course she can help it. She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. Your childhood…. Unhappy I’d guess?

I agree she sounds depressed. But this is just really unpleasant and refusal to do anything about it - means her daughter continues to suffer too

If she refuses help there really is very little you can do. That is so scary and stressful, but at some point you do have to draw a line and not allow her to use you as a punching bag.

If she won't seek help, your only option might be to respond to every text and call with 'The only thing I will do is bring you to the GP. If you're not interested in doing that, the conversation is over.' Cut off her source of release and you may break through the shell at some point.

There is a part of me that still believes what she says because she’s my mum and for a long time I just thought she was right about everything.
Childhood wasn’t ideal but I never really went without anything and felt loved.

Of course - mums can hurt their children in ways no one else can. But she's clearly very unwell and is lashing out. You've really tried to help her and she won't accept the help, so you're stuck. It's a hugely stressful situation to be in.

I think it's ultimation time unfortunately. Tell her that she either goes to her GP for help (and you will come with her if she wants) or you will have to cut visits and calls as you no longer wish to be her emotional punch bag. It is her choice for which path but it is your choice to stop being abused by her.

Then wait.

That sounds so stressful, and you have tried so hard to help but can't make her seek help, she has to be ready, which sometimes means hitting rock bottom unfortunately.
Do you think she is a risk to herself - does she do the basics of shopping, feefing and bathing herself etc? If she doesn't, you could explore a referral to social care to see if you can get her some support. She may respond differently to an external person suggesting to her to make changes. They are very stretched so might be a battle, but worth a try maybe

This sounds really hard OP unfortunately you can't force people to get help. The only thing you can do is issue an ultimatum - either she agrees to go to the GP and engages with treatment, or you will have to limit contact with her as what she's saying is hurting you. Put the ball in her court and if she refuses then it is her own doing. She can badmouth you all she wants to friends and family, but they likely know the way she is and will probably not believe her

My son in law has the exact same problem. I tried to befriend her and for a while we were having two outings a week. But then it was like she spent her life counting down to start drinking (around 2pm) and just wanted to live in the past. I've seen people burn themselves out trying to help relatives who have given up. It's sad, but they've got to have it in them to build a life for themselves. You tell her straight that you can't be her sole focus in life, but you will give any help she needs. Then you step back and visit when you can.

Do you mean along the lines of, 'You are clearly seriously depressed and unless you do something about it I will withdraw myself from your company and your life until you do - because this current situation is unbearable for me and it is obviously not helping you'?

Because it seems to me that the OP has tried everything else.

The mother in this scenario has given up on life, but for self-centred reasons wants to drag her daughter down with her. Sometimes love means having to say 'No', and applying some 'tough love' to a situation. The mother needs to help herself here. Step 1 is as simple as the mother telling her GP surgery she's behaving like this (or writing a short permission note to allow her daughter to make and attend the appointment).

Let her get on with it . You cant drag her out to make her life ‘ less small ‘ . My mum is exactly the same except she’s quite content with her life , no depression , no alcohol or any vices . Her idea now of a social life is speaking to the cashier in the local garage . I’ve given up trying to coax her out because we end up rowing .

Is she an alcoholic?

Have you considered gently explaining why you no longer want her to babysit ? Have you thought of asking her how she thinks your late father would feel if he knew how she was existing?
As a starting point I would be inclined to point out that you lost you dad when her husband died.
I hope you find some way forward OP, it is hard when we see people not accepting pathways to support 💐

I think your mum has a serious drinking problem. the depression, the nasty conversations, lashing out at you, going over old resentments, the dressing gown at lunchtime - all can be explained by her drinking way too much. Adding to that you won't let her babysit (correctly) - you can see her problem it is just that you are trying to find an excuse for it - depression/bereavement/whatever. In the end of the day she has a problem. Honestly you need to look out for yourself here. Cut back on how often you see her. When she starts being rotten to you get up and say "i'm not listening to this mum goodbye for now". If she is visibly drunk when you visit tell her you'll come back when she is sober.

There is an aphorism in alcoholics anonymous of "Poor me, poor me, pour me another". Many people with alcohol issues end up in a self-destructive cycle where they unwittingly dwell on, exaggerate and/or outright invent reasons to feel sorry for themselves to justify their drinking. Alcohol in large quantities is a depressant which then makes them feel even worse and so the cycle continues.

Can you write/call her GP and express your concerns? They won't be able to tell you anything but might be able to call her in for a check up.

There are several possibilities

1. depression
2. alcoholism
3. her personality
4. Dementia - my Mum had a thing about being "abandoned" and "never seeing anyone" although she was having 5 visits (3 carer/2 family) each day. She even called the police and told them she'd been locked in her home for 2 weeks without food .... unfortunately they kicked down the door to discover her with a full fridge, carer notes of her visits and then my brother turned up to have a cup of tea with her. It was a sign she couldn't cope alone anymore. Her dredging up things from decades ago might also be a sign - unless she's always done it!

One way or another OP she needs intervention. Does her GP do home visits?

Having done what OP has done and tried to help I would now be NC for just half of the things OP has said, to protect my MH and my kids from her abuse.
Depression isn't an excuse for everything. I live with depression and bi polar as do many people but we don't all act like twats and use it as an excuse.

Could it be dementia? Plus the alcohol?

Yeah, my mum used to phone me up saying there was no food in the house when I’d done a shop for her earlier in the day and the fridge was full.

When my grandparent got dementia they would just sit there weeping - we assumed they were crying about something specific (they weren’t). It was one of the first signs.

It sounds like dementia more than depression. Particularly in reference to the 80’s. People with dementia can get really nasty. It’s time you put her in a home.

I do think this is the case and have used that exact phrase many times. She can justify drinking because life is so terrible. She has injured herself in the past, fallen out with people, made a show of herself. I’ve had several of her friends on the phone over the years expressing their concern because she’s rang them absolutely shitfaced. But when I remind her of this she shrugs it off and acts as if everyone else is the problem.

I don’t actually think shed been drinking today but I can’t be sure. Either way it doesn’t help her at all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, it's really difficult for everyone. My Mum went through something similar with her Dad, it really was horrific for her, she said there was no helping him and it got to a point where they even lived in the same house but didn't speak. When Mum had Kids he suddenly became a model Grandparent, said sorry, explained alot, Mum understood him more but they were never close and he died when i was about six, she said she has forgiven him but can't forget. The only thing you can do is protect yourself, break the cycle, it doesn't mean you don't love your Mum but it can't effect your life like this forever. Why not try writing everything in a letter to your Mum? get it off your chest and if she want's help, let her know you're there. I really hope she can get some help. 💐