To be a bit upset about this at a toddler session?

[myfavouritedinosaur]

I take my two year old to a toddler group - it isn’t stay and play, it’s a structured session with a group leader. I’ve been going for four years (two children) so I know the group leader fairly well.

It was a new venue yesterday and the toilets were next to the room we were in. My DD had a runny nose so I went to get her a tissue and the door to the main room closed after me. It locked and you needed a code to get in. I was knocking on the door for ages but no one could hear me. It was the end of the session before people started leaving and I could get back in! Anyway, the group leader didn’t say a word, was just packing away.

I do get that it wasn’t her fault but surely she should have realised I’d been gone for a while? And show some concern? I also feel it’s her session, surely some responsibility to manage the building / warn people about the doors etc. I just feel a bit upset my two year old was on her own for a fair chunk of the session and no one seemed to notice or care I’d vanished.

I'm with you op that would have really upset me..

I agree so much with this. I just can’t understand why you think she’d leave her session to come and look for you, when she probably just assumed you were on the toilet, or had left to take a phone call?

also i think the leader was actually showing a great deal of care towards your daughter, as in your absense she was technically responsible for her and clearly watched her to help you out. You say you wouldn't disturb the group to take your daughter with you or to let leader know where you were going - but you expect her to disturb her own group by leaving to search for a grown adult?

You're also being really dramatic about how long you were gone for. 15 minutes is hardly anything! She's running a business and its not her job to chase up grown adults. She probably just assumed you were having a poo 😂 i would have!

Right! Can you imagine the AIBU OP would write if she'd actually just gone to the loo and the group leader had literally paused her session, left all her other clients, and come to search for her? It would be so humiliating 😂

"I was just using the toilet and suddenly there was banging on the door - the group keader had come to find me! I had only been gone a few minutes, I can't believe she had come to search for me, I had a stomachache and just needed a few minutes to use the bathroom, I am so humiliated that she literally paused the session and brought it to everyone's attention, i was so embarrassed!"

And to think every time a parent leaves the room, she has to time them, then stop the session and go and find them.

From another perspective maybe the 4 years of a relationship is why she didn't tick you off for leaving your daughter with her for 15minutes without asking?
It could easily be that in a new building she just hasn't conciously recognised how easy it is for parents to get locked out. She could possibly (wrongly) be thinking you're a CF that just sacked off half the class to chat to your mate or something. But given how long you've been there doesn't want to pick you up on it for a first offence.
Also, I'd have been freaking out in your shoes. It's a horrible panicky feeling that can come super quick when realising you're locked in or out. Even without your child.

Just to clarify I don’t think she should have left her session but could have opened the door. At the end of the session a ‘were you OK? Nice to see you … see you next week!’ I don’t think is asking too much; as I’ve said it was kind of the last you’d expect in a way! Anyway it has happened now and I don’t think we’ll go back, there are other things on Wednesdays I can do and as was made very clear yesterday we won’t be missed!

I think she should have noticed but it was your responsibility to tell her you were leaving the room.

I think it's weird. It's not a large chaotic toddler session, it's a small paid for sensory style activity session thing. So she should know your face and dd and should have noticed dd upset on her own ?

Furthermore she should have done a housekeeping style announcement at the start of group in a new venue.. the toilets are here, they lock after you etc so the code is this... or a note on the inside of toilet door wouldn't go amiss.

I definitely would have brought it up when you got let out! Who let you out - the teacher or a mum?
Next session after you all do the hellos and intros just ask for the toilet door code and say its because last week you got locked out, ha ha. And see her response..

You shouldn't let her vibe or facial expressions put you off speaking up for yourself and dd.. you pay to be there and she has health and safety responsibilities X

Oh I just reread it properly. I see. I think 15 mins she probs just thought you went to the loo and as you didn't say anything when you came back then that reinforced that
She deffo should have told people the code tho

Because presumably it was toilet paper that she was getting from the toilets.
I can use how it could easily happen. The group leader would be busy dealing with the activity she wouldn't be checking the parents.
In those situations I would always either take the child to the toilets with me or tell another parent where I was going and ask them to watch my child.

"I didn’t even get a thanks for coming this week which is kind of the minimum I’d expect thinking about it."

This seems to be about a much bigger issue about your need for recognition and thanks than initially presented. Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Imagine if the leader HAD made a fuss and OP was just in the toilet!

"I had a bad stomach and was a few minutes longer than I intended in the toilet. I was BEYOND HUMILIATED when the leader anxiously knocked on the door, demanding to know if I was ok"

Wow OP. This is awful, I'm gutted to read it. I'm shocked people are minimising you being upset about this. It would be so upsetting to know you've been essentially trapped away from your 2yr old for such a long period of time, knowing they might be getting upset looking for you and feeling abandoned, you don't know if anyone is keeping them safe or they're wandering somewhere unsafe because the child is your responsibility. And not being able to get back in.

It sounds like if the group leader had said 'oh my god, I'm so sorry, I should have thought to mention the door, I will make sure to let people know next time' you would have been like oh, fair enough, upsetting but move on. But the blase response is concerning.

I don't know what, if anything you can do about this moving forward, other than go again and tell the leader what happened and what you expect them to do moving forward. But you're not wrong to be so upset.

Was it one of the other parents leaving that meant you could go back in? So leader was not at all aware that you were locked out?

I really do think you should have told the leader that you couldn't get back in, if it was a new venue they need to make people aware or have a bell or something to get in if necessary, are you sure there wasn't a bell? They must have to shut the doors when kids start coming in so how to other kids/parents get inside?

I can see why no one noticed, if you've been going for a long time, it wouldn't be a stretch for you to say to a parent you knew, "could you keep an eye on DD for a minute, I'm just making a quick phone call", I'm pretty sure everyone else in that room, including the leader, assumed that was the case, and as your DD didn't become distressed in that time, no one realised she was actually unattended.. and they still don't as you didn't say anything to anyone when you got back in!

They haven't ignore the issue, they are completely oblivious to it.

I think it's hard to imagine a room where the toilet is simultaneously only a couple of steps away but also so out of the way that none of the other parents or the leader could see or hear you banging on the door and shouting for 15 minutes. Are there no other windows or anything that you could get to to try and attract attention?

Its not fully clear if you told the leader at the end that you had been locked out and that it has upset you - I understand you thought she should have noticed you had gone, but did you tell her you'd been locked out and she said nothing?

Was thinking that myself. What if a child got stuck outside one? If that would be possible of course. Should have a "housekeeping" chat at the beginning of these sessions, pointing out health and safety issues like this.

I've been in some newer buildings where the doors are so heavy and thick, no amount of banging on them would produce much sound on the other side. If you add in noise and music/laughter I can easily see how nobody could hear that banging. It sounds really scary for OP.

I think:

• it's good news the room isn't accessible to any tom, dick or harry to walk in
• what the leader should have said was 'oh dear, thanks for pointing that out, in future, I will remind everyone at the start of each session that it's not possible to access the room after the door is closed'

I think that would be a shame in some ways, I honestly do think that this was 'bystander effect' rather than them not caring .. other parents and the leader will have assumed if you were going to be out the room for a while, that you would have told someone you were nipping to the toilet / nipping to make a phone call etc. So none of them thought it strange that you were gone. Everyone thought 'someone else' was dealing with it (bystander effect).

If your daughter had become distressed or needed attention they would have realised immediately that no one was attending to her and tried to find you, but as it happened, she was okay and you just came back in without a fuss or mention, which reinforced that you being 'missing' for 15 minutes was perfectly normal.

I would have hated what happened to you but I can see why no one has realised there was even an issue, you really should have said something when you went back in.

I think not going back is very dramatic.
It’s a structured session. You’ve left the room. She’s running the activity and concentrating in that. She’s kept an eye on child/other parents are and no harm come to them. She doesn’t know why you left room - ibs, vomiting with morning sickness etc. You could have been posting mortified the group leader had drawn attention to you if she’s stopped session and come to find you.
I’d have just said sorry for leaving dd unattended but I couldn’t get back in I didn’t realise door would lock in this new venue.
It does seem sensible security that an outsider can’t get in room.

Agree OP. You are getting an oddly hard time here. I would also expect if a new venue has different features to other venues for that to be explained at the top of the class. The fact she didn't say 'if you leave, you need a code to get back in' is rather concerning and shows a laissez faire attitude to normal H&S practice.

This is what should have happened.

Yes. And with toddlers, they often need to go to the loo/ have a nappy changed mid class. It's pretty shocking there was no house keeping info at the top of the class.