Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

OP having a child means having a messy house. It’s just how it is. You can’t expect the house to be spotless and it’s unreasonable to put that on your mum. If it means that much to you then you need to do it yourself. Not many working parents with young children expect a clean and tidy house at the end of the working day, that’s something you’ve got to use your own time for once the kids have gone to bed. It’s really what the majority of working parents do and perhaps your mum has set and unrealistic idea of what is possible/expected that you’re struggling to let go of.

Can’t you just say to M
and dd, ‘let’s incorporate a half an hour tidy by dd (supervised by M) into the end of the sessions, I want to get dd into some good habits and the place is a tip after school lately’.

I think you are likely right but what a weird passive aggressive way to go about it.... kind of would be my mums M.O though.

My mother insisted on giving up her job to provide childcare for me. She approached me about it when i was pregnant and not the other way around. We started on 400 a month but then about a year in I upped it to 500. I can actually get a school bus for my daughter taking the mornings out of the equation but when I suggested it my mother was emphatic that she wanted to drop her to school.

My husband works shift so every 2nd week he does the school drop off anyway. He often has other days off aswel so frequently my mum will get a 7 days break. I'm off 3 weeks in summer so it's not really a bad deal for her.

I don't think the title of your OP is helping your cause here.

To all those saying get a cleaner surely all you're asking is that the house is in the same condition as when she arrived.
Maybe you could say to your mum that you're trying to encourage your daughter to be tidier so could she help encourage her. Here I've finished my coffee Lucy where do I put my cup? Where does your lego go? Shall we put it in the box.

Would you expect a cleaner to look after your daughter? You pay someone to do one job, not expect them to do the second for free. Yes, you could ask your mum to put dishes in the dishwasher but anything else is a bit cheeky. She obviously thinks you didn’t appreciate her cleaning efforts before so is now not bothering.

No but I’d expect a CM to ensure my daughter cleared up her toys, hung her uniform and cleared away her plate etc.

Would you not?

OP is asking for clearing up, not cleaning. 🧽

At 13 years old babysitting neughbours kids for a fiver I knew it was inappropriate to allow a child to create a big mess and then not help them clean it up.

Given the update i'm guessing the relationship is kind of complicated anyway....
I'd explain to her you know what a commitment its been you really appreciate it etc. But dd is bigger and is keen to do a cpuple of clubs after school and you want her to enjoy her retirement etc.

You're only paying her 40 ish quid a day!! No wonder she doesn't clean as well! Cleaners get >£15 per hour! Childminders more.

I get where you’re coming from, but I think it might help to look at this a bit differently.

Your mum might be fit and capable, but late 50s can still mean lower energy day to day. I’m mid-50s myself and honestly, some days I’m just knackered for no dramatic reason at all. You do end up having to prioritise and let a few things slide.

It may simply be that she doesn’t have the energy to keep on top of cleaning up after your daughter as well. That’s not necessarily lack of care, just capacity.

If anything, this could be a good opportunity to gently encourage your daughter to tidy up after herself a bit more.

And if it’s bothering you, I’d mention it to your mum, but in a light, non-accusatory way. Something like checking what works best for her rather than pointing out what isn’t being done.

I’d probably try not to overthink it too much. She’s spending time with her granddaughter, which is lovely, and the rest can usually be worked around.

I pay our part time nanny £20 an hour. She makes sure the house is tidy when she leaves. Your mum is “earning” much less so I wouldn’t have the same expectations of her keeping everything completely tidy.

Do you think maybe she wants to scale back her commitment? 3 days a week is a lot, I think.

At 5 your dd needs to start tidying jo after her self. She will have to tidy at school

put clothes in wash basket

plates to kitchen

toys away etc

how can she make so much mess in 2/3hrs

you said picks up at 2?

That’s early for school - always to least 3 /:.15 or even 330

Or maybe shes menopausal and irritable? She not a robot, she has her own life, issues, problems etc. Maybe a little empathy would be nice, after all the help shes given you?

I think it strange that there been a change in your DMs behaviour.
Something will have instigated this change and you wont know unless you ask her.
The money you pay her for pick up,take to school,pick up after school care for 3 days and 3 full days in holidays seems reasonable. Thats without housework.
But, if you feel it's no longer working for you perhaps use a before and after school club?

I couldn’t be bothered with this.

I’d book your DD onto the school bus in the morning, and into after school care for those 3 days.

Problem solved.

£500 is a lot of money! Very cheeky for her to be leaving you mess like that. With the funded yours available now you'd be paying a lot, lot less to send little one to a nursery or childminder and then she'd be doing educational things as well as you saving money and not having your house wrecked

I wouldn’t just totally drop her as you mentioned she gave up work to look after your child (albeit her idea) so she may be reliant on the money.

You just need to bite the bullet and talk to her. You’re not asking her to be your cleaner, just tidy up the mess made under her shift!

I don't think you're unreasonable, you're just asking that she tidies up as they go not that she scrubs the bathroom. both of you should be work on teaching your daughter to clean up after herself rather than you having to do all the work

Hi op can you not just say to your mum dd needs to tidy up her toys and school uniform can you just gently guide her to do this please it will save me going picking up after her each day as she knows this is what we expect of her but when your with her I think she expects you to do it which we don’t so if you can just tell her it’s time to tidy up she should do it herself.

The reception aged kids finish at 2pm where I am based. From year 1 they finish at 3.

I think you need to decide if you want her to look after your child or not. IF your child loves having her around, you just need to put up with the situation.

It does sound as if your mum feels a bit used. Only you can work out why that is.

Maybe ask her if she's happy with the current arrangement and if she wants to continue or if there is anything she'd like to change.

Perhaps another angle: is your child easy to deal with, redirect and take instructions? Are you ok with you mom enforcing ‘No’? Like if she was stern about not going through the bag, how do you and your daughter react?

i also don’t get how messy things are getting in just a few hours? Is she letting your child run wild? Is she allowed to not let her run wild? I wouldn’t tolerate one mess after another from a 5yo.

Also, is she really not cleaning after herself? She’s not taking her cup & plate to the sink?

Another part, maybe because you are actually home. Either way, if it’s not working for you then speak nicely about it and let her go.

Yes, but she isn't paying her to clean.

Love the usual kind of replies that make up their own version of what is happening....

OP is not asking her mum to clean her house. Who honestly believes that it's "exhausting" and too much to ask for cups used by the mother to just be put in the dishwasher after use FFS??

My mum used to do similar for me - I would come home to the toys etc but my mum would then wash up things they had used and encourage my kids to pick up toys whilst I made the dinner cos you know, she's a normal person who could recognise that I had had zero involvement in the mess being made in the first place.

OP yanbu but I think you will have to raise it and if she gets upset then it's clearly time to move to the after school club

How strange. Never heard of that