Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

Tell your Mum that you're fed up with tidying up after her and her services are no longer required.

If she wants the job and the ££££ she'll get her act together

It’s not the dgm who is dumping clothes, Lego and other toys all over the place!

She might be fit but maybe she is fed up taking care of your daughter regularly? She loves her and she doesn’t want to cause any inconvenience to you and maybe that’s why she doesn't say anything?!

Honestly I can't understand it either, it kind of feels deliberate. Like I had a bag of my daughters old clothes on a bag in the kitchen ready to take to charity shop and while my mum was here my daughter must have decided to go through it and put them on her teddy bears the floor was covered in clothes. Plus toys, dirty dishes etc. It's not the end of the world just perplexing as to how you could just leave it like that. I couldn't relax with the place like that

I think your Mum is getting a good deal actually. I don't think it is unreasonable for her to tidy up DDs toys (with DD) at the end of the day or to tidy away snacks and drinks that DD and she has had throughout the day. A paid nanny would absolutely not leave detritus around the house and then go home at the end of a shift. Or if they did, you would get rid of them!

You're going to have to either speak to her about it, let it continue and say nothing (and drive yourself mad into the bargain) or make other childcare arrangements.

Another vote for breakfast and ASC before it ruins your relationship with mum. Shame though as it worked for so long. It does sound like a dirty protest!
Honestly DD is fast approaching the ‘rather be with friends’ age anyway.

You pay her a lot of money especially when your daughter is at school most of the time. I wouldn’t expect her to start scrubbing bathrooms etc, but she should definitely be putting toys away, washing dishes, cooking etc 😬

You are paying her (term time) about a tenner an hour. She’s presumably doesn’t pay any tax / NI or lose any benefits / pension because she doesn’t declare it. I don’t think that’s bad going for somewhere that you can help yourself to a drink / snack / make a phone call / sit down whenever you need to. I think your title suggests you want a cleaner but actually you want someone that picks things up as they are dropped in order for you to clean them. On balance I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Something has clearly changed and I would be tempted to tell your Mum that you want your daughter in a childminder setting and make up a reason if she’s not approachable. You would get some discount (80% you pay or something like that if you have a childcare account) and I doubt it would cost you as much as it does to pay your Mum term time. Your Mum clearly had a moment where she decided she was doing too much. I think £500 a month that no one knows about is pretty good going for something that some Grandparents do for free. She’s not paying her own gas / electricity / hot drinks etc while she’s at yours either which all adds up. I don’t think she’s being completely unreasonable to leave it for you but I think it’s a bit pass agg. I couldn’t leave pots on the floor etc at anyone’s house especially if there was a token payment being made.

I don't think you're a spoiled brat, but your mum probably isn't being unreasonable either. I think you, reasonably, want something your mum isn't providing and that's causing friction.

The time your mum puts in for the money she's getting doesn't seem to be a huge amount - hard to be sure from your description, but sounds like it would be quite a bit less than minimum wage if you added up all her hours over the year. And she's been doing this for years and presumably you aren't paying into a pension for her or paying NI or the like. So if she's hit her limit on the tidying up, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to just stop. She may actually be at the stage where she doesn't really want to do any of it anymore but thinks you need her to so just keeps going.

At the same time, if you're working a full day I can see why you don't want to have to tidy up after a messy child (and also why you might want your child to be looked after in a way that encourages her to be tidy).

So I think it's a bit beggars can't be choosers. If you aren't prepared to talk to her about it and see if you can make the job rewarding enough for her to put a bit more effort in then you either need to put up with it or look for alternatives. But I think YABU to just expect her to do it for the money you're paying.

Not a full clean and tidy but leaving the house in carnage is totally unnecessary

£500 a month is, once tax free childcare is factored in, what I pay for my toddler to be at nursery 4 days a week, 8-5. Your mum is getting the same to do a school drop off and then watch a 5 year old from 3.15ish to 5, 3 days a week? That can’t be more than 3 hours a day of childcare.

I’m there no school wrap around care? Might be better using that … or a childminder

im with you on the tidying up after herself I always treat my daughters house as if it was my own , im 45 so a decade younger and im shocked at how tired I get regardless of being fit and healthy , we have spent years bringing our own kids up and I imagine the 3 days are too much and she just doesn’t want to say.

I do one day a week for my grandson and sleepovers etc but I told mine from the off I wanted these years to enjoy so I wasn’t committing to more , I want to enjoy my grandchildren and my life

I can not imagine taking £500 of my daughter to look after a granddaughter
Nor could I leave the mess that the child made in my care .
£500 is a lot of money
Maybe look at an after-school club
What about holidays though,do you need her for that , does she do extra in school holidays
So your paying £125 a week childcare ,but does she look after her for more hours in the school holidays .
She still might be cheaper in that case
But maybe your daughter is making the mess , because she is bored..if your mum isn't doing anything with her ,not playing with her or helping her do painting or something,that's probably why there's mess everywhere

What sort of mother passively aggressively stops doing things due to a comment misinterpreted? That’s awful

Is there a reason why she doesn't work?

The split shift is a bit crap. Why don't you speak to her and say this must be so much hassle for you going backwards and forwards, should I look at breakfast club for those 3 days?

Then she has an opportunity to say if she is finding it too much or has decided she hates you or whatever is going on.

You're not being unreasonable at all. You're paying her more than fairly and it sounds like she's making you life more difficult.

Maybe this but a couple of days a week after school club to start with? Perhaps your mum’s just getting tired of tidying/being committed to the amount of time for so long? Put your big girl pants on & have a chat about maybe your DD getting something out of after school club (unless you know she’d hate it) so your mum could do only mornings & have more free time? Good luck

She could be finding it all too much, to be able to tidy and mind a child.
Maybe, shes at the stage where shes only able to concentrate on one task at a time.
Something must have changed for her and how messy can it get with one school age child.
Wouldnt 20 minutes tidy the bulk of it

I am perplexed by all the people claiming you are expecting your mum to babysit and clean.... you are only expecting her to clear up after HERSELF and remind your daughter to tidy after herself, put toys away etc. ie something a decent babysitter should do!! I don't know what your mum is playing at but she isn't doing you a favour, you are paying her! I would be inclined to make other arrangements. It's soul destroying having a tidy house trashed whilst you are working.

Tell her to remind your dd to put away her toys after playing with them, as that is basically hinting that you're not happy with it without actually confronting her. I'd probably not say anything about the worktops if you have a dishwasher, surely they can't use that much stuff in an afternoon?

I'm going to go against the grain and say i think you're laying a lot for the hours she does and actually wether you pay or not leaving her mess for you is lazy, and so is not asking your daughter to do stuff as she goes.

if use before and after school club and look at either holiday care or your mum doing just holidays. She's clearly lost interest.

You’d pay a lot less for a childminder with those hours!

I think you have a few options here.

a)You either have a frank conversation with your mother
b) You could be a bit more tactful and have a word with DD about where she needs to put her uniform, where toys go when your finished with them etc and then ask your mum to remind her to do it.
c) You save yourself some money and cleaning up duty and use wrap around care