Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

I don't ask her to do anything.
If she put her own coffee cup in the dishwasher that would he a start.

Then she should stop taking the five hundred quid

Not as exhausting as a half marathon!,

She's being paid though...

You say she's fit and running half marathons but those need to be trained up for and they're not regular weekly events. Childcare is a stamina event.

I suspect it's a combination of she's getting tired out and she's expecting your daughter to pick up her own things now that she's 5 rather than have to be told all the time. She might need a break from childcare for a while.

Also, you're paying her for childcare, not housecleaning. Your mom is not your and your 5 year old's servant and that's what your expectations are looking at from an outside pov.

Think about hiring a cleaner instead of expecting your mom to take care of your house and your daughter on top of her own home.

Not for cleaning she isn't. She's being paid for childcare and the OP would've been stuffed without her for the last 3 years.

@Airwaverly did the £500 arrangement for childcare include cleaning up in the initial discussion?

Also, £500 doesn’t go as far as it did 3 years ago.

It could be that you need to discuss money / arrangement again, so that she feels valued and not taken for granted.

@Airwaverly Do you get your child ready in the morning and give her breakfast before your mother arrives?

I don't see the issue, other than you got used to her doing the cleaning and now expect it?

If you can't ask your mum to tidy up her dishes etc (which I agree, is reasonable) after babysitting then this is what you have. In all honesty, how long does it take for you to tidy up? 15 mins? 3 times a week? I wouldn't sweat it, I'd be pleased my mum was looking after the child, rather than a stranger and by your own admission, they've a great relationship. Some things are worth it.

Yes my daughter is dressed and fed my mum just collects her at the door.

You don’t want to put your mum’s nose out of joint because children are off school for 13 weeks a year remember!

First check she’s still happy with the childcare arrangement. Then offer to pay her more for that as it’s remained the same for 3 years. Then check if she’d also be happy to be paid additional money to keep the house in order on these days. And go from there.

From your OP it almost sounds as if she is leaving it deliberately messy - it sounds as if everything is strewn about rather than dirty, so I doubt a cleaner would help the situation. I do agree with pp that she is maybe trying to make some sort of a point. I’m not justifying this but it’s a potential explanation.

I think you either get DD on board with tidying up or look at other options such as wraparound care. I’m not sure how you could broach it without causing massive offence. My MIL does paid childcare for her DD (my SIL) and generally will tidy up her own mess but doesn’t do other housework. These threads always make me so thankful for my own DParents.

Could you say 'mum, are you still happy with this arrangement, or is it becoming an imposition' (leave out the fact you're paying her at this point I think: stuff you're paid for can still be annoying). That gives her chance to say if she's fed up with it, but you could also dig a bit deeper even if she says it's fine.

And if she does say 'it's fine' then I'd maybe say something like 'I just really used to appreciate it when she was younger and you were so kind about tidying mugs away and so on'

It's a tricky one, and I've been there too - it's disappointing when you come home and there's more mess than there would have been if you'd used a nursery.

You need to speak to her about leaving the house in a mess.
Look into wrap around care and summer clubs. Your daughter may enjoy it more than spending time in the house with your mum.
Does your mum rely on the income?

She’s basically a paid nanny. Are nannies expected to do house work? She should clear up after herself and the mess gc makes in her care, but outside of that?

Has your mum said anything to suggest that she is unhappy with the current childcare arrangements? I agree with another poster that she seems to be doing this on purpose, like a much less extreme version of a dirty protest to make some sort of point.

Does your daughter's school have an after school club and holiday clubs that your child could attend instead?

This!! You’d lower your costs and they’d be making a mess elsewhere!

These are my thoughts too.

Can you pinpoint why you’re struggling to have a conversation with her? Is it finding the right way to broach the issue, or are you nervous of her reaction?

I have found that most awkward situations can be approached with concerned curiosity. If you keep your tone of voice warm and kind, it’s almost impossible to say the wrong thing.

If she’s prone to dramatic reactions, you may have built up patterns of avoidance through your childhood. It’s not easy, but if you can, try to keep in mind that you’re two individuals (not a linked unit) and leave her space to have big feelings without feeling personally responsible. I have found, dealing with difficult people, that letting them get it all out, and then asking (kindly) “is there anything else?” will generally get you to a point where you can actually communicate.

Honestly? For 1:1 care to fit around school, plus all day in the holiday for 3 days a week, you’re getting a pretty good deal for £500! A cleaner is around £20 per hour - do you want to pay her the going rate for that?

maybe it’s time to look for some other form of childcare If it’s not working out for you any more

Ok... well she was (apparently) happy to do it previously so OP needs to have a chat and see what's changed.

I think you need to speak to her and ask her if she’s still happy with the situation. You do need to mention something about the tidying. But I would look into the breakfast club and after-school club and just send my kids there instead and save the money and use that extra money to get a Cleaner.
Your mum is your child’s grandma, so I would expect her to go over and beyond. She’s also getting paid a decent amount - Considering it it’s her grandchild.

No you should not! However she should be tidying up after herself and encouraging your child to do the same.

I used to do half a day's childcare for my daughter on a regular basis, which meant I had to shift my working days around, and it was unpaid. I used to find it very depressing to pick my grandchild up and take him home for lunch, only to find last night's and breakfast's dirty dishes in the sink. I always did the washing up, including the lunch stuff, but I did think she should have done at least the previous night's dishes even if she didn't have time to do the ones from breakfast.

That's all I'm asking for.

I wouldn't expect her to completely clean the house but i don't think you'd be unreasonable if you gently asked or suggested she consider putting her crockery in the sink/dishwasher when she's done or reminded your daughter to pick up her toys and clothes.

If we used professional childcare 52 weeks of the year for the hours you need (3 days a week of wrap around for 38 weeks and 14 weeks of holiday clubs), we’d pay about 25% less than you pay your mum. Given that you likely use plenty of your own annual leave to cover the holidays, the difference would be even bigger.

Tell your mum it’s not working for you and pay less for help that doesn’t leave your house a tip and cause you emotional aggro.