Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

I pay my mum a similar amount but for my 3 kids. She tidies and cleans for a couple hours before pick up. Does a load of washing firme at home then brings back next time she’s here. Runs through school work with them, makes their tea (often brings ingredients) and tidies up after tea too.
I often come home and find her picking up after the dogs and washing windows haha.
Yes I would mention to your mum - wrap around care would be cheaper and then you could afford a cleaner

But the OP isn’t asking her to clean as a separate task, she’s asking her to tidy up as part of looking after a 5 year old so it doesn’t look like a bomb has gone off. It’s not like she’s asking her to do a deep clean of the bathrooms on the side.

I think you should tidy those few days, or better still supervise your 5 yr old to do it. You’re paying less than market rates and it surely won’t take more than 10min. Plus it’s not even every day.

Lucky to have such a helpful mum!

your mum is being paid less than the minimum wage. Maybe you haven’t increased her pay in the5 years she has been helping you?
you need to have a conversation

People are reading what they want to read, not what’s there.

If I was babysitting/minding, part of that remit is to get a five year old to tidy toys, put there stuff in the dishwasher and hang their clothes.

CMs don’t allow their charges to just run amok do they? No, they encourage and organise them to do all
the above.

YANBU OP, although according to some, you’re leaving cereal across all work surfaces, milk all
ovrr the floor, toast crumbs in the bed and expecting DM to do a deep clean every 45 minutes!

You're paying your mum 500 quid a month for less than 4 hours of child care 3 days a week - so over £25 an hour? Think shes the one taking advantage...

I really am - she’s a life saver.

But it’s also something we agreed on before she started.

If I were OP I would either have a conversation about doing something around the house, or wrap around plus cleaner. The current situation sounds hard work and infuriating. Mum isnt doing her a favour - this is paid work.

Is it? Not by my calculations.

Yes you need to have a chat asap. She might not be happy about the arrangement as it might not have occurred to her to start with that it would go on after dd started school. Realistically if she is a young gp of working age then the current arrangement stops her getting a job elsewhere and if that’s the case the £100+ per week doesn’t cut it.

Hold on got my maths wrong there, never was my strongest skill 🤣

I'm wondering if this is the reason. She's about 10 years until pensionable age, I was wondering why she doesn't have a job. She may well want or need full time work.

Yes I wouldn't clean and babysit for what you are paying op.

I think you are lucky she did both for as long as she did.

Maybe start showing your DD how to hang up her uniform etc: she's old enough to do some of this.

I would ask your mum if she’s ok because you’ve noticed that the place is a mess when you come home when used to be tidy, and the change has caused you to reflect on the situation, so you just want to check if the arrangement is still working for her, or whether she would like to amend it. Reiterate that you really value her support but you understand if she would like a bit more free time or to change the routine.

But it is still about 12.50 an hour, and I’m going to assume it’s ’tax free’.

I would definitely expect the house to at least be in the state I left it at the bare minimum. But that doesn’t even feel like a fair arrangement. I’d be looking for wrap around care - c £15 a day, plus 3 hours cleaner a week £45= £360 a month ish

The nasty part is treating your mum like hired help.

Why can’t you read that OP does the breakfast things?

She wants paying for the tidying. She’s showing you what she does by not doing it so you see the work she puts in.

She's paying her mum and only expecting the mess made when her mum is there to be cleaned up. How is that nasty?!

I think there's something not being said. Taking into account school holidays, she's being paid very little for her time.

Could you casually bring up the fact you’re thinking of getting a cleaner once a week, because the messy house is getting too much for you, and see what she says…it might trigger her to tell you the reason she has stopped keeping tidy, or make her realise how much mess she’s leaving behind.

I have something similar when my mum watches my boys (which is very rare so not worth bringing it up) but she will let them make so much mess, leave her own mess everywhere (cups, plates), doesn’t even move the boys dishes off the dining table into the kitchen (or get the boys to do it themselves). its the same if you’re at work - you take your cup to the kitchen, rubbish in the bin, but nobody would expect you to start hoovering and dusting your office… you just don’t leave so much mess for someone else to clear up after you.

🤣🤣

She is paid and I would expect a paid childminder to supervise my child enough to ensure they cleared up after themselves.

I’d also expect my DM to bring my child up well enough to ensure they cleared after themselves.

Again the DM is not clearing up breakfast stuff.

For whatever reason she is no longer willing. Maybe she expected the arrangement to end once your child started school? I would organise wrap around care term time and ask your mum if she is happy to help in the holidays and if not organise holiday clubs

It may not be working for her any more , she's older and as a nan myself I can say I find childcare very tiring. The older I get the more it tires me . Why not have a conversation or a text and ask if she's still happy to do it or if she'd like to cut her hours down . It can be also very tying to not be able to do your own thing , see friends , hobbies etc . I can understand the toys being everywhere but not the dirty pots left around , it does seem as if she's not happy about something . .