Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

This is perfect.

Some people seem to be misinterpreting what the OP is saying. She’s not expecting her mum to clean her house, just tidy up the things she’s doing/using with her child. This really isn’t unreasonable.

Was DD napping during those earlier years which gave your mum downtime to tidy up? Perhaps DD is just more full on now, or more interesting and engaging and your mum prefers spending time doing fun stuff with her, rather than tidying?

I think because you mentioned how mum used to clean and leave house spotless it implies you want mum to go back to doing this level of cleaning rather than just being a bit tidier.

Is your mum off out the door as soon as you finish at 5pm? If she is that suggets to me she's had enough! Why not invite her to stay for dinner (and watch DD) while you tidy up before you can start to cook and perhaps she'll see how much there is to do.

What does your mum do the ret of the day? Tbh if she's keeping her house spotless I can see why she doesn't fancy doing more cleaning and tidying when she's at yours.

My you don't want much for £500 a month do you, childcare and a house keeper! I would imagine your poor mum was fed up leaving the place immaculate in the evening and then walking back into a tip in the morning, after all you are that bloody lazy you can't be arsed to tidy the breakfast mess. Your mum no doubt feels very taken advantage of and is now trying to teach you not to take the mick.
Maybe you need to pay for childcare and a daily cleaner.

Pssst. It's not free

I’d do breakfast club and after school club and pay a cleaner..

Exactly this. I did a similar calculation but assumed that there are six weeks each year when OP’s mum isn’t needed.

around a tenner per hour pay. 3 days every week that she isn’t free to do whatever she wants. Petrol to come to and from OP’s home and school.

she may love spending so much time with her granddaughter. I’m sure it’s a positive relationship on the child. But don’t pretend that it’s a good financial deal for mum.

in those 3 hours each afternoon, is your mum playing with your DD? Is she sorting out a snack? Is she helping her to change her clothes? Does she sometimes go to the park of scooter to the shops? During the school holidays, does she take DD anywhere? Does she do crafts with her? Go puddle jumping? Watch CBeebies when she’d rather have a cup of tea and watch tennis? You’re not telling me that mum sits on her bum all day every day, ignoring your child.

yes, I’d expect her to take her mug to the kitchen. But surely that’s an easy convo to have with her?

Does she NEED the £500? Does she rely on it?

I'd not be having my mother and kids leaving a mess for me to sort out after work. £500 to a family member isn't a small amount, 3 times a week for what? 3 hours per day? It really would not cost that much more, if at all to use after school clubs and breakfast clubs tbf.

And why do you feel you can't speak to her about it btw?

Insane the level of incomprehension on this thread.

OP has never said she wants 'childcare and a housekeeper'. She would like her DM to keep the place in some kind of order while minding DD, which is reasonable. She pays her mum, they have an arrangement.

If it isn't working for DM any more, she should be saying so to the OP.

The OP is absolutely not UR to expect a better situation while her DM is there.

Also this: after all you are that bloody lazy you can't be arsed to tidy the breakfast mess is completely mad. OP DOES tidy up - when she gets her lunchbreak, and the kitchen is then tidy for the afternoon. OP explained clearly why she hasn't time to do so before her first call. It also doesn't sound too bad, just that OP can't clean up after breakfast until later in the day.

Such a nasty post.

Are you incapable of reading? When my mum arrives the place is TIDY. Everything is put away and washing up done. I would NEVER EVER expect her to come into an untidy house.

Family as childcare is so fraught with difficulties OP.

You’re not wrong - from what you describe, you’re not asking her to do anything more than the day to day tidying that comes with children.

like a PP says - maybe time to do breakfast and after school club and see if your mum will cover holidays?

There's a difference between caring for a toddler and a school age child. I always preferred the toddler stage

Maybe your mum feels the same

My calculations may be way off but it seems that you are paying less than the minimum wage and expecting her to be your cleaner too.

Try paying that amount to a childminder for the pick ups, drop offs, hours at your place and the full days in the holidays.

Sounds like she's had enough of the whole thing now OP. It's showing as this for now. I'd probably sort something else out before the "from September I won't be able to sit regularly anymore ' conversation happens.

It sounds like toy mess - 10 mins whip round and its gone! Anything like dog hairs and grime from breakfast or otherwise is on you OP!

You're finishing work at 5pm and cleaning just like everyone else.

Some people's reading comprehension is shocking. OP says the place is tidy when her mum comes, she is only expecting her to put any dishes used in the dishwasher and stuff which has ended up out when her mum is in charge, put away! I've worked as a nanny and that is exactly what i would be expected to do, plus kids laundry.
OP, you're probably going to offend your mum however you approach it, but it would seem like putting your child in before and after-school care would solve some of the issue.

As hard as it might be you need to have the conversation with your mum.
i agree that she doesn’t need to clean but she should at least tidy up after your daughter, you are paying her.

Sorry but £500 a month?!
Obviously in school holiday time you would expect to pay that a month but it sounds like she is doing approx 4 hours of childcare for you for 3 days a week?
I use a childminder and for similar levels of childcare during term time that costs me approx £280-£320 pm….
I would like someone else has suggested use a breakfast/afterschool club or registered childminder. There is absolutely no way I’d pay £500 every month and come back to my tidy house being trashed!

This, your dd will have learned tidy up time at school… why’s she making such a mess in such a short time at home?
if she’s just dumping things around herself like Lego… that’s it gone!

I can't understand how it can get so messy between her finishing school and 5pm? Plus she is 5 not 2, what on earth is she doing?!

The wrap around care is so much better for you as then your house will be as tidy as when you all leave in the morning

And if you’re not having to pay for Mum (wrap around might be cheaper?) you could get a cleaner ?

If you don't feel able to ask her why she doesn't tidy up any more, why don't you say you've decided to use wrap around care now your daughter is older. The care could be all three days or maybe just two and then you only have a messy house one day a week. She could still have your daughter in the school holidays. It will save you money and tell your mum you prefer your daughter to be mixing with other children at the after school activities rather than being on her own. It will be good for your daughter's development and she'll enjoy seeing some of her friends in a less formal setting than school. Maybe your mum could take her and pick her up still so they get interaction but she wouldn't need to be in your house very long. It's your daughter, you make the decisions and she has to go along with it. As your daughter grows older there will be many changes along the way, and adjustments.

£500 is really expensive for after school care at this age - I have no idea why she is finishing at 2 and not 3. Ours is £100, less after tax free as you would likely be eligible for that. We all pay a cleaner £35 for a couple of hours. I think you need to rethink this

Can I just check, 3 days a week your mum leaves home to come and collect your child morning and afternoon. Does the school drop in the morning and transport home 3 days. Has maybe 90 mins to make your daughter after school snacks and have 1:1 play. And provides 18 days plus full child care a year?

Maybe your daughter needs more food and more stimulation from your mum now than before so your mum has less time to tidy.

I don't think that's a bad deal for £125 a week tbh.

Maybe chat with your mum about alternatives to messy games and leave prepared snacks so she doesn't have to use the kitchen.

Be cheaper and easier to put your child in breakfast and after school club surely?