Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

Thrn you must then reevaluate this arrangrment, and employ someone else if you are unable to talk to her about it. I guess you will then pay more but get what you expect.
You are also paying for convenience of saving time on those days. So it isn't just 4.5 hours of childcare/day. And others sayong thst you'd pay less than £500/month for less messy hous forget about it.

OP- say “ Mum I really appreciate what you do, but are you finding it all a bit much now?” Then when she says “why?” Say “ well, I notice you used to tidy up for me which was really nice of you, but you’ve stopped doing it now, can I ask why?” You shouldn’t really have to tread on eggshells but you need to know why.

Maybe she's just getting a little resentful after five years and wants out. Just because she runs half-marathons doesn't mean your mum is happy to tidy up

And does she also walk the dog?

Can't you just talk to her about it?

I'd approach it like this, "Mum, we're really trying to instil good habits in DD, but she does need reminding. Can you ask her to; put her uniform in the washing basket etc etc. please? Otherwise I am chasing my tail all evening when I finish work because the place is a mess."

The conversation about your DM's mess might be more contentious but the kids stuff is not a hard conversation I wouldn't have thought?

I agree with u op ur mum shouldn’t be doing cleaning but she should be tidying up with u daughter as they play if she is engaging with the play or allowing all the toys ro
be out .Start telling ur daughter one toy goes away before the other comes out. Tell your mum ur doing this and ask her to do it too. Also trying to get them out the house more now nicer weather is coming should help too.

That’s not unreasonable of you then.

Ask her then.

She's giving up time in the morning for school run plus 3 hours an afternoon on 3 days a week (plus her travel time twice a day). And she's doing 3 full days a week for 13 weeks of the year and hasn't had a pay rise (or conversion about if she is still happy) in 3 years?

I think she's quietly trying to tell you that she either doesn't want to do this or doesn't feel rewarded enough to do 'extra' above just watching your daughter.

Your mum has got older, your daughter has probably got more demanding and I think you need to ask her if she's still ok with the agreement (but have a plan B in case she says she isn't!)

Interesting that neither of you has actually broached the subject with the other. Are you both usually so passive?

Exactly-most mums would help, question is, why did she stop?

Maybe granddaughter making more mess than she needs to and not tidying up after herself, is what has changed. Tidying up after a toddler who doesn't know better is one thing. A 5 year old dumping her uniform on the floor, leaving snacks lying around etc is another matter. Or perhaps she felt taken for granted.

If you aren't completely comfortable with asking her outright if she's still happy with the arrangement then I'd maybe test the waters by saying something like ''Could you remind Emily to pick the Lego up when she's finished please?'' and see what her response is.

Or it might be the time that it has naturally come to an end with her at school now and just using breakfast/after school club would be cheaper anyway.

These replies are odd and PPs are acting as though you’re expecting your mum to deep clean your whole house whilst babysitting.

I don’t think YABU to expect her to tidy up after the mess made from toys, games and food etc. whilst she’s looking after your DC, in the same way you’d expect her to make lunch/ snacks/ drinks for your DC when babysitting (although judging by previous posts, people will be along soon to say YABU not to provide your mum with a chef to do this).

OP I think some posters are expecting you to have your mum clean your house.

I assume you mean you just want her to clean up after herself/DD.

I wouldn’t expect it to be spotless but I also wouldn’t like clothes left on the floor and loads of dirty dishes left out.

I think there needs to be a middle ground and for that you need to have a chat to her and just ask if she can put dirty dishes in the dishwasher etc.

This is a tough one
She's saving hundreds per month so id bite my tongue. Get a cleaner?

I feel your pain, op. I had a similar arrangement when my kids were small. It worked well (my mum asked to do it and was paid) but I used to get home and it was such a mess and my mum used to offload a lot of crap to my house. It felt like she was taking over.

It might well be the same cost or cheaper to put your daughter in breakfast/afterschool club, or go to a childminder. And your house would be tidy. Would your mum do school hols for you still? As that would be harder to find. I think she's being a bit lazy not even taking her coffee cup to the sink. £42 a day for a school run and 2 hours childcare is not cheap.

MMm it's an interesting question. As your mum used to keep your house spotless while looking after your child, and now no longer does, I would say she actively doesn't want to do that anymore because maybe she doesn't see that as part of the arrangement. When my kids were young school age, my in laws and my parents would take a day each after school once a week to pick the kids up and bring them home / feed them. My mum would never in a million years tidy up (in fact would bring articles and other bits to leave around the house) but my in laws would always clean and leave the place even better than they found it! I think it depends on the people involved whether this is something they feel they want to do. 3 x days a week every week is a lot to ask of your mum, maybe she is letting you know she is getting tired of the arrangement?

Having done a back of the envelope calculation, you are not paying your mum minimum wage... I used 4 hours a day x 3 days and 52 weeks a year divided into the £6K per annum, which came out to £9.61 and minimum wage is £12.71. Your mum is really getting the short end of the stick, she is working three days a week and really cannot to do much with the time from school drop off to school pick up. I doubt you are paying her on costs or making pension contributions either, so I would say that this is probably not working for her any longer.

Her mum's not paying tax or NI on it though and gets free coffee and wifi too..

@Airwaverly - could you ask your mum to get your dd to tidy up after herself, when she’s playing - because that is a good thing for her to learn? Obviously it wouldn't be perfect, but things might be more manageable.

Are you actually saying there’s a big mess in your house between your DD and DM created between 2-5 on three days a week? And you can’t handle this mess? How many cups of drinks and coffees of your mum’s are we talking about here?

How much would it cost you to employ someone else?

Lots of people here oddly reacting as if OP expects this help for free, when she clearly says she pays and quite well. Nannies do tidy up ime! But OP it does seem as if you didn't agree on what you were paying her to do so now it's awkward to retrospectively introduce terms. Only you know if you can bear a clarifying conversation, but it might be easier to just pay someone you don't have an emotional relationship with.

I'd approach it like this, "Mum, we're really trying to instil good habits in DD, but she does need reminding. Can you ask her to; put her uniform in the washing basket etc etc. please? Otherwise I am chasing my tail all evening when I finish work because the place is a mess."

I'd go with that.

I think you are underestimating what you are getting here, and specifically the benefit to your daughter. I get that you are annoyed about the mess, and I would be too.
But at the same time, your mother is not just 'childcare'. Unless she is sitting around scrolling her phone and watching TV with your daughter in the background - She is essentially bringing up your daughter when you are working, talking to her, reading to/with her, stimulating her with conversations and activities, maybe taking her out to the park or activities, etc. Personally, I think this is worth its weight in gold, and absolutely not comparable to parking a child in after school clubs with 30 other kids and no individual attention, and bringing them home exhausted and really late, when they could have the comfort of relaxing after school in their own home (important when they are little and school can be quite full on).
I think she should tidy up after herself (eg plates in dishwasher etc), but I would be less fussed about the lego etc. If you were a SAHM, you wouldn't suddenly tidy up at 5.30pm, you would probably do it at dinner time or when they go to bed. She may be assuming this is what happens.

I regularly run and am very active every week. I've done half marathons and do a couple of 10k races a month. However my energy levels are shit and I'm always mentally exhausted even if I'm not physically exhausted, and TBF most days I slack on tidying up as much as if like to.

My point being that her running half marathons had nothing to do with the energy of day to day drudgery and life