AIBU to want my parents to hear my side too?

[Sofedup15]

It's a long one.
I had a fall out with my brother and his gf after some pretty bad behaviour from them.
My parents said they wanted nothing to do with it didn't want to know what happened. Fair enough.
But my mother kept making sly comments to me about things my brother was saying to her.
I asked her numerous times to stop, told her I was annoyed she obviously has listened to what he says yet won't hear wat I have to say.
After months my brother decided I could no longer see my nephew, I'd been ringing him once a week and taking him out monthly.
My mother delivered this news to me. She didn't feel it was unreasonable.
It finally came to a head a few months later when she told me my brother was annoyed I hadn't sent him a birthday card from my 7year old! My brother had not tried to keep any relationship with my child at all over the last year.
I told my mother than until her and my father would listen to what I had to say as they do with my brother I would not be contacting them. I told them all I want is a conversation with them.

A few months went by with no contact, they have completely ignored my 7year old who they spoke to daily and I brought to them 2times a week.

They turned up at my door unannounced after Christmas and handed my eldest son, 20, a bag of gifts. I contacted them and told them I would be returning the gifts to them. I told them to have a conversation with me, I explained I don't expect them to rake sides I just want them to listen, but I then I said they are welcome to come give my kids the gifts in person the way it should have been.
Nothing, no response.
My aunt passed away, I attended the funeral totally alone, my parents sat behind me and laughed with my brother and his girlfriend, completely ignored me.

I'm so hurt, more so for my kids, especially my 7 year old who was so close to my dad.
My dad has cancer he has gone through chemo and I know nothing about how he is or how my parents are coping.
AIBU for my behaviour, for wanting my parents to hear what I have to say
My brother has always been golden child, for example my parents bought me my house I paid every penny of it back to them, almost like a mortgage, while working PT and a single parent. My brother was bought a house that cost 3 times my house he works ft lives alone, never had to pay a penny back. They recently bought him a car, even though they constantly complained about his huge debts that he won't pay and his gambling habit.
I miss my parents but I can't continue to live the way I was

But what was the original fallout about? Is it worth cutting out your parents from your sons' lives?

Have you read the OP? I would not want them near my children

I mean it depends on how unreasonable the OP was during the original fallout with the brother. If it was over something very minor I can see why the parents would take the brother's side and think the whole thing was a non-issue

It's long so I didn't go into all detail. My mum was unwell my brother rang me to tell me I was over an hour away. He lives less than 5mins away. He told me my dad was refusing to phone an ambulance.i told him I'd ring find out what was going on and I'd let him know.
Spoke to my dad my mum was very unwell I finally made him ring ambulance. I started to make my way to my mums house rang my brother for a full 45 mins. In this time ambulance had arrived and blue lighted mum to hospital. Dad had had a round of chemotherapy that afternoon he's 70 and wasn't to great himself.
My brother didn't answer his phone
When he rang me back 45mins later he said oh my phone was on silent me and girlfriend were watching a movie.
I was livid. He knew mum was ill knew she probably needed an ambulance and he just decided to switch of. Not once in 45mins did he think of my mum or dad.
His girlfriend, who I have met once, and who has been rude to my parents, then txt me and 'told me of' for making my brother feel bad when all he was doing was watching a movie with her! This is a 40 year old woman with 2 children.
My brother has always been selfish, always expects me to do everything, always get handed everything.
Only 2days previous my dad had asked me to speak with my brother as he keeps 'borrowing' money from them and not paying it back. He works 2 jobs one ft one PT lives alone in a house bought for him yet has zero money.
My dad rang to tell me he was changing his will so my brother couldn't waste all my parents money so he was taking us both out of the will and leaving everything to their grand children.
My brother is a waste of space he's there wen he wants money that's it so no I don't believe the fall out was unreasonable it was the star that broke the camels back

My heart goes out to you OP because I know how much this hurts. Only you can decide what to do but what I would say is, you don't deserve this, but your children definitely don't. How dare they treat you like this? I personally would go NC or take some long space, but that is very painful in itself

Thanks think that's wat I'm going to do. Just forget and move on. It is hard but at least by reading this I've seen ppl can understand why I'm doing so and that means a lot

Send them a letter or email giving your side of the story. I would say, since I'm being punished anyway you might as well know what actually happened. If they read it/believe it or not you will have got it off your chest. And they will have to live with it too.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post and ur right a letter would just be laughed at or used against me another time. Ur also right about extended family, I don't actually see them much so think I'm just gonna fade away from them also.
I'm just so worried about my dad becoming really ill or worse and people will think I'm such a bad person for not being around. But I know the truth and I'm happy I can live with that and move on

Only 2days previous my dad had asked me to speak with my brother as he keeps 'borrowing' money from them and not paying it back. He works 2 jobs one ft one PT lives alone in a house bought for him yet has zero money.

That was wrong of your Dad as it was on him to sort and nothing to do with you. I've had it done to me - you try and sort it and both sides turn on you.

Also had the run up and sort care despite them being much closer - and then nitpicking when I did - and the bad attitude to ill parent. Problem is against the favoured one I can never win and even when parent is upset with them it's soon forgotten - other one is nasty to me. There's a lot of shit stiring from parent - that I didn't see easily - was given copy of games people play and realised I was being shoved in a role.

It is diffcult as we are some distance away and if parent doesn't contact me no idea what's going on - upshot is though I can't change or fix the situation and frankly with one sibling it's dangerous to me to be round them and parent has excluded me and my kids form family things in past. It's a mess - one I need to keep away from my kids and from me.

Who did what in end doesn't really matter - it's how you proceed - and if they won't talk then that's where you are.

Op I’m not sure why you need to have this big official conversation. It doesn’t need to be a pre planned event with a slide show, if you want them to know then just say ‘brother did xyz and this is why I’m pissed off.’

They sound awful. But equally you have played into the drama somewhat. I would just cut them all off. Your kids don’t need petty, vindictive people in their lives.

You are right. any time I tried to say anything I was v quickly shut down I wasn't allowed to speak. Your totally right it has been such drama and I now don't imagine any resolution I can be happy with so I'm walking away and moving on

As if they’d read a letter or calmly listen to you. Never in a month of Sundays . They are unpleasant, nasty people.

So be cracking open the champagne that your children aren’t going to be subjected to the same kind of games and nonsense that you have endured throughout life. Until now

I really hope you do mean that

They ignored a young boy of 7 their grandson... id walk away and let them see how it feels to lose you all.

It hurts like hell when you can clearly see you've been wronged but the other parties gang up and turn it on you. What hold has your brother got on your parents, do you know why they've taken his side? It's not something you can get over in a short time so don't expect to, just think well you've all shown me who you are so good luck with that. Easy to say but hard to do xx

Try the stately homes thread.

And do not send a letter, things are always taken the wrong way.

you are best off staying as you are for now with NC.

Your parents won’t want to hear your side. They will remember brother knew mum was poorly, brother phoned you, you phoned dad and ambulance came for mum .they will not want to know the rest.

YANBU at all, I am sorry your parents have treated you like this, it is completely unacceptable. Was there similar behaviour toward you when you were growing up? x

This all feels very familiar for me, except it’s my sibling that’s the issue 🙄 sadly my parents are stuck in the middle. What I’ve learned is that I need to concentrate on me and my family. I can’t keep trying to build bridges I didn’t destroy! Once I worked that out there was a huge sense of relief, I’ve spent my whole life people pleasing and trying to make my sibling happy and for what?! They’re awful to me. My parents are aware how I feel and support me. I feel sorry for our children in all of this, especially my niece who I’ve been cut off from communicating with, but one day she’ll be old enough to understand what’s gone on and that I tried to maintain contact. It’s sad yes, but that’s how it is now and I’m much better without my sibling in my life.

I agree with this. The most important responsibility of being an adult is prioritising your own immediate family and the future generations. Your children need your finite emotional energy invested so that they can have an emotionally healthy independent future - all the other adults from family of origin have their own accountability and it’s not for you to try to fix stuff that you can’t.

This is so true to me I've been a people pleaser all my life and now it's making sense to me maybe why I've been like that

Tbh when I think about it and put it all together yes. Outwardly I was treated well and I think that's why I have never realised until now. But yes I was always seen as the one who caused issues.
I left home at 16 I couldn't wait to get away. I returned briefly for about 5months when I was totally homeless I paid in £50 a week I'd no issue with that. My brother lived at home until about 25 and refused point blank to ever pay a penny. He was bought his first car which he wrote off in an accident he was bought another. He got points for speeding my mum pretended she was driving and took his points to protect his insurance. I could think of many instances now when I delete deeper I suppose I just haven't ever wanted to see the truth before
Thank you

There’s no such thing as ‘just hear my side’ you want them to take your side.

are you willing to write off your relationship over it. Only you can say because from your message it sounds like you’re all slightly unreasonable and no one can say who is most unreasonable. Also there’s no benefit here from pointing fingers bit all sounds quite toxic all around

@Sofedup15

Wow!

So, even when your dad realised your bro was a money drain, his solution was to cut you out too?! Not leave it all to you instead to make up for all the inequality and unfairness already dished out…. that says it all really doesn’t it.

Defo don’t write a letter, go NC, and enjoy the peace!

Ref wider family, maybe give them a chance after some time? They may well be very different to your immediate family, and you may be glad of them at some point.

Stay strong, you’re doing great!