AIBU to want my parents to hear my side too?

[Sofedup15]

It's a long one.
I had a fall out with my brother and his gf after some pretty bad behaviour from them.
My parents said they wanted nothing to do with it didn't want to know what happened. Fair enough.
But my mother kept making sly comments to me about things my brother was saying to her.
I asked her numerous times to stop, told her I was annoyed she obviously has listened to what he says yet won't hear wat I have to say.
After months my brother decided I could no longer see my nephew, I'd been ringing him once a week and taking him out monthly.
My mother delivered this news to me. She didn't feel it was unreasonable.
It finally came to a head a few months later when she told me my brother was annoyed I hadn't sent him a birthday card from my 7year old! My brother had not tried to keep any relationship with my child at all over the last year.
I told my mother than until her and my father would listen to what I had to say as they do with my brother I would not be contacting them. I told them all I want is a conversation with them.

A few months went by with no contact, they have completely ignored my 7year old who they spoke to daily and I brought to them 2times a week.

They turned up at my door unannounced after Christmas and handed my eldest son, 20, a bag of gifts. I contacted them and told them I would be returning the gifts to them. I told them to have a conversation with me, I explained I don't expect them to rake sides I just want them to listen, but I then I said they are welcome to come give my kids the gifts in person the way it should have been.
Nothing, no response.
My aunt passed away, I attended the funeral totally alone, my parents sat behind me and laughed with my brother and his girlfriend, completely ignored me.

I'm so hurt, more so for my kids, especially my 7 year old who was so close to my dad.
My dad has cancer he has gone through chemo and I know nothing about how he is or how my parents are coping.
AIBU for my behaviour, for wanting my parents to hear what I have to say
My brother has always been golden child, for example my parents bought me my house I paid every penny of it back to them, almost like a mortgage, while working PT and a single parent. My brother was bought a house that cost 3 times my house he works ft lives alone, never had to pay a penny back. They recently bought him a car, even though they constantly complained about his huge debts that he won't pay and his gambling habit.
I miss my parents but I can't continue to live the way I was

Sorry uve experienced something similar.
But your right re the boundaries.
They refuse to speak to me to me to hear my side. I initially thought a letter is a good idea but I think now I'm done. I have lost my respect for them after they have totally ignored my 7 year old. I can't move on from that

U nailed it. Thank u. I always felt because they are my parents and they have helped me in the past, as long as it was on their terms, that I owe them. I don't. And I can hold my head up high. I have started to tell some people when I see them eg my mum has 12 brothers and sisters so a big family, and when I tell them they are so shocked. My mum acts like all is fine and has even pretended she has seen my youngest recently

Exactly. Why do you want these toxic people in your kids life? They have proven that you are NOT family if they could drop your child like that. Stop running after these people op. The only way people will treat you well, is if you treat yourself well first.

My brother abused his sisters my parents still took his side.

Some parents, especially in previous generations have very gendered beliefs and prioritise sons no matter what.

There are no magic words you can use in these situations they have to realise themselves and want to address these issues in themselves and many of them with life time conditioning of valuing males over females would never be able to do that.

Thank u. I did think a letter sounded good but after reading all these ive decided to move on. I don't know how I could sit in thir company knowing that they walked away from my youngest son.
No others just me and my brother.
We have huge extended family though. But now I'm looking at it my mum bothers with no one. She always put everyone else down. I had no relationship with my dad's side including my granny because my mum always talked so bad about them I never bothered with them.
I've bumped into some aunts/uncles/cousins and I've started to tell my story and they are beyond shocked. My mum has pretended all is good and even talks about my young son like she has seen him eg oh yeah he's doing great!

Also you will never ever ever win against a golden child. So don’t waste your precious energy. These people are also toxic. Think about your dad having cancer- most people would right all their wrongs during this stage of their lives. Yet he sits behind you at a funeral laughing and ignoring you. Ignoring your son who he supposedly was close with. These are people you never are going to reason with - so focus your energy on working out how to be ok with cutting them out of your life.

100% what my partner says to. My brother stays for money.
Sorry you've had crappy situation to

Stop running after them with texts and offers of breakfast. Every time you do this you're giving them the power and satisfaction to reject you again.

I know it's hard but you need to accept their true colours and shield your 7 year old from people who have shown they'll reject him at the drop of a hat. You've expressed your boundary about not wanting contact unless they're willing to have that conversation, so hold it firm. They know where you are if they change their minds.

Thank u. That's what others have said to, if they listen to what I say they will have to face reality and they refuse to do that.

This is so right and it's the line I need to take and now remember. I've always done what I've been told nad it's been so hard to have my own opinion and to try and speak up for myself, I've sort of doubted myself. But I've finally found support, I've finally spoke out and I've finally realised that although I'm far from perfect this one is not on me. I am starting to gain some self respect and I'm teaching it to my children also

It's so hard to get your head round isn't it.

Honesty thank you ll for your responses it has given me strength when I was feeling low.
I appreciate it.
I'm sticking to my boundary I'm not contacting them again. I have run after them with offers to reconcile all have been ignored. I need to move on and build up my life and my kids without them

Nothing to add to what others have said, but I know how you feel, OP and honestly you're better away from these people.

It doesn't matter what you say or do, nothing will ever change.

Oh I'm so sorry OP.
What a horrible family situation.

Based on what you've said, sadly your parents have their favourite and you aren't it. There's nothing more heartbreaking than rejection and abandonment, your 7 year old will take this hard if he had a close relationship with your parents. And that's what keeps people bound to their abusers, they do it for the kids.

But you can't stay bound to them because they're harming your mental health and your peace.

Consider writing them a letter, an honest letter of how they make you feel, because your feelings are valid.

Then give yourself time away from them for some breathing space, maybe see a therapist to try to work through your heartbreak regarding your family breakdown.

It's better to be apart than to be part of something that is unhealthy, and unloving and to be subjected to so much unfairness.

Maybe there's an aunt you can lean on, or a cousin?

I come from a very dysfunctional family, and have no family contact, I'm currently working with a therapist regarding childhood trauma, because parents can completely f*ck their children up and then you end up carrying generational trauma.

You can change your relationships, you can change family patterns, you can protect yourself from any further hurt. When you step back you will see the peace that you deserve come into your life, you will feel lighter and know you are in control.

I wish you well OP xxx

Thank you for this. My children are what makes me want to change everything.
I want the to be different than me

@Sofedup15 it sounds as if you are finally make it out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) that kept you bound to them.
Its a hard thing to do but it's always for the best and whilst you will be looking back at your childhood and previous relationship with your family through a clear lens it will hurt but it will also help reinforce your resolve it will get and the pull they had on you will diminish.
Good luck and stay strong

@Sofedup15 if you click the quote button under a post rather than add post or reply or however it’s worded, you’ll include the person you are replying to, as it can get a little confusing when it’s clear you are replying to someone, but can’t tell who without the original comment! Hope that helps.

I'm so sorry, I initially read your post and thought a letter might be a good idea but reading more... no, you are correct. This whole thing has gone too far and even if you were having difficulties that you were working through with them, that is no excuse for shunning children.

They sound incredibly toxic.

I can relate.

What do they actually add to your life. Their behaviour is immature, petty and favours your brother.

They are highly unlikely to change so focus your energies forward and on your own children, life really is too short for mind games so gather your self worth and ignore, ignore and ignore.

Do not write a letter to these types of people because you will be giving them far too much credit and power which they don’t deserve.

Why would you give them the honour of being judge and jury - the reality is that they don’t want to know what you have to say because they have already decided you are in the wrong as you have always been.

They don’t want to resolve anything.

They enjoy conflict - it’s their normal emotional energy state - they feed off the negative energy. Seems your DM has fallen out with lots of people - so shes the common denominator.

Also if you wrote to them or even spoke to them they would totally weaponise what you wrote / said and would twist words to attack and hurt you - they would flaunt that letter around their family and friends to smear you.

They will never apologise or even acknowledge any wrong with the golden boy or with their own behaviour.

I would decide that you are done now - but not announce it and take it day by day. You need to not get stuck In negative ruminating and anger but instead to have coping strategies that are about you intentionally filling your life with positive plans and experiences for yourself and your DCs.

Happiness Forgets.

We all only have finite headspace, emotional energy and time - choose to conserve yours and direct it to the good people in your life and constructive plans for your own dynasty of the future - concentrate on experiences and the wellbeing of your DCs and DP - that’s your future. Step away from your family of origin - you are too enmeshed and it’s dysfunctional.

I would also NOT be triangulating your extended family in your problems - that will come back to bite you on the arse. It’s not healthy. Have a relationship with each of them which is about the two of you and conversation about your DM is out of bounds.

It’s a very painful process to see that your DM is a frienemy - it goes against all of our natural emotional needs. But seek the kindness and respect needed from others in your life in a reciprocal way - instead of pining with relentless, futile hope in the wrong place.

Fade her out. Be relieved that in doing so you won’t be whistled back for elderly care where they leave everything to golden son.

If you can possibly find the funds, please get counselling. Choose a psychologist rather than a counsellor. This is going to take a bit of unpicking by a professional, especially given your dad’s illness. I’ve had a similar experience, to a professional this is straightforward stuff but you can’t do it without their gentle analysis. It can be very quick, in my case it only took two sessions, but it honestly was the best money I ever spent. And before I go…NONE OF THIS IS ON YOU. Their behaviour is knowing and deeply abusive. Sending you love ❤️

@Portacloy “happiness forgets”. I bloody love that.

I'm sorry, your brother and parents all sound like horrible people. Put them behind you and concentrate on your own little family.

I bet your mother comes crawling back in years to come when she needs elderly care, no chance in hell of golden boy providing it. If and when that happens, stay strong and don't get pulled back in.

well then keep the away from your family . Shouldn’t be hard!

Oh yeah thank you for that