AIBU to want my parents to hear my side too?

[Sofedup15]

It's a long one.
I had a fall out with my brother and his gf after some pretty bad behaviour from them.
My parents said they wanted nothing to do with it didn't want to know what happened. Fair enough.
But my mother kept making sly comments to me about things my brother was saying to her.
I asked her numerous times to stop, told her I was annoyed she obviously has listened to what he says yet won't hear wat I have to say.
After months my brother decided I could no longer see my nephew, I'd been ringing him once a week and taking him out monthly.
My mother delivered this news to me. She didn't feel it was unreasonable.
It finally came to a head a few months later when she told me my brother was annoyed I hadn't sent him a birthday card from my 7year old! My brother had not tried to keep any relationship with my child at all over the last year.
I told my mother than until her and my father would listen to what I had to say as they do with my brother I would not be contacting them. I told them all I want is a conversation with them.

A few months went by with no contact, they have completely ignored my 7year old who they spoke to daily and I brought to them 2times a week.

They turned up at my door unannounced after Christmas and handed my eldest son, 20, a bag of gifts. I contacted them and told them I would be returning the gifts to them. I told them to have a conversation with me, I explained I don't expect them to rake sides I just want them to listen, but I then I said they are welcome to come give my kids the gifts in person the way it should have been.
Nothing, no response.
My aunt passed away, I attended the funeral totally alone, my parents sat behind me and laughed with my brother and his girlfriend, completely ignored me.

I'm so hurt, more so for my kids, especially my 7 year old who was so close to my dad.
My dad has cancer he has gone through chemo and I know nothing about how he is or how my parents are coping.
AIBU for my behaviour, for wanting my parents to hear what I have to say
My brother has always been golden child, for example my parents bought me my house I paid every penny of it back to them, almost like a mortgage, while working PT and a single parent. My brother was bought a house that cost 3 times my house he works ft lives alone, never had to pay a penny back. They recently bought him a car, even though they constantly complained about his huge debts that he won't pay and his gambling habit.
I miss my parents but I can't continue to live the way I was

Sadly I don't think they are going to change. What is it you want from them? If you want the relationship to go back to how it was then I think you have to accept this will involve them favouring your brother and all that comes with that.
If you want them to hear your side, no matter how much upset it causes, then perhaps write them a full and frank letter and then just let it go. They might respond or they might cut all ties with you, so it's a risk.

A few months went by with no contact, they have completely ignored my 7year old

and you feel sad that these nasty, petty people are not in your child’s life??

This is just a continuation of behaviour that they've engaged in your whole life. They're nasty, petty people who like to hurt you. There is no point whatsoever in trying to have a conversation with them - the best thing you can do is to tell them to fuck off.

Absolutely infuriating that they won’t listen to your side, yanbu.
The way they’ve treated you and your children is awful, I’m sorry your parents are like this. It really does sound like you’re better off without them.

Yanbu. He’s being treated like the golden child. It’s unfortunate that your parents have sided with him.
You’re doing the right thing by ignoring them all. Your parents should butt out of the sibling feud, take no sides.

You are better off without unreasonable people in your life, Op.

Wait for them to change their ways.
Unfortunate about your Dad though.

Are you and your son able to speak to him and visit alone without causing alarm? Do you miss supporting him in his illness?

I'm so sorry OP, but you're beating a dead horse over this. Your parents have very clearly picked their side.

The sad thing is this, even if you put your side to them they won’t change their view, they will still side with your brother. I think you have 2 options: accept they will never explain or apologise and will always favour your brother so you will manage the relationship on your terms eg you have some contact, don’t spend Christmas with them, are not available when they want/need you or you go no contact. I would recommend taking control if this though, they’ve treated you very badly but it’s not going to change so you need to get some peace and make it work on your terms.

What I noticed is that when you start to have healthy boundaries, unhealthy relationships start to falter and fall. I had a very similar situation, and while I’m sad to lose the sibling relationship I refuse to be treated with so little empathy or respect. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when you let parents also lack empathy for that, so I completely get how you feel. You’re doing the right thing on all fronts. There is grief but these people don’t have true love or loyalty towards you or your child. If I were you, I’d speak to the parents again and tell them exactly how you feel and what’s happened from your perspective. They need to know it’s on them to make amends, as long as you’ve been accountable too. After that, you need to find a way to move forward

Sounds to me, you’d be a lot better off without the lot of them! Always amazes me what people put up with from family that they wouldn't from friends…

There is no law that says you have to get on with or appease your parents. It should be a two way relationship with both sides treating the other kindly and with love ideally. You are not and have not ever by the sounds of it, got this with your parents (or your brother who sounds spoiled and unpleasant). I would put effort into working out how to manage feelings around not having them in your life successfully. They don’t seem to bring you anything but misery at this point. There is no shame in walking away from relationships-with anyone-that are doing you harm.

Just on school run but I genuinely appreciate all your comments. I will respond better shortly but you have all just reiterated what I thought all along.
I just have always been that dutiful daughter, no matter what, I've done what's been asked of me so it hurts and I feel fir my youngest son but you are all so right in reality I could never go back now, things will never be different and I can't keep living like that and I don't know how I could ever move past them ignoring my 7year old child who absolutely adored them both

Have you posted about this before? It sounds oddly familiar.

YANBU to want them to listen to you if they’re letting your brother get his side in.

I’m a bit confused about the presents at Xmas though - you said they brought them over and gave them to your eldest, then you were going to return them although they could give them in person if they wanted. Surely that’s what they did initially? I personally would have bitten my lip on this one, for the kids sake but especially your 7 year old who misses his/her grandparents. To take away their gifts feels cruel - they weren’t yours to decide that on.

I’m not sure what the next step is. Could you write them a letter, explain how you feel, and ask them to let you explain your side of what has happened and then ask that it never gets spoken of again. But if your brother is the golden child, you may never get what you want or need from them.

Could you write them a letter? Tell them your side and post it. Then, it's in their hands... you've given your side. If they choose to ignore it or throw it away then they've made their choice.
You don't owe them time or a relationship after what they've done but if you want a last ditch attempt for a resolution it might be worth a go.

No I haven't posted before, thought it but haven't done lol
The presents thing was so weird I just wrote it briefly as post was long as it was.
My eldest is 21.he was also involved in the initial fall out with my brother it had a big impact in my son to.
At my sons birthday my brother sent him a card with £20 which my son accepted and txt a thank u.
A few weeks later my mum threw it in my face saying sure son accpteda very generous gift from ur brother so I don't see a problem.
My son accepted the card only because he didn't want any annoyance, my mum saw it as see there's no problems.
My mum dad and brother spend every Christmas morning at my house. I do a big spread breakfast. I had txt before Christmas told them they were still welcome, even though they hadn't spoken to me months, but I did need them to speak to me first so there was no awkwardness. They ignored my message.
They turned up after Christmas on a day they know I'm not home, my dad sat in car my mum handed my eldest a bag with gifts at the door. My eldest asked if she'd spoken to me yet she tutted and walked off. My eldest decided he didn't want the gifts and my youngest wasn't there. I handed the gifts back and sent a message to say if rather they came and give the gifts in person to the wee one. I explained I dint want to say here's ur presents for him to be asking why they hadn't just given them themselves.
The whole thing is a mess

What kind of parents treat their daughter so differently to their son ?
What kind of grandparents withdraw all contact with their 7 year old grandson who adores them ?
Awful parents, awful grandparents that’s who they are.
A letter sounds good but they possibly could ( and probably would, sadly ) tear it up before reading it, or tear it up mid read, so never learn of your feelings about the disparity in their treatment of you and your brother and what the row between your brother and you was about.
Have you other siblings ?
Is there someone in the extended family who is on your side and could speak to them, mediate ?
They sound like horrible people, I’m sorry to say @Sofedup15

Imo seeing you brings home to them they are fucking diabolical dps so they stay away. Haven't seen my dm since 2012...or df since 1998....
Your db is easily swayed with £££ so he has them in his life.

I would write a letter. I would state what you say in your post, about how they treat you both differently, you had to repay, he doesn’t, they listen to him, but not you knowing there are two sides to every story, that they treat the grandkids appallingly now, that you are worried about your father ( can you contact him direct? Is this really coming from your mother or both?)

Detail what happened with your brother, explain how sad you are that they simply won’t listen to you, but the sky digs show they listen to your brother, that you can’t imagine ever treating your kids in this wa

explain how you would like to move forward

Thats all you can do. You know then that you have presented them with your side and it’s up to them

if they ignore you then try to build a life without them

I know u are so right. My partner and my eldest son say the same thing. It's just hard to come to terms with. I always did everything asked of or expected of me. I was brought up that they were always right never question anything. Never talk about anything. But ur so right. I can't forgive or move forward to have a relationship with them knowing that they have totally ignored my 7year old child.
I've reached out and give them opportunity to see him nd they habe ignored it all.
I just find it so hard to believe and I doubt myself as to people on the outside they will be painting the picture that I'm the mad one
I just think I have to move on

Ur so right. Thank u. I feel guilty but I shouldn't. I actually have done nothing except ask my mum to stop giving me digs about things my brother has said. She makes out it was all my fault but won't listen to what happened

I always had such respect for my dad. I actually felt sorry for him before and thought he just went along with my mum for an easy life. But after the initial fall out over a year ago I called round to talk and fix things my dad said some very hurtful things. He told me I was mental needed help there's something wrong with me etc
This time I also reached out to my dad separately, my son was learning about Ww2 and had asked could papa help him draw some pictures. I asked my dad via txt and he has ignored. So I'm afraid I've come to realise he wasn't the man I always made him out to be and that's been a very difficult realisation for me. I had been bringing him to all his appointments, I was making him up wee care packages, I brought visitirs6ehen he was in hospital. I researched his cancer and did everything I could to help

They abused you and as the scapegoat I think it can be really hard to break away from that as you've been conditioned your whole life to seek their approval. Are the stately homes threads on here still running? If so I would advise joining them as you will get lots of support from people in similar situations. Sending you lots of love, you deserve better.

I wonder if your parents don’t want to hear your side because if they did they’d have to concede that brother is in the wrong. And that can’t happen because he is the favoured one. Basically, even when you’re right, you’re wrong. Because it’s you.

I have this in my family too. I am the scapegoat or the not favourite anyway. I’ve realised my M really meant it when she said I love you but I don’t like you. She really doesn’t like me and the love is fairly hazy too tbh. My sister just is better in her eyes. It’s a law of the universe, immovable and eternal. She can’t do anything wrong, because it’s her. I am wrong by just, you know, existing over here quietly. I am LC with m now.

Here you go
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5508136-march-2026-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1