To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed

yes, smacked right between the eyes.

utter betrayal and time to get rid, OP.

it must feel awful, but I wouldn't let him get near me after that exchange. It's only one step,off a full blown affair.

do you have RL support?

Discussing your sex life with a colleague is crossing a line in itself. Never mind the explicit messages. Have you got anyone in real life you ca turn too?

Yeah it's the betrayal isn't it, discussing you with this sexual predator it just diminishes your relationship so much.

Everyone can get carried away by flirting but anal sex chat and oral sex, really? She sounds very desperate.

Easy for us to say LTB, but if he hasn't acted further I'd hear him out at this stage. Unless there has been work trips and nights out where you think they have actually had the opportunity to be physical?

Are you serious!???

So you come back from this one and forgive him…
what about the next one? And the next one?

because there WILL be more. He’s betrayed you and shown his utter lack of respect. Once that line’s crossed, you can be sure he’ll do it again and despise you for your weakness if you take him back.

You deserve so much more.

Fantasy or not, he’s completely broken your trust and humiliated. You there’d been no coming back from that for me.

Plus, the twat can’t spell or use correct grammar. That’s almost equally repugnant 😂

Yuck! That would be the end for me, you have a child together and he chats to another woman like that….
What a pair of skanks, both as bad as each other, no respect for you
Hope you have lots of support from your family and friends, chuck him in the bin.

No, that'd be game over for me
He has no respect for you

Has he had anal with her and then had sex with you ? Did you ask him ?
I don't think I could forgive .

From that short exchange, he sounds like a teenager. Is he quite thick for 32 years old? If he's anywhere near as tedious in real life as he is in those messages, ending the marriage could be the best thing you've ever done.

They both sound pathetic tbh

What a fool he has been, losing his wife over some stupid texts to someone he probably has no interest in and who may have no interest in him. A prize fool.

I don't think I could get over the betrayal involved in talking negatively about you and your sex life to this colleague. Whether he intended it to go further or he just enjoyed it as banter, it absolutely crosses the line.

Yeah I couldn't come back from messages like that ... does he ever wonder if your in missionary position because you want it over with with him and you could actually be bored of him too ..

That's awful. I don't think there's any coming back from it. Explicit messages are bad enough alone but to talk about his sex life with you that way is so disrespectful. I'm usually all about blaming the one your in a relationship with rather than OW, but she is just as bad to go along with that and use you as someone to big herself up against. The pair of them are disgusting. Sorry you're going through this.

Bin the cunt

This.

I think even if you felt it was eventually forgivable, you're never going to be able to look at him the same way, feel the same way about him as you once did. So it would be over for me in that sense if nothing else.

To be clear, it would be over for me.

I would lose all respect for him

How awful for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a betrayal. How dare he complain about your private love life to this woman! She is a hideous creature as well. I think you will struggle to trust him after this. For me it would be over. I know that's not easy with a child, but honestly, he's a rat.

It’s over, clearly. The messages are clear.

However the minute you feel you have to look on his phone, it’s over anyway as you don’t trust him.

Cut your losses so you can carry one with your life

what the hell 😮 your relationship is 100% over. Please please leave whilst you still have some dignity.

It would be over for me.

He might not have shagged her yet but he's certainly planning to.

It's not fantasy, the words and feelings are real.

You don't send DM's to colleagues like this unless you're already on the way to an affair.

Also what a couple of skanks.

Always the woman's fault eh?

Anyway, I'd take lack of trust from phone checking to seeing her hubby talking about taking it up the arse with a colleague any day.

This would really hurt me and I would leave my husband if he did this to me.

what do you want to do op

Can you ever imagine yourself having sex with him again? Because there's no way on earth that I would. He may not have cheated yet but he's certainly headed that way and would have done had you not seen the messages. You know you deserve better than this.