To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

The woman owes the OP nothing, she doesn’t even know her. The man owes her everything, he is her issue not the woman, not the anal sex blah blah! It’s his fault no excuses.

I didn't say the creepy woman owed the op anything, i said they're both at fault.

She clearly has no self esteem and needs to show off to married men about her bumhole for some attention, it's a bit pathetic, no?

For the trillionth time the married man of course should have told her to stfu, he didn't though and the op has to decide whether to give him another chance or not. All depends if he's remorseful and has blocked her or if the op has more concerns and if this is the last straw.

Don't we all owe ourselves and others decency, what with being human

I think we owe ourselves and those we love decency.

No the man is the one at fault in the OPs world, which is all that is relevant here.

I would not give a shiny shit what another woman said to my DH, it’s his response or decision to continue the conversation about his boring sex life blah blah that is my issue! He’s 100% in the wrong and should’ve blocked her immediately! But then I don’t blame women that get sexually abused because it was “both their fault” it went to far, as she was wearing a shirt skirt etc.

'I don’t blame women that get sexually abused because it was “both their fault” it went to far, as she was wearing a shirt skirt etc.'

Who on earth has said that?! I've no idea why you're bringing abuse into this.

It is the op's dh's fault for not shutting down this desperate woman's attention seeking creepy messages. I also think the 'I love anal sex me!' is at fault too. She maybe needs a hobby and some friends.