To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

The woman owes the OP nothing, she doesn’t even know her. The man owes her everything, he is her issue not the woman, not the anal sex blah blah! It’s his fault no excuses.

I didn't say the creepy woman owed the op anything, i said they're both at fault.

She clearly has no self esteem and needs to show off to married men about her bumhole for some attention, it's a bit pathetic, no?

For the trillionth time the married man of course should have told her to stfu, he didn't though and the op has to decide whether to give him another chance or not. All depends if he's remorseful and has blocked her or if the op has more concerns and if this is the last straw.

Don't we all owe ourselves and others decency, what with being human

I think we owe ourselves and those we love decency.

No the man is the one at fault in the OPs world, which is all that is relevant here.

I would not give a shiny shit what another woman said to my DH, it’s his response or decision to continue the conversation about his boring sex life blah blah that is my issue! He’s 100% in the wrong and should’ve blocked her immediately! But then I don’t blame women that get sexually abused because it was “both their fault” it went to far, as she was wearing a shirt skirt etc.

'I don’t blame women that get sexually abused because it was “both their fault” it went to far, as she was wearing a shirt skirt etc.'

Who on earth has said that?! I've no idea why you're bringing abuse into this.

It is the op's dh's fault for not shutting down this desperate woman's attention seeking creepy messages. I also think the 'I love anal sex me!' is at fault too. She maybe needs a hobby and some friends.

Nope. I’m saying she can’t change the past. She can change the future. Her husband was a fool. She can let one incident destroy their marriage or she can demand he works on being a better husband by attending marriage counselling.

Are you Fucking serious ?
checking phone same as describing wife as dull in bed, giving and receiving anal sex with a colleague!!!! Glue pot’s empty then. !

Marriage counselling only works to iron out misunderstandings not treacherous behaviour like this.

It is treachery.
I would see a discreet one night stand that my dh had on a trip away with a stranger ^that I had to do some serious digging to discover' as more forgivable than this.

What's this chump worth anyway as a dh?
He sounds like he's not going to be able to step up in a crisis.
Weak as dishwater.
He's not an otherwise extremely competent man who has a 'what goes on tour' attitude, he shits on his own doorstep with a colleague.

The OP should maybe not take immediate action but she should start quietly lining up those ducks.
It's over. Clearly it is. She will ruminate forever on those words.

I'm genuinely not one to say ltb either.

Or she remains under the same roof or they separate, either way it's over.

He's no loss. I know the type.

Weak, never takes responsibility, generally useless and not that much of a hit with women either so when one comes along they're not able to contain themselves.

If this woman has a commanding presence, and comes across as dominant, why did your husband choose this woman to off-load his woes too??? No matter what he might say, she didn't put a gun to his head and force him to tell her details of his sex life! He chose to do that. If he found her 'intimidating' then surely she'd be the last person on planet earth to confide in??!!!!

This was over text messages, it wasn't in person, he could have very easily shut the conversation down! Again, he chose not too! What did he think she was doing to do, if he didn't compile??? Unless she's more senior at work than him, and could have caused issues, then his reasons are excuses.

He didn't shut the conversation down, because he was enjoying the attention!

You and I think alike! My thoughts exactly.

And following on from that, I would demand answers from him about who else he has confided in about OP’s sexual shortcomings. What about his closest friends? Other mates at work? Brother? If not them, why not? Why her? If he has spread it round all and sundry, well that’s terrible. But if he hasn’t, well….

I wouldn’t rest until he gave me answers to those questions. Make him squirm. If it were me I can’t see how there could be a way back.

No, I think everyone should be decent to everyone else. Otherwise, you act INdecently to anyone who isn't you or a loved one, and that's not OK, in my book, considering we all have to live together in a society.

You'd think, but that contract breaks down when one person treats another indecently. Then they've forfeited their right to receive decent treatment.