To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

I know right? So intimidated that he chose her to blab to about how boring he finds sex with the OP, and suggest the sort of thing he might like instead. All because he was intimidated you understand. Oh and he feels sorry for her at the same time as feeling intimidated. What a crock of utter BS.

"I'm scared of her so we sexted about butt sex "

Paraphrasing. On what planet does that fly? 🛸 How did you not laugh at that 🤡

She is a slapper chasing after a married man and he is an idiot for encouraging her. He has really abused your trust and you will need to have proper discussions. First is a block on her number. I personally would let her know I read the messages and have a copy of them, she is well after your man. But he is the worst for going along with it all, talking about ur private life and saying deeply hurtful things about you to her. He is taking the piss big time and I would kick him out.

Him not owning this is worse than the texts themselves. As others have said you will never unread what you’ve read and he can’t take back this opinion of your sex life. I’d never feel comfortable and trust in his presence let alone in bed together.but on top to feed you a load of bull to try and justify his messages to her. Stupid idiot.

What am I even reading, who says slapper. What’s this rhe 1950s`? Good god. Have we not moved away from these dated misogynistic terms. And why let he4 know, why would the woman even give a shit.

Absolutely OP..sometimes it is wise just to let things carry on and let time pass and see how it goes. You don't want to rip a whole marriage and life apart because DH has been awful. What he said and did was horrific btw - talking like that and talking about you like that 🤬) absolutely unacceptable.
However life is a long game and maybe just let him be him for a bit longer and see which way the wind is blowing. Always have plans on how to leave it you need to. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him. Maybe it's just how he's gonna live.
Just thoughts. And LTB straight away, in the middle of high emotions, is not ideal. Let the dust settle and watch and make plans in calm.

Why does she have to do anything? He's the one who has cheated.

It's not women's job to fix men.

This is on him and nobody else.

I hope she kicks his skanky arse out.

Exactly. You would be expected either become Anais Nin or stick with the mish.

It's all on the OP of course! Women put up with some shit.

Pair of pigs

I think it's possible to get over cheating and to forgive it. I don't think it's possible to forgive the conversation, the utter betrayal of him telling another woman about your sex life! It's so disrespectful.

Am not buying the 'intimidated' line though. And if it was true - urgh! What a catch he is!

The only reason OP 'has to' do anything is if that thing is essential to realizing her desired outcome.

@Queens26 has an adult decision to make, possibly the first one in her life, I don't count deciding to get married or have kids or a mortgage, things which are packaged up and safe in modern life, I mean the kind where she will have to cut a piece of herself off and grow. Either side of this decision will have consequences and opportunities that she will be living with long after you and I have moved on to the next trending thread.

I don't hope she does anything except OODA. And go on to have a happy healthy life.

I don't know what OODA means but a man that behaves like this isn't worth piss.

I hope she leaves him for dust because he will do this again and it will destroy her mental health.

I think the OP was spot on when she said this isn't a soap opera . All these pages of people baying for the guys blood and stating with absolute certainty that he'll do it or worse again and the onlyntjing she can possibly do is leave...real life means thinking about the boring reality of splitting up. What that would mean practically, financially, emotionally, the impact on children. ONLY the op can know if this is a stupid, ill-judged glitch in an otherwise good marriage or something worse. None of our experiences have any bearing on it at all. All she needs to do is take stock, talk to HIM and go from there.

Read your first paragraph before tearing into someone else’s grammar.

😂

That's totally fair, however, I would also say that it's equally fair to say that I would also not be starting a thread on here about it, either have I had that view, especially the details of the conversation - which are very detailed.

Sometimes people just don't here what they want to hear and disregard sensible advice and take a 'what's it got to do with you' attitude'.

Maybe she wanted to hear, 'oh it's not that bad, let it go.'

It's pretty clear that this guy is a piece of shit, and the majority here, who are perhaps representative of different personalities, agree-what she does with this information is of course entirely up to her.

As others have pointed out, the discussing of very personal details with a stranger would be a deal breaker. More so perhaps than a ONS with a stranger.

🤣🤣🤣 Doesn't she just!

He hasn't owned up to enjoying the chat though has he? Which he clearly did. Men don't do stuff they don't want to do. He's in complete denial and making excuses. It is not ok to slag off your sexual performance to another woman, you'll be imagining him rating your performance next time, if there is a next time, and commenting on it to her. That will wreck your sex life. Will you feel pressured to do stuff you're not interested in, to keep up with the fantasy woman?
She is clearly desperate for attention and leading him on, but there are a lot of them out there, would he do it again? Why not, if he can get away with it. How can you trust him if he isn't honest with you.

Observe, Orientate, Decide, Act

This was the situation with my H she was desperate and predatory and he chose to go along with it after initially not doing and then it got worse. Unfortunately these types of women are out there but its what the H chooses to do instead of cutting it off. If my H had done this i wouldnt be where i am now with our situation. Sending hugs OP. Its awful and so disrespectful. Sorry your going through it xx🫂🫂

This isn’t about blame. It’s about whether you can rescue your marriage. Maybe you don’t want to, but on the back of the information you provided when I wrote yesterday, it looked salvageable.

I find it odd that you seemingly can’t see that she was driving that conversation into territory that your husband wasn’t wholly comfortable in. She clearly doesn’t care about your marriage and she has no reason to, so blame is irrelevant to her. She can shrug and walk away, her life unchanged, while you pick up the pieces of a shattered shared life and a broken marriage, all for the sake of a few messages. That’s why I suggest you focus on your marriage together and not in her.