To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

OP, you deserve someone with a bit more class, so does your child.

He's wrecked it. Even if he'd been having ideas and fantasies, it's you he should've talked to, nobody else. So very sorry and sending hugs.

No coming back from that. Never ever.

I’d bin him for saying “you wasn’t”, to be honest.

To be fair he is talking about his sex life with you, she is laying it on thick and he is batting her away thinking about his sex life with you.

The only attempt at trying to push it towards sexting is coming from the colleague.

are his texts very misjudged and completely idiotic? Yes!

I think you already know how he has got to this point, you either work on the relationship or split up

He hasn’t cheated but you clearly don’t trust him, thats more of a reason for ending things than these texts.

I'd be unbelievably hurt to know my husband was complaining about our sex life to another person, saying he's bored and wants something 'more then missionary'. Just talking to another woman about you like that is such a betrayal of your trust, even if it's not 'cheating'.

Some people are saying he didn't start the conversation or what they might do to each other and that sort of excuses it, but I think he did start it before that text begins as they've obviously talked about him wanting more excitement and that's what she's replying to.

I'm fairly sure I couldn't forgive that or indeed have sex with him again as I'd just be remembering those words and my self esteem would be so low I wouldn't be able to feel remotely sexy. I'm so sorry OP, its completely understandable to be really upset about it.

not now, eh?

She checked his phone because he gave her good reason to wtf

I guess that's what women do when they're desperate / want to tempt a man away from his DP/DW. It works a lot I think. Men are simple. You probably wouldn't be able to forget this OP.

This isn’t something I could sweep under the rug and I would be very hurt by those messages. He’s basically calling you boring in bed to another woman! Having said that, he does seem to somewhat reject her advances subtly by referring back to your relationship when she suggests what she likes in bed. She’s definitely on the hunt and leading the exchange but I would be appalled if my DH let it get anywhere near that discussion without shutting it down.

Nothing less than a total block and looking for another job, plus couples therapy would allow me to contemplate forgiving.

Whatever he's done, not done, thinking about doing, he has undermined your CONFIDENCE, as a woman, as a lover - that, to me is unforgivable!

Where is he batting her away? Have I missed an update?

Mess with him and buy a strap on since he wants to switch things up so badly

Both sides being a) him and b) the woman from his work. He's an untrustworthy wanker and the OP has had her world blown up by this. Just stop.

He's over the line and then some

Gross. That would be it for me.

He's actively speaking to another woman disparagingly about his wife and his sex life with his wife. That's not batting anyone away.

Having a friend to talk over relationship and sex issues, isn't a problem as such. However, what you have here is your husband having a moan about the lack of excitement in the bedroom and his 'friend' trying very hard to make out that she's a sexual goddess in the bedroom, to entice him. She wants him to know that she's full of excitement, and therefore exactly what he needs because she's older and experienced!! 🙄

Your husband must realise that she's offering herself up as dessert, he surely can't be that oblivious??? He should never have discussed your relationship with her or sex life to start with. As soon as the 'I'm a cougar on the prowl' came out, he should have shut her down, firmly but I rather think he was enjoying the attention.

This is a follow up to another conversation - it's not a one off and they are probably discussing in real life at work
I couldn't deal with this - not with them spending so much time together, chatting like this, at work every day

I agree with this, he should have shut her down and didn't and that's a problem. It sounds from the OP like it's escalating and the only saving grace is that nothing physical has happened.

He's not a little boy with big wide eyes though.

He has ceased to be in a partnership with you I am afraid. To discuss your sex life in a negative way with another woman is a step too far.

Oh he got upset? What a selfish wanker, making himself the victim after being so disloyal to you.

Also, his grammar is shit.

LTB.

Fuck that. Leave him.

My ex cheated on me twice (25 at the time). First time with a woman my age, the second with an older, unattractive one. That time kicked my gut twice as hard. It will destroy your self esteem if you stay.

She sounds utterly disgusting (of course he does too). Let her enjoy your sloppy seconds.

my marriage would not survive this.

I would know my dh was well within his rights to divorce me if I did that to him and vice versa.

I'd also highlight this isnt just one thing

He betrayed yout trust horribly by sharing intimate details of your sex life and marriage.
He is flirting with another woman.
He is badmouthing you.
He is actively looking to cheat.
He is doing it all with a work colleague .

I’d also call her out and shame her for it. Destroy her reputation. She knows what she’s doing.

She mentions anal & he immediately mentions his wife…

this reads more like a man who likes the idea of fixing his problems by cheating but probably is unlikely to go through it. If he wanted to do things with her that chat would not have looked like that