To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Besides how crass the messages are, the dire spelling and grammar is cause for concern. Nothing sexy about getting homophones wrong.

What? She finds him being a wanker and she’s partially to blame? Yeah, no.

He could have just left her on read or asked something about work to change the subject. There's obviously been verbal discussions too with her "we'd have so much fun" comment

Absolute bollocks.

Was he going to tell OP off his own back he's been discussing their sex life with his colleague and sexting about they could do together? No.

If OP had asked him if anything was going on would he have answered truthfully? No.

The only way she was going to find out what was going on was checking his phone which she hasn't done before.

To say there is fault on both sides is such apologist, reductive bullshit and wrong.

There is no fault' on her side. Good job she did look on his phone or she wouldnt have found out. EVER.

They're both disrespectful and way past the line. They're both fucking stupid messaging a colleague. He's not working very hard at his relationship. You deserve better than this, it would eat away in the back of my mind. Can you really imagine ever wanting to be intimate with him again? I think that would finish that off for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this, my ex cheated when I was pregnant. I didn't think I could ever be happy without him or be single well it turns out I could do both. You deserve love, respect and honesty.

I think I would be most put off by his reaction, getting upset and then downplaying it. There's room for growth when people take ownership. It doesn't look like he has done that.

Honestly yes its bad and embarrassing, hes in the wrong defo but I wouldn't class it as cheating. I wouldnt even class it as sexting'
It seemed like he had nobody to talk to about your relationship problems. Her txts were brash and over sexual whereas his were not, saying about how you do the same boring things every time and her replies were just crude and predatory. He didn't seem interested /

Obviously he's in the wrong tho so if it were me I'd make it clear he should not be discussing your private relationship / sex positions with another woman.
Once you tell him you've read all her txts I think he will be feeling embarrassed... Make sure he knows he overstepped the mark. But you CAN come back from this. 👍

This reads to me like her coming on really strong, and him being a bit embarrassed about it…

Look, there is a minute chance you can recover your marriage from this as he’s not acted on it yet. However he needs to be in a place where he’s terrified of ever losing you again. The only way to do that is to ask him to leave and give you space.

If he’s truly sorry he can stress it out for a few months, and during this time you can clear your head about what YOU want.

Oh dear @Miranda65 Oh dear. You do know that your attempt at edgy contrariness has just made you look rather foolish don't you? I hope you didn't spend too long thinking that up?

ODFOD

What !

That’s a pretty heavy and explicit conversation between opposite sex colleagues! 😮

Not sure how you can continue after that exchange, unfortunately.

A line has definitely been crossed - hideous

but it seems if you can trust going forward

the worst bit for me is slagging you off to a colleague - he’s supposed to be your number one fan - I’d feel so let down

Jesus Christ. There is no coming back from that. Who the hell speaks to a colleague like this???!!! I think I’d die and be swallowed up by a hole in the earth.

best of luck op. He is not your partner xxx

It actually is the older woman from x department in this case. Shock.

Ask him how he thinks sex talk and sexting with his co-worker is him working on the issues in your marriage?

She's chasing him hard and he's not shutting her down, he's encouraging it. He enjoys her stroking his ego. He's the kind of man who cheats behind your back and he shit talks you to other women and shares what you do sexually.

The trust would be gone and the disrespect he shows towards you, I'd be done.

He sounds like the kind of guy that puts in little effort unless he's forced to and that includes your marriage.

I’m so sorry OP. This is WAY over the line.

Those messages would mean game over for my marriage if it was me, I could never trust someone again after texting stuff like that.

Oh stop rolling out this crap. These are not on the same level

Way, way past any lines of appropriateness on the part of your DH.

And oh dear, what a revolting tart she is.

Not too embarassed though to be telling a work colleague hed like a more exciting sex life and his wife doesn't like a penis up her bum hole.

I think hes just been cautious about what hes messaging back, especially if its a work phone or on Teams. Hes been flirty enough to have her continue because it made him tingly no doubt but potentially has mitigation if someone very gullible saw them or if it goes sour and she shares the messages with others.

If he thought she was coming on too strong and he didnt like it he had a multitude of ways of getting out of it. He didn't though.

I couldn’t come back from this.

She sounds desperate and is clearly telling him she’s open to it, and he isn’t shutting it down but the worst thing of all is that he is complaining about you and your sex life to someone he knows would be up for a shag.

Where is his loyalty to you? How dare he put you down like that?

Utterly grim I don’t say this often but LTB

If hes prepared to exchange filthy messages with a woman that disgusting, he doesn't deserve you! How can you ever trust him after that !