To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Divorce. He has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship. Prick

the line is a vanishing speck in the far distance OP

That would be a marriage ender for me

Ew

He's horrible.

No there really isn't fault on both sides. Checking someone's phone is in no way comparable to what he's done.

That’s definitely crossing a line, in my opinion. I’d be asking for a divorce.
It’s the typical “my wife doesn’t understand me”. “My wife doesn’t want sex”. “My wife is boring in the bedroom”.
This conversation hasn’t come from nowhere. Just imagine what they talk about face to face!
If you do decide to forgive him, there’s a high possibility he will do it again.

What an absolute idiot he has been.

She is a predator and is playing with him with all the hardcore/tame sexual education she thinks she is giving him. She needs to prove to herself she is still attractive to younger men so she uses the shock tactic to get his attention.

When he says “sounds scary haha” I think he actually probably could have been a bit scared OP. The only thing that saved him was that it was a message and not face to face.
I bet he would have run a mile from all that up-front ‘experience’ that she boasts about if they had been talking face to face in the office.

She made it a safe sort of thrill for him, and he convinced himself it wasn’t cheating.
He fell for the shameless, lewd chat like a teenage school boy.
What a fool he has been.

Very hard for you to get over the betrayal, especially as he will resist seeing it as such.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be the end though OP. He could change his job and show willing to get professional help to guide you both through this massive marriage obstacle, especially if you have children together.

It would entirely depend on his demeanour over a period of time and his initiative in wanting to try to put things right, for me to believe all the hard work and heart ache would be worth it.

Follow your instincts OP. Good luck! I’m sorry you are going through this.

Of course there is no coming back from this.

This isn’t some random woman (which would be bad enough), this is someone who he very much planned to have sex with if you hadn’t seen the messages.

He may not have physically cheated with her yet but only because you ruined his plan.

The fact that he discussed and insulted you to her and shared the most private part of the relationship is one of the worst things anyone can do.

I agree with you OP. Regardless of whether he's having a physical affair, the betraying of intimate details about your sexual relationship with him would be enough for me to be done with it. So sorry.

Why are you blaming her?

He is the one in a relationship with OP.
He is the one trying to have sex with other women.
He is the one telling her about his and OPs sex life.

She is irrelevant in this as if it wasn’t her, then it would be a different woman.
She didn’t force him into this.

You are completely dismissing his part in this.
He is the only one in the wrong when it comes to OP.

What a stupid little man. Hope his sordid little 'fantasy' chat was worth it.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Of course it's cheating, he's having sexual interactions with another woman behind your back. Doesn't matter if it's physical, it's him giving his time and attention to her whilst bemoaning his life with you.

Awful OP, just horrendous. That would be it for me, I would not be interested in being with a person like that. Just so disrespectful. Where's the care, where's the love, where's the protectiveness you expect from a partner.

You don't need his permission to end it. You can just say, this isn't for me, I don't want this, let's talk about separation.

Utter rubbish.

What a massively scummy woman. Your husband sounds like a chipolata alone in a sausage factory.

he’s been a pillock. Did you respect him before this?

I feel like this sums up the situation sadly.

Its the rules isnt it it? Women are always to blame in some way for mens actions. We've already seen op at fault for checking his phone, and that she needs to address their sex life, and this woman is a predator who is embarassing the poor mite 🥺

Oh he's nasty.

He doesn't respect you at all does he?

This. He should have shut it down. So utterly stupid.

EDIT: And he doesn't sound like a man who respects you at all.

She sounds predatory, and he sound immature.

Thats awful. He's been complaining about you to her. What a lack of respect.

I actually agree with the @LAMPS1

But he wasn’t saying “I would never cheat on my wife!” either. He was saying he’s all ears…

I could never trust him again

Infact op there is potentially one thing he could do that, iiwm, might pull this back, especially if he does come up with the idea that he felt she was coming on too strong and he was embarassed.

And that would be if he agrees to report her for sexual harassment. He has the evidence, it would be open/shut case at work.