Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

419 replies

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 16:43

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 28/04/2026 16:59

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

bloody good job she did. If she hadn’t she wouldn’t have known her husband & his colleague are exchanging sexual fantasies.

Sorry Op. I don’t know how you’d trust him after that.

Alltheusefulitems · 28/04/2026 16:59

appleberryhandcream · 28/04/2026 16:51

I’m not sure.
She took the talk to anal.
He didn’t reply about doing anal with her. He replied that you wouldn’t like it.

Yes, it’s not ideal, but he wasn’t salivating all over her and asking her to do anal.

She was very much the one leading it.

Depends on the other messages, I would say.

This! Its definitely not ideal but she is leading the way and I dont read those messages and think he's up for it with her at all.

How I moved forward would depend on the other messages and how he deals with contact with her from now on

ginasevern · 28/04/2026 17:01

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

But all crimes are relative to the circumstances in the eyes of UK law. There's a distinction between murder and manslaughter for example, and mitigating circumstances are considered in almost any trial. So if you take that as a balanced measure, I would suggest that a married man talking to a another woman about anal sex and discussing he and his wife's sex life is a greater crime than his wife looking at his phone. And in mitigation she had every good reason to suspect his potential infidelity, which could significantly affect her and her child's futures and wellbeing. I have no doubt that her "crime" would be dismissed on all counts.

Original poster
Queens26 · 28/04/2026 17:01

Thanks all I can’t multi quote so to answer a few points:

They don’t work in the same department, they just sit close to each other so met and became friendly that way. I also believe their jobs are equal seniority.

The first exchange I saw which made me look again, was her referencing a sex act (facesitting) and then saying joking in capitals to which H replied with laughing and sweating emoji’s and didn’t shut down.

It’s the sharing of intimate details which is most hurtful and it’s obvious he has discussed our wider relationship and issues with her.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthisoneyep · 28/04/2026 17:01

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

The unwritten rules of life are - don’t check your partners phone BUT if you do and you find something incriminating then you’re absolved of the snooping. Fact.

Untailored · 28/04/2026 17:01

She is the one coming on pretty strong and he isn’t really responding, to be honest.

But he shouldn’t be talking about your sex life with a female colleague, it’s massively inappropriate.

Dappy777 · 28/04/2026 17:02

Tbh, I’d wonder if there have been other women before this. Has he visited escorts, that sort of thing. I’m very sorry OP. You should maybe consider an STD check as well.

If it’s any consolation, most men have their brains in their trousers. When it comes to sex, I trust very, very few men.

Thehogsinabog · 28/04/2026 17:02

Hmmmm...he's definitely crossed a line discussing your sex life. It's bad enough he's done that but worse as its a woman (because sometimes men discuss this qith their mates, not that its right and my dh doesn't as far as I know)and even worse than that what's she's offering however doesn't look like he's going to take her up in it. I would take it as an opportunity to discuss your sex life with him. I'm prepared to get slated on here for saying that. She sounds like an opportunist.

Hatty65 · 28/04/2026 17:03

That would be the end for me. I couldn't tolerate what feels like a massively disrespectful betrayal. Instead of trying to improve your sex life he has whinged about it (and you) to another woman for grubby little kicks. And laughed when she has sneered at you for being tame.

watchingthishtread · 28/04/2026 17:04

No. There's no coming back.

DugnuttEyeBoogies · 28/04/2026 17:04

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

ODFOD Hmm there’s always one …

Nothankyov · 28/04/2026 17:05

I’m sorry OP. For me this is and emotional affair. I wouldn’t dream talking/complaining about my sex life with anyone other than my partner. It’s a violation of your privacy and I would find it something difficult to overcome. A simple I’m sorry I feel terrible wouldn’t quite do it.

dlcy · 28/04/2026 17:06

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

oh don’t be ridiculous

Notonthestairs · 28/04/2026 17:06

Agree she’s making it fairly clear she’d be available - but he’s not closing the conversation down or changing the subject. They’ve clearly discussed his sexual relationship with the Op and he’s complained.

Maybe he’s just titillated but that would be enough to make me reconsider our relationship.

Blogswife · 28/04/2026 17:07

That’s really gross & disrespectful . Terrible of DH to talk about you like that to a colleague even though she was doing all of the running .

Megifer · 28/04/2026 17:08

Yes op, you need to discuss your sex life with him and ask why he needs to confide in a colleague that hes bored shagging his wife in the missionary position and how you dont like anal 🙄

appleberryhandcream · 28/04/2026 17:09

Megifer · 28/04/2026 16:57

He didnt reply asking her exactly wtf she thought she was doing talking to him in that way either though, did he?

Show quote history

No. It’s not good. And I would be wanting a serious conversation with him and assurances it would never happen again.

But I don’t think I could end a marriage over it.

As I said, it would depend on the other messages.

ginasevern · 28/04/2026 17:10

@Miranda65 "You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh."

What if she suspected he was involved in drug dealing, terrorism or other criminal activity. Would she still be at fault? I don't think the Police would agree with you.

Gwenna · 28/04/2026 17:10

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 16:43

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

It sounds like she was leading it and he was more detached and polite with the nervous “haha”s. She seems predatory. Is she in a position of power?

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/04/2026 17:11

Yuck. No way would I be coming back from that. I guess it depends on what you are willing to put up with op.

Beachwalker66 · 28/04/2026 17:13

I couldn’t come back from that. So sorry.

dudsville · 28/04/2026 17:15

That text exchange never should have happened, but after her first message, he should have closed it down with" I'm sorry, I have made a mistake and led you on, this stops here" followed with talking with you about what he did...or something to that effect, certainly not "I'm all ears".

As for looking, of course that's not great, but when you find cause to and then evidence, it's justified in my opinion.

RoseField1 · 28/04/2026 17:15

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

If you check your partner's phone because you suspect they are cheating and find evidence that they are cheating then you were in the right and all talk of breaching trust is moot

buymeflowers · 28/04/2026 17:15

I’m sorry that’s absolutely vile, completely and utterly cringey and there’s no coming back from that.

I’ve got secondhand embarrassment on his behalf, how pathetic

CatA27 · 28/04/2026 17:15

Id say its not cheating but it is flirting. It reads like she is very much leading the conversation and trying to get him interested. I can see how him talking about your sex life with a colleague hurts but I dont think he has fully overstepped the line and you could very much come back from this if you want to. He has made a big mistake and if he realises that then this could absolutely help towards working on your relationship and maybe making it better. His 'complaints' are only the same as many people would have who are in a long term relationship,nothing out of the ordinary, its super easy to get stuck in a rut and it needs both parties to make the effort. Your sex life getting boring is usually both parties fault, not just one. If he is truly sorry and you are willing to keep going with the relationship then he has to work really hard at regaining your trust, he may have to move jobs and will have to understand that for the foreseeable you will be feeling very insecure and he needs to do everything he can to earn back your trust. Good luck whatever you decide.