To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

[PurpleJune]

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

I would rather that my child was provided with 2 bags of stuff rather than rely on a m*n to remember these things Which they don't!!!!!I would take no chances, and knowing me I should provide extra things , more over and above what wad needed, wet wipes, packed Lunch , bottles of drink.....

You can say the word man without redaction, @Voneska.

I can fully understand your frustrations but honestly if it were me then I would still provide the bag to make sure my child had everything they needed. Yes he is DC’s father and he should have everything and know what is needed, but honestly it’s not worth the potential hassle and your DC’s needs are the most important thing here.

Personally, I feel that if your child is at the age they are still in nappies; a bag is always needed.

It sounds like they dont live with the other parent, from what you've said.

The only way you can ensure your child has all they need is to pack in yourself. That's what is more important right now.

I do, however see the other side. The other way around this is to write a list, or even provide a bag that Dad only has to top up.

So - a spare bag; nappies, wipes, cream, bibs, socks, shoes, clothes, hat. Games/ entertainment. Provide everything - but you'd need to know they replenish it with new nappies etc and bigger sizes and seasonal clothing when required

Which one you choose to do is up to you, only you know what will work but I think I'd be leaning towards setting the barr first, if you wanted him to carry on bringing the bag.

Could you suggest he restocks the bag after usage? Maybe a message to say hey I have put 4 nappies,one change of outfit and some.snacks in could you make sure and restock what you use as money is tight or somethint to that extent?

My ex is like this. He complained that I didn't pack a toothbrush when dc was staying at his. Madness. But I still pack everything just because I know how stubborn he is and his teeth just won't get brushed. If you think he will buy the right things and look after your child then go for it, but if not I would just carry on as you are.

@PurpleJune I hear what you say and agree that the man is making life very difficult for you.

Now, with regards to the bag - which was the point of your original post - for what it's worth, I think that you should continue sending supplies with your children for 2 reasons. Firstly, you want to ensure that the children have everything they need. Secondly and far more importantly, you say he's going for 50/50. I get the impression that you don't want that, so it would be in your interests to show that he is so inept as a parent that he can't manage to put a bag of essentials together every time he takes the children out.

Yes, I agree that he should be able to do better, but do you see that it's not in your interests to make him do better? Let him continue in his ineptitude while you watch him struggle to keep it together. You and your children all win that way.

The only reason I disagree with you is bec your DC comes first keep providing the essentials that are needed i would rather know my DC has everything they need

Personally i’d keep providing it so I can be sure my child is covered. I’d rather know what products he is using, ensure its in their and he hasn’t forgotten sun cream / hat etc. Yes he should provide it himself, but for 2 mins of my time, I wouldn’t go to battle over this.

Think I would just carry on as you are doing for the time being. There will be other changes to consider as your child gets older.

My daughter stopped providing everything for two reasons.

1. Hes was only paying her £6 a week maintenance.

2 He kept losing everything He lost: 3 drinks cups, 2 suncream 2 cutlery sets Every bib every week. Wet wipes every week The rain cover to the pushchair 4 bottles.

So Iin the end no pushchair, no bag of stuff no pack lunch(yes he expected her to provide that as well)

He currently is in arrears of £500+ for maintenance and hasn't seen his son for over 8 weeks.

I did say 'somewhere that suits you' I didn't suggest your home. I just don't see why you should make it easy for him by meeting him at the station, but if you're happy with that...

I hope you can get everything sorted out re the house soon.

& I hope he gets the amount if contact with the children that you are happy with.

xx

I would provide the bag so I knew my kids were ok, I would try and think that I was doing it for them rather than him.

The fact you are having to do it will hopefully strengthen your case about his ineptitude.

Men like him love weaponising the court system. I sincerely hope carcass cut back his contact, it is a lot for you to have to accommodate him every week. The good thing is men like this often lose interest in the kids once the court battle is done and he can’t abuse you that way any longer, hopefully he will and will be out of your lives x

I'd be sending him a message when his next visit is due saying you
will not be sending a bag anymore & this is what's needed for the kids while they're with him & list what you usually pack. If he doesn't bring it with him then he'll have to buy it when he has the kids. If he asks why you're not supplying anything anymore just say you have too much going on & don't have time to think for him of what HIS kids need while they're out with him. He should be happy to provide what they need on his time.