To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

[PurpleJune]

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

Either keep providing the bag, or stop (but don't whinge when he when he doesn't do it exactly as you want). Decide what is more important to you and then just get on with it and save your energy for the more important battles you will face.

These victim blaming attitudes are really awful.

It’s well-known that 30% or more domestic abuse BEGINS when a woman gets pregnant, and some women get pregnant by rape, so it’s not a case of “choosing a better dad”.

It is ALWAYS the abusers fault. They can choose not to abuse, but victims never choose to be beaten/raped/financially abused. Seriously, you should have a look at your “she was asking for it” attitude and realise that it only benefits the perpetrators and woman haters.

I would continue providing the bag but frame it in my head as it being for your child, and not him. It is nappies, because your child needs them, their suncream and their clothes. In their bag (if they are walking, maybe put the stuff in a wee rucksack they can carry).

Obviously, he should be providing equally, and you shouldn't have to provide a bag of items that he knows his child will need and use them during the visit. His continued control of you may get worse if you try to create boundaries and (bare minimum) parenting expectations.

He sounds like a nightmare. I hope you get a fair deal out of the divorce and he somehow becomes a better parent than he currently is.

I’m not doubting that he’s controlling or that there was domestic abuse.

Not sending a bag isn’t the answer though. It’s seems petty as it’s stuff you’ll already have.

As you say he’s a capable parent, if there’s no abuse to the children, he probably will get overnights building up to 50/50. That’s when you need to stop sending a bag.

🤗

im sorry you're going through all of this, it's exhausting.

Personally I'd just top up the nappy bag, as I would for myself & hand it over with the baby as I would to a grandparent.

then I'd ask in court HTAF a man who can't even organise to have things a baby needs for a few hours coukd even think if 50/50. Him wanting 50/50 is about money (not having to give you any) ! Control over you. Use this & anything side you can to prove that.

why are you meeting him at the station? Meet him somewhere that suits you & he has to make some actual effort to get to.

I would say
‘hi for the last few visits I’ve provided all the consumables for kids. It’s actually your responsibility during your time, so from May I’ll be expecting you to bring what they need with you (water, nappy changing kit, snacks, change of clothes etc). Please let me know if you have any issues providing what they need in their time with you by (date) otherwise I will assume this is fine.

(maybe run the above through chat gpt and make it friendlier and BIFF format)

if he does admit to having issues providing what they need or he is controlling that is good evidence for you in court if you’re making a case that he’s negligent or controlling!

i used to do the same with my ex, he threatened to take the cost of the items out of child maintenance until I sent him a link explaining he shouldn’t. Then later on when our son started doing overnights I asked him to provide his own coat as he kept not returning my sons and he basically threatened to not do th driving there and back (he moved far away btw) if I didn’t provide it so I decided to pick my battle and left it.

Frankly OP you have bigger fish to fry, and fixating on something like this, which doesn’t really impact you, is wasting your energy.

If he’s in the house, can you move back in until he’s bought you out or it’s sold?

I disagree that it’s petty.

When I did this for my ex things got lost as cost money to replace.
nappt bag would also come back messy in disarray.
I’d also have the unnessesary work of cleaning and sterilizing two bottles as soon as my baby was returned and just wanted to cuddle and play with me. I cleaned botttles all day long for a year why can’t he sort out two bottles a week?

Personally I would rather provide them than have to spell it out to him, that would irritate me more.

Also things like nappies they grow out of so he might end up with a supply that’s too small. I’d just stick a few in her bag and if he acts like a baby sitter, treat him like one.

Give him notice and if you will be doing says hats say that too. You are NOT wrong.

1 she obviously didn’t know he was abusive they all pretend to be the nicest man ever for years before the mask slips this comment is so victim blaming, lucky you you’ve never experienced this . 2. How is she starting a petty argument? Any decent parent when asked would say ‘of course that makes perfect sense I’ll bring a bag with me!’ If HE refuses then it is HIM starting the Petty argument and exerting control and power over her. By asking him op you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to prove his competence. He’d be silly not to grab the chance, but I think conflict might be too irresistible for an abuser like him!

I’d carry on providing the bag. It’s hardly any bother for you really and it’s easier overall. I think it’s petty not to

This isn’t where I’d draw the battle line, fight over the house or whatever but be consistent for your child and leave them out of it. These possessions are for your child, not him. You know he’s useless, but your kid doesn’t need to deal with that.

I have a non-mol against him and he doesn't know where we live, hence the neutral venue. We won't go into how my poor mum has done handovers for the best part of a year because he absolutely insists on seeing his children (fine) but expects us to accommodate his non-mol

I find it very hard to believe after living with someone 5/10 years that they suddenly have a complete personality transplant overnight. Everyone apparently has the perfect relationship then all of a sudden their ex is an abusive narcissist.

See my other message - I have a non-mol, it's unsafe for me to be in the house with him and he knows it, which is why he's staying put.

What has maintenance got to do with his ability to do basic parenting?

I'm going to give you the benefit of a doubt, because you don't know me or this man. But suffice to say, no it didn't happen overnight - it was like that for many years. But if you knew the first thing about DA, it's like you've been brainwashed and you can't see the forest for the trees. Of course I can see plainly it was abuse now, with hindsight. It's very easy to judge when you haven't walked a day in someone's shoes

Do you also believe that Gisele Pelicot knew her husband was drugging and raping her? She was married to him for nearly 50 years.

The police have really let you down in not keeping you in the house and banning him from being a certain distance from it. Did you leave voluntarily?

I think you should use it until the court appearance. Surely it’s relevant to the 50:50 that he turns up empty handed and hasn’t offered or thought about doing it himself?

It’s not a battle I would pick if you are going through court. It’s one day and if he didn’t see the child you would use the stuff anyway

i would continue to provide so at least I knew the child had what is needed

Once court is sorted I might review

If you love your child you will carry on, it’s not your child’s problem you chose a partner that you are no longer with. Point scoring is harmful to your child.

Can you reframe it mentally as you providing stuff for your DC, rather than your ex? Probably you would give your mum a bag of bits if she was babysitting. If you give him a list he can still weaponise that if he's minded to. This is just further proof of how useless he is.

Maintenance is a legally mandated contribution to the costs of the other parent having more overnights.

If he has no overnights, the child maintenance service (and courts) assume all costs will be covered by her.

Yes it’d be better if he provides it all, but it’s really a small inconvenience to OP compared to everything else. She’d be better off listing it as a reason why he’s incompetent than making it something he will use against her.