To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

[PurpleJune]

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

I think YABU for practical reasons rather than because you think he should step up. Of course he should, he's useless. But practically changing to stop doing what you've always done could count against you in court. Also if he only has baby once a week expecting him to have clothes etc for them isn't really feasible- anything he buys will be outgrown after a couple of wears. Arguably his problem but I think it means a court would think it makes sense that you should pack the bag.

It's great though that you are challenging all of the status quo things because it means you are pulling yourself out of the brainwashing you experienced before. Well done. I strongly hope the court sees sense and doesn't give him 50/50, but were they to do so I would definitely stop packing the bag and expect him to have everything sorted himself.

As someone who has coparented with a wealthy abusive arsehole and spent 11 years in an out of family court, I strongly advise you to let go of any notion of fairness and just pack the bag. You are going to have to over-function to protect your child. It’s not going to be fair. Your child is obviously very young and you need to think carefully about your priorities as I wish to God I had. I remember having exactly this argument with my ex. Total waste of time and pointless, he just found something else worse to control me and they always can because they can hurt the child to get to you and they can do a lot of that before anyone will tell you it’s okay to cease contact. You are in this for the long haul, prioritise peace over fairness. I know it’s shit but if if you don’t your child is going to be raised in a warzone and from personal experience experience it has has left my Beautiful son and I deeply traumatised. Six months after court proceedings finally finished I was diagnosed with cancer which I have no doubt was brought on by the stress of what my ex and family Court did to us. This is a cautionary tale, but I hope you get where I’m coming from.

I really feel for you, OP, this must be a daily hell to live with. But remember that you are physically free of him if not mentally. And things like not providing basics for his children during HIS contact time won't help his claims for 50/50.

He is a twat
Id keep providing just to show his level of incomptence and basic inability to think to provide for his kids

Choose your battles and this isn't one of them.
he may choose to deduct the cost of that days nappies / sun cream and sun hat from your maintenance.

Just pretend to yourself that your children are going out for the day with an auntie or cousin, you would pack a bag on these occasions wouldn't you as you wouldn't hope/expect an aunty to be buying nappies etc. for a day out.

I appreciate everyone's messages, and after reading different views I'll hold my hands up and say that yes, I agree that it's best to pick my battles at this point.

I think we're all in agreement that he should provide these things in principle, but it's much stronger for me to go in front of a judge and say "this man has had to have everything provided for him just to meet his basic parental obligations".

I will absolutely provide these things for my children, and I would never withdraw these things to "point-score" at the expense of the children. My point is that he is capable of providing these things but chooses not to, so I will continue providing them so his laziness and ineptitude will be plain for all to see.

And I'm going to leave it there, because frankly some of the views I'm reading have affected me and I don't think there's anything to be gained by continuing to justify my decisions.

this absolutely. You aren't benefitting your useless ex, you are protecting your child

If the kids need it for the day you pack it. One of you has to be the responsible parent.

I’m sorry you went through that and hope you are well now.

OP should take heed of your message in particular.

Take the attitude that this is what you are doing for your child, not ex and it may be a less bitter pill to swallow. At least you know they have the stuff you want them to have.
As they get older they won't need as much stuff but will probably choose to take things such as a favourite sunhat or toy.
At least you are getting the bag back atm. Plenty of threads on here about clothes not being returned when parents move to eow or 50/50.
Good luck with court.

I don't know why people keep ignoring that OP has repeatedly said if she tells ex to buy his own things, he will buy them and he will use them,

But people really are determined to see women as the default parents who need to facilitate men to give basic care to their own kids.

Mind boggling.

If you're still reading OP, I think you're probably making the best decision. While I understand your point, it actually sounds to me like the bag becoming an issue might be another mechanism for XP to control you. He could 'forget' it, make you worry. If he sees it bothers you, it's ammunition.

You would be applying suncream and giving the children hats if they went out of the house whatever the circumstances, so it's basically about a nappy bag? It's not fair, of course it isn't, but to me it sounds like the potential for him to use this as a tool of control is greater than the level of control currently involved in you packing it.

Who has decided he can only see the children once a week for a few hours?

I would continue providing what your child needs. Not for the benefit of your ex but for the benefit of your child.

After 9 years, I still send my children to their dad’s with everything they need for the weekend. They don’t have so much as a pair of socks at their dad’s house. DP goes spare about it but I’ve stopped caring. As long as the kids are happy and comfortable, I’ll continue to make sure they’re catered for. It’s to make their lives easier, not his. They’ll never have to question my efforts.

Sounds like the court may be involved?

They don't change overnight. The behaviours are generally there from the start, but put across in a caring way. Then step by step it gets worse and worse, but the person being abused doesn't see it. Sometimes family and friends do, but can't always fully express their concerns at risk of alienating and losing contact their loved one when they are clearly vulnerable. Eventually, hopefully (as seems to have happened in this case), their eyes are opened and they realise how they have been treated over many many years is so wrong and is abuse. There is no sudden appearance of an abusive narcissist, it is a more likely to be a sudden realisation that they have been living with one and being manipulated and abused over a long period of time.

You'll also find many people in the 'perfect' relationship are publicly masking what is actually happening, that is far from the outward perception. Examples include some of the people outwardly very gushy of a partner on social media.

Someone close to me is going through this now, I personally could see something wrong a number of years before they did, and they knew I didn't like their partner. I didn't appreciate quite how bad the situation was until they can realised what was happening, and now talk about what he was like behind closed doors.

Cafcass

Sending massive sympathy!

As someone years ahead of you on this journey you need to try to accept that court don't view things in terms of fairness, but also consider things like practicalities.

It is fair he provides these items. But it is more practical for you to do it while he is having such limited contact. It wouldn't make sense for him to have lots of clothes etc. Also court like to reduce unnecessary communication between parents when abuse is involved. If he provided a bag this would give him an excuse to contacted contact asking about clothes or nappy sizes, food preferences etc.

Look up the grey rock approach (or perhaps yellow rock since you are still in court proceedings). The less you communicate the better things will get over time. My ex still returns clothes three years too small and its just not worth saying anything. He does these things far far less often now he doesn't get the reaction he wants

The victim in this situation is the child

Glad it’s not just me who is amused by the encouragement of dead beat dadding. He pays a paltry amount of money and does no overnights so his ex needs to provide EVERYTHING?!
People’s expectation are embarrassingly and pathetically low

Just provide the bag its for your kid after all, just think of it that way. You wouldn't want to think your child doesn't have the things they need. Yes he should do it but pick your battles. I still provide bags of clothes for my kids when they stay over at their dads , they are 15 and 11!

I agree, you absolutely shouldn’t have to facilitate things that he needs to provide. He’s a grown man ffs!
Having said that, I’d play the better game and I’d use it against him in court. How can he go for 50/50 when he doesn’t even provide a bag with the basics that your child needs? It will make you look like the competent parent (which you obviously are).
Regarding the house and him refusing to sell, can the courts not make him? Apologies that I don’t know if this is possible.
He sounds like a prize prick and I’m sorry you’re saddled with him.

I would just continue to provide it, particularly as he arrives on the train. If he is irresponsible, you'll probably worry that your baby is still wearing the same nappy all day or something if you don't! Think of it this way, your baby won't be needing most of that stuff for that long (in the larger scheme of things) so it'll naturally phase out.

I agree with you.

He’s a father and needs to start acting like one. He will figure things out himself when he has to.